My Affair Is Out


I know this is going to be really long, I apologize but I have to get this out.

I met my husband when I was 19. I had just separated from my childhood sweetheart, the father of my oldest son, about three months prior. He was a "bad boy". Well known for being someone you didn't mess with. He was also known for being kind of a dog. We got serious really fast. He was living with a friend and I was struggling financially so he moved in with me only a week later.(supposedly it was just an arrangement, not a commitment).
I was a fool. He was always late getting home from work, staying out till all hours drinking with his friends and I sat at home and waited for him. Things were good when we were together. He had 3 daughters from his first marriage and I had my son and we did things with the kids or just together. He made me feel so good. He told me I was special, I was different, that I was the first woman that made him want to be faithful. I believed it.
Two years later, we had a son together. I put on an excessive amount of weight but he still told me every day how beautiful I was. When he was home and not either working or out drinking, he slept off his hangovers. He left me stranded. We lived 2.5 miles from the nearest town and I had to walk into town with a four year old and a newborn when I needed milk. But I loved him, and when he gave me his time, it was fantastic. We did have good times. They are just harder to remember now.
We had ups and downs. In 2000 we started going to church. We had a great church with amazing people. We were baptized together. We had our second child by then and for the next few years things were fantastic. We quit drinking and going to bars. Money was always tight but we made it. Then he got hurt at work and eventually lost his job because he was no longer able to do the work. He took a low paying security job and sank into depression. He went to work, came home, and then turned to the computer. It started with fantasy football, then fantasy basketball, and kept going from there. Eventually he got into an online game ("O-game")and it totally dictated his life. He lived at the computer. He adjusted his sleeping schedules around his game, I took his meals to the computer for him. He would never leave the house except to work. I had to beg for his time. We still had sex, but he would roll off of me and go right back to the computer.

I tried over and over again to tell him that I was unhappy. I begged him to give up the game. I begged him to spend time with me and the kids. He just thought I should be happy that he was home and not out drinking any more.

Then about two years ago I met another man at work. He was smart, funny, and most importantly, he wanted to spend time with me. I needed that so much -to feel wanted!!! I started talking to "Mike" on the phone, we had a few dates but Mike was a gentleman and we were never sexually involved. When my husband found out, things blew up. He was suicidal. I was a wreck. I cut off ties with Mike, and 100% devoted myself to my marriage. It was horrible for a while, but when it settled down, we had a wonderful marriage. He still played O-game, maybe not to the same extent though. But I was bored, I wanted to start going out. We started drinking again, going to the bars. It stayed under control for a little while but eventually he stopped knowing when he had had enough and the drinking got to be a problem for him.

One night when we were out we ran into another couple. I had known her since I was a toddler but didn't know him that well. One night we went out and had quite a bit to drink. We went to a ***** club and she and I put on a show of our own for the men. (She is bi and I guess you would say I was bi-curious) We ended up going back to their place and her and I were together while they watched.

The four of us were inseparable. She was my best friend, he was my husband's best friend, out children got along great. The problems with my husband's drinking got worse, and then he started gambling. They had marital problems as well. They were one of the most volatile couples I had ever met.

I started talking to "William". We talked on the phone and texted on a regular basis. I was trying to help him save his marriage, trying to explain to him her side of arguments, her feelings, etc.His wife was bi-polar, and my husband had been diagnosed with the same. It felt so good to have someone that understood first hand what I was going through. But our talks eventually turned personal and we started having sex. I know it was wrong but I enjoyed every minute I had with him. We continued spending time together, all four of us. Not a day went by that we didn't all get together do do something and William and I waited for that split second that we could slip in a look, a touch, without them seeing. We met every day for lunch. Most days we had sex, but sometimes we just talked. Eventually he told me he was falling in love with me. I admitted the same a few days later.

In July, things with my husband escalated. His gambling had left us penniless. He blew his paycheck within hours of picking it up. He even took mine and signed it, it was gone before I got home from work. I asked him to leave that night. I told him to "fix himself", and then maybe we could be together again.

It got bad. He stalked me, called hundreds of times a day. Drove past my house all night long. Called me at work to the point that I was disciplined. He blew his checks and got himself in trouble with payday loans.

In September William asked his wife to leave. We continued our affair secretly. I didn't know he was still seeing his wife behind my back until a month or so later. Then when she met someone else it all came out.

We started seeing each other openly in October. I moved in to his house with my kids and we were pretty happy but I couldn't stay away from my husband.

In November I moved in with my husband. I only made it a few days before I started seeing William again.

Since then I have been back and forth, seeing both of them at the same time. Most of the time the other doesn't know, but there have been times that one knew I was seeing the other. I have to make a choice, I have to give up one or the other but I can't.

Two nights ago the three of us had it out. Everything came out in the open. 14 hours of them comparing notes, me confessing everything. When I left my house that day I told them both no contact for the next two days. That it was time for me to make up my mind and stop hurting them both and I can't think when I have them both there influencing me. When I'm with my husband he tells me how bad William is for me, for my kids. He tells me that he can be the man that I fell in love with so long ago if I would just give him the chance, that he knows what he lost and he will never do anything again to jeopardize that. Part of me believes it. When I am with William, I am happy. We laugh, we have fun. We have so many of the same interests and hobbies, we are on the fire department together, the search and rescue team together, we have been remodeling my house together and it has been great. We work really well together and he encourages me to be more than I have been.

I have two men that I love. When I am with one, I miss the other. But at the same time they can both make me realize that the other is no good for me. William reminds me of how miserable I was with my husband when we were together and points out all of the things that my husband has done to hurt me since I left him (made me lose my job, got my rank on the fire department taken from me, put us so far into debt that bankruptcy is my only option, he has not been there for our children since the separation, the list goes on). And then when I'm with my husband he does the same with William (how can I ever trust him when we started our relationship as an affair, he has a history of drug use -as does my husband- he wasn't good to his first wife, he used foul language when he talked to his teenage daughters)

When I think about my husband, I think about the future that I have spent the last 14 years planning with him. Our children, our grandchild and future grandchildren. I remember the way we were so happy for the year between my emotional affair with Mike and the time that we started the bar scene again. I also remember the hurt. Finding out after 10 years of marriage that up until we were baptized he was still sleeping around, him threatening me with pictures of me and another woman being made public thus getting me disciplined on the fire department for behavior unbecoming of an officer.

When I think of William, I think of the fun we have had training on the fire department, training for search and rescue (we took our certification class together) Trusting him completely that he will never leave me behind in a fire if things go bad. Laughing at our mistakes as we re-wired and re-plumbed my house. The way he opens doors for me, makes me home made popcorn and fixed my coffee every morning. Then there's the fact that every time we have had a fight, he sets up a date with another woman. The fact that he can be so vengeful when he is mad, letting my dogs loose to try to make me come home because he knew I was with my husband. He does have a conviction for drugs from 10 years ago, that bothers me too but he swears that he is clean now and I don't really have any reason to think otherwise.

So here I sit, unable to talk to really anyone about it all because I don't want anyone to know what kind of person I have become. I told William that I can't be with him any more and right now he is having a cook out at his house, being set up with his friend's sister. My husband is at work. He will be calling me tonight and he will want to meet. He knows I told William it's over and he thinks that we are going to be together. He says that this is the last time. That if I see William or have any contact with him that he is gone forever. I don't know that I am ready for that, but I also don't think I can ever really be done with William.

If I tell my husband that I don't know that I am really ready to be with him, that I need time, he will never speak to me again. He will think that I am with William again, even if I am not. But if I try to spend time with my husband, give him the opportunity to show me that things will be different, then I lose William forever


crazyagain09 crazyagain09
3 Responses Mar 23, 2009

Think about the kids..... it sounds like neither of them would be good for your children.<br />
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It looks like you could support yourself with your job and child support so I would cut both ties, it will not be easy but you deserve better as do the children.<br />
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There is that perfect man out there but you will never find him if you are with these two.<br />
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Good luck

Dear Crazy Again,<br />
<br />
I know how you're feeling. I am in a very similar situation. I have chosen the "other" for now, but don't know if I can live without my husband forever. <br />
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Right now I am beginning talking to my husband about making things right. I am realizing that my will to be strong and avoid the "other" is within me because I know that I was the most happy with my spouse for the longest time. <br />
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I made a list of the pros and cons. (Really writing each down for the "other" and my husband. It took me two days, but when finished I realized that my husband really always looks out for me 24/7. Treats me like a queen. (He makes my breakfast every morning. Stays up late to help me with my presentations and doesn't berate me for having so much to do. Also, little things like calling me just to say he's worried whether I'm tired, or how did my project turn out. He washes and vacuums my car, fills the tank each week. Wants me to be healthy and cooks meals that fit into my diet so I don't worry. He is a good provider. (The "other" is probably a little better well off, but not as considerate.) <br />
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Also, when it all boils down. Our family has been our greatest joy and accomplishment. No one will ever share the special times and memories like my husband and I. I don't want my grandkids coming in and asking where Grandpa and Grandma are. We should be together. <br />
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I have learned alot over the last few months to come to my decision. It's not easy, but I am committed. <br />
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That said . . . Crazy Again, you do not need to accept any abuse or unhappiness from whomever you choose. You deserve an honest and loving relationship. But you have to do your job to be your best person. Be ready mentally to stand your ground. It's hard to choose a road, but once you have looked at the pro's and con's and what's important to your future you'll be able to move forward and feel good about your choise. <br />
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Good luck and best wishes.

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