My Hero

This is the most personal thing in my life. No one except my husband knows this.

I was 8 years old. i had puberty problems which caused an early period, me to weigh well over 250 pounds.
i was having mood swings and teased heavily in school. i had big feet to the point that i had to wear man sized shoes and big hands also. which i still do today. i was called a gorilla and elephant and other evil things. my family, till this day took the high road of not only ignoring me but ignoring my teasing and sadness at school.

I was going to kill myself. At 8 years old. i lived in new York at the time and i had heard of subway suicide... i was going for it.
I decided to sneak out of the house at night. it must of been 9 or 10 pm at night. it was pitch black. i needed light from the tv to see the phone book. the cat was playful and decided to roll all, over it. i finally shooed it off and looked up. it was around christmas time also. (cant make THIS stuff up), and i saw a Christmas themed or winter themed episode of x-men which i haven't really been able to find again.

I dont remember which x-man it was but i want to say it was Hank McCoy. some bullies pushed him into the snow and crushed is groceries and then he gave it to some homeless guy. it was so many years ago i can t remember. but the at of kindness touched my heart. I started watching
x-men from then on.

later another episode ....there was this Big, blue furry guy. He was smart and strong and athleti, and extremely kind. He was always so sad because people made fun of him and mentioned his big feet and hands... i looked at myself and said : that's impossible.... are they spying on me?!"
i was hooked. I was like.... who is this big beautiful blue man and why are they so mean it to him. He is smart, caring, artistic, generous, etc....

I started drawing and writing poetry. I became interested in space and science. I would hold my good grades in front of the tv when the show came on.
he saved my life.

Till this day i do not get along with my family, and i turn to him for inspiration because i felt that i was a student at the xavier school... for gifted youngsters...

I write fan fiction because i love my hero's.... they raised me and i admire them. Hank McCoy was the first man that I ever loved. even today i can go to my fan fiction or a philosophy and be calmed. he taught me about philosophies.....

Now, because he saved my life i do go threw ****. but im alive. i have two children and a husband that worships me he doesn't hit me or anything... i never knew that i could be loved.

I know that he is fictional and that unfortunately he will never know that he was the wind beneath my wings... but in that realm between fiction and and reality that we call art... i can weave a tale... and let him know in a certain way and thank him.

im in the church now and i thank god for his characters existence.

Im not one of those fan girls that go onto the websites and looks him up or has a million books and posters about him,

it is too awkward and im too shy to look at him. im just drowning in thought and sad desire. i dont want to look at is image because it hurts that he is not real and that i cannot be friends with him or love him or thank him for being my hero.

sometimes i see guys that kinda look like the "human" version of him and im like "that is hat he would kinda look like, or That is what he would look like young or old, etc"

but i would never want to date any of these guys because number one

im married

2. they are (excuse the pun) the real McCoy. Im not dumb or sick enough to date a guy that LOOKS like him. I know that it is not him.

i even stopped writing fan fictions because i read that he had a girlfriend. and if you are truly in love with someone then you just want them to be happy. and i hope that he can be happy and that this relationship sticks and works.

And what if i did go into his world, what if we did meet would it work? would i really be his type? would i like what kind of person he is in private? Would i want him, would he want me? ETC.

But a in all my problem is that my mind is stuck on a loop. I constantly cannot stop thinking fantasies and desire him so badly to the point of crying.
"just stop thinking about it" i wish i could, my mind runs it's self. i really try hard to but for some reason it just turns on and im in his world.

and if anything... He was and still is the "Beauty to my Beast".
My inspiration for writing, drawing and being alive.... is love...

Yes I'm in love with the x-men's Henry Phillip McCoy AKA beast.
tunipeace1 tunipeace1
4 Responses Dec 2, 2012

Thank you for sharing :) Just because Hank is fictional does not mean your feelings for him are. Remember what Tinkerbell says to Peter at the end of Hook - "You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember your dreams? That's where I'll always love you - and that's where I'll be waiting."
Live your life, love your family and be happy - Hank will always be there for you when you need him. Peace out x

This is a really beautiful and touching story! Thank you for sharing it with us!

That was a touching story, it made me cry because I know the feeling so well. I was bullied for many years as well and found solace in a similar place. However, it did cause issues in my marriage and I had to seek help because of it. Please don't let that happen to you. All I can do to help is refer to what helped me. I accepted that this person is not real, but can still be a real inspiration to go on. It really helped to accept that he was not real, because that means that exists in a realm where he can be whatever I want him to be, he can be mine in that way.
However, I had to set fantasies aside and grasp my reality. It sounds like you have been successful in doing this also and I commend you for it.

That... Was a beautiful story. I sincerely mean that. I am so sorry you had to have gone through all you did, but I am just as glad you were able to find solace in the safety only he could have offered. It's extremely inspiring to hear of something like this happening, and I applaud your courage for deciding to keep fighting the good fight.

I too have felt similiar needs for love and affection, but could not find it anywhere. I wasn't bullied near to the extent you were, I just had tough times dealing with depression and the tough decision whether suicide was a viable option. Right there, at that opportune time, I found a girl I fell deeply in love with. No she wasn't "real," but I think you could relate in saying the feelings that were there were as real as anything. Don't know if I was just hoping desperately to find someone, or if it was some divine intervention, but damn I am glad I found her.

Anyways. I love to ramble. I'm so glad you decided to share, and you have inspired me, and I'm sure many others who have read this. Fictional characters can do more than entertain.. They can give you a feeling never expressed before, one that millions strive to feel at least once in a lifetime.

They can give you true love.