Sweet Agony

I have loved him...pretty much all my life. I was a child and he was a child...he always told me no when I would ask him to be my boyfriend but he sent mixed signals then. "Gus" actually just started hating me and because of it, I gave up on him and I thought the feelings for him went away. I got married at sixteen, and assuming I was safe, I friended him on a social network. I was surprised when he accepted but I didn't talk to him until two months later. He looks like Ving Rhames. I mean he's gorgeous. Then I realized that my feelings did not die at all and at the same time I realized he was gay. Then he told me he was.

He knows I am in love with him and it really bothered him at first. He always thought I was trying to look at him and stuff. My marriage ended, not because of him, but he was there to see it all go down and he was actually a little more than a bystander when it did end. He watched me endure tragedy. Then right before my husband ran away, I found out I was pregnant and he was the first one to know.

I have tried to get a hold of myself but I can't shake him. I do NOT want him to be straight, bi, or gay+1, because if he were any other way, he would probably be different and hateful. Strange things happened and we actually have not hung out together at all in almost a year due to a transportation issue. He finally has a boyfriend now, and I am happy for him because he is happy. He clammed up after he got the boyfriend so I don't know anything now but he will not let me go. I have tried to tear away from him, I have moved states away from him, I have had a baby, and even though my baby gets my focus, Gus is still there. No matter what I do, something always brings me back to him. I wish I wasn't so stupid and my feelings for him make me hate myself because I can't appreciate the friendship like I would normally appreciate the friendships with my other gay friends...However he is not the normal gay guy. If you remember me mentioning, he looks like Ving Rhames. He doesn't tell me I'm pretty or wear makeup or even look fem at all. He doesn't even speak with a lisp...he can fake a lisp, but if you didn't know him, you would have no idea.

I have tried everything in the world, including supernatural assistance to make my feelings stop. I have tried dating guys who are nothing like him, and on accidental occasions, I have dated guys very similar to him but they were awful. Nothing works. I have zen, as far as being alone but really, I'm still in so much pain. He's not even a part of my child's life. My baby is almost seven months old and has never met him.

I just wish we could go back to when we were kids when it didn't matter.
raymievirgil raymievirgil
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 19, 2013

It's okay. I have similar experiences, and I pray that he will find his straightness. Good luck!