We Will Never Be Together

I am truely in love with two men. One is my fiance, who ive been with 5 years. We met when i was young, at 18, and i love him very much. The other is a married man at my work. We met at work and he came to see me at a place in town he knew i also worked at. We had the funnest night of my life, and for the first time ever i was being flirted with but was in a position to turn it down. He continued to meet me at my second job, and we continued to have fun nights, until i caved and slept with him. Since then we have embarked on a one year affair, including nights in hotels, and sleeping together at work. In him, i feel i have met my match. We have so so much in common, and both say we truely feel we can be ourselves. However, whilst in an ideal world we would both be single, we both know we will never be together. That doesnt mean we dont want to, but we both know we cant. He continues to be in a loveless marriage with a wife he hides things from, not just affairs, but he likes to get drunk on occasion, but cannot tell her. I continue to be with a man i really love, but have little in common with. We adore each other and have similar ideals, but different interests and hobbies. With the married man, we have different ideals and beliefs, but similar hobbies and interest. For a long time i was torn, as to whether to lay an ultimatum and chase the man i loved. But i am at peace with the idea that whilst he is someone who has meant a huge amount to me, and cares about me as a friend too, but i can never be with. My fiance is a good man and the affair has only helped me appreciate his good points more. This is a secret i will carry with me forever but has helped me as a person, become stronger, to grow up, and to experience a whole kind of love so many will never know, to truely have mutual love and lust but to also know you will never be in a relationship, so it will never go sour. At the moment, for the second time, we have distanced ourselves from each other. But i can be sure we will reconverge again in the future, we share a connection that im not ready to lose. So so confusing, but to feel love so intensly has been an amazing feeling, and the fact that we remain friends means a lot.
Necer56 Necer56
2 Responses Sep 5, 2012

I am going through exactly the same thing just a bit different. I have been in a relationship with my soon to be husband for 8 years now, i love him and care about him a lot, he is a good man and has always been there for me. I have worked for my job for about 7 years now. about 3-4 years the company hired a new employee, a handsome man which funny to say i did not care for at all. we were co workers and all which i never paid much attention to, he was conservative, tough a bit of a jerk i must say. At times he would say certain things that would keep me thinking he felt something for me but i never paid attention and didn't care either after all i was happy with who i was with. all of a sudden it happened that we began to speak a bit more and he opened up more too. One day he got hurt at work and i felt so bad i was scared for him and immediately called the ambulance, in that moment is where i realized that i cared and that he wasn't such a jerk after all. After that he began to talk to me more and flirt a little more and also thanked me for being so caring the day he got hurt. He is married. we began to talk more, giggle more, spend time together talking about everything, he opened up to things i never imagined to hear from him, and so it happened one time that we were working together that i was about to leave and held my hand to lean over and try to kiss me, i didn't and i left immediately, he began to tell me how he felt about me and that he was unhappy in his marriage. i didn't believe anything i acted like i didn't care, inside i felt it but lied to myself. and then it happened another day he leaned over and kissed me and i did not fight it and i felt butterflies all over after i left he stood there waiting for me to come back and sent me messages saying he has always felt this way about me but never thought i would even listen........... everything started mostly on his side...... he went crazy about me, cried to me months past he would plead to be with him and i was so undeniable of my feelings that i would push him away. i loved him but didn't want to say..... he almost got caught many times at home because he would do anything to call me, to text me, to beg him to leave my fiance for him, i tried to break it off so many times and he pleaded not to leave and i could never go after about 8 months of me denying him all of a sudden something changed...... he began to realize that i would never leave my fiance and began to distance himself saying he couldn't take the pain. he began to feel guilt.... everything that i felt when i would push him away he started to feel.... he insisted of being friends but then he would always try to leave me and come back saying he loved me too much but felt guilty and like he was doing wrong. and something in me just let lose i didn't want to loose him and i went crazy, everything i didn't feel before i felt it as soon as he started to see clarity that we can't be together, he has a daughter and doesn't want to loose her. he says he feels guilty but doesn't love his wife, he loves me but can't leave because of his daughter. i cried and i held on to him i felt like if the tables turned but even like that he still couldn't let me go even if at times he went cold due to the guilt. now i feel like we are forced to let me go... my job transferred me to another place and with his wife suspecting things as soon as he gets off work he has to go home and it will be harder to see each other. he promised to do everything possible to see me anyways but we both know thats nearly impossible. it feels like we are really letting go now i haven't left yet but i will pretty soon, we keep expressing our feelings to each other but he seems more ready due to his guilt and i don't, I'm agonizing like i never have before, i still love him and he says he loves me enough to let me know because he knows he can't loose his daughter if he gets caught. he told me that if he was free he would be with me and that he still loves me and always will, but now I'm not ready to let go. i will be leaving to work at the other place in about 3 weeks, I'm scared and I'm broken and i can see it in his eyes that he is too. i know i have to do the right thing, i know we can't be together but its so hard to accept, it will be hard for us.

I understand how you feel. I'm going through the same thing but with my boyfriend of 4 years and a married man that was my professor. We just didn't have the chance to have so much time together. Time and time again we tried to separate, but we couldn't. Now we are trying in earnest again for the third time, he couldn't take the guilt anymore 2 days after sleeping with me, and I'm so close to breaking. I understand the feeling of longing for something with all your heart... but knowing it will never be. Don't let anyone tell you that just because he is married he is just having an affair for the sex, if you feel its love, then it is. In my case, we have resigned to a silly belief, that we must have known each other in our past lives but this time its not meant to be. Perhaps we can try again next time.

Stay strong through everything, I know how tough it feels now, like you are missing something that is essential to you, but with time, it may not go away but it will dull, even if just the tiniest bit.