Yes, It Is...

Yes, it is complicated. I love her more than anything in the world, but mostly only when she's away from me. I miss her terribly and wish her to be with me all the time and when I meet her ... I get scared cause I don't want her to be so close... I hate myself for that.
GothGrrrl GothGrrrl
18-21, F
1 Response May 30, 2007

I understand you completely! In the past, I've gotten like that with my boyfriend. Actually, I still get like that from time to time. I've been in a ton of psychology classes (my favorite!) in college, so I know a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder. Also, I've done a ton of research on the disorder since I believed that I had it. I just found out that I have Bipolar II though, but both disorders have similar characteristics or symptoms. <br />
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I believe that you're avoiding abandonment, which is typical with BPD. This fear of abandonment arises from the difficulty you have of feeling emotionally connected to your girlfriend when she is PHYSICALLY ABSENT. I might be completely wrong, but I think you can't recall your girlfriend's love for you when she's not around. Plus, alternating between wanting to be close to your girlfriend and then distancing yourself from her is a symptom of BPD in itself. <br />
Also, I think your girlfriend somewhat completes your sense of self or makes you feel less empty. When you push her away, I think you're just scared of your girlfriend getting too close because you feel vulnerable. You put a wall up, which is a common defense mechanism used when one feels threatened. You're just protecting yourself. I'm not sure if my assumptions are correct or not since I'm basing them off the feelings I've encountered myself. <br />
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I thought I had Boderline Personality Disorder because I was so sensitive to rejection. If my boyfriend was late picking me up, if he said he had to get off the phone even though we had been talking for over an hour, or if he unintenionally pulled his hand away while we were cuddling, I would view this as rejection. Then, I would end up accusing him of not caring for me as much as I cared for him. The song "Unsexy" by Alanis Morissette is the best to listen to when you're feeling this way! You should definitely look up the lyrics or hear the song! Also, my boyfriend would make me feel whole again. He would give my life meaning! Without him, I felt like I was worthless. It's weird! I use to push him away too. I thought the only reason he came over or called me was because I asked him and he was only appeasing me. When he would show up or call, I would be angry with him! Then, I would accuse him of only doing these things to shut me up or stop me from constantly nagging him. I can keep on going with this stuff, but I'm going to stop now. <br />
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I just hope you don't blame or hate yourself too often. Being aware of your "inappropriate reactions or behaviors" is the first step in overcoming BPD. You can get better! I honestly think I'm a "recovered boderline." There is such a thing! It's in the movie "Girl, Interrupted" too! It's one of my favorite movies! Anyway, remember that you are the captain of your own ship! Best wishes!