5 Years Ago , Like Today

I was on MySpace  looking for my old friends using their emails in my contact list from my email account, i forgot to remove his email address from the account , so when i imported the email addresses and sent invites , i forgot that he was still in my list,.
the next day i got a message from someone called (.....) which was actually his middle name .
i still remember his words( okay you have found me , after all this time i don't know what we have to talk about , ......)
i don't remember the rest because those words echoed in my mind , i felt so small that he thought i was looking for him or stalking him, and he actually never wanted me to write to him or hear from me .

i ignored his message but hours later he said ( i wish you will talk to me ,)
i was still mad and angry because of what his ex did to me . stalking me in chat rooms using different ID and tell me sick things , until now, remembering what she said turns my stomach and makes me sick even though she is dead now.
he kept writing to me and said he wanted to be friends again, i was and will always be paranoid , what if this all was a set up .
i wrote to him and said that i sent this invite by mistake and i didn't mean to invite you to MySpace .
messages went on and reached 30 messages during that day wanting me to talk to him , i told him if i wont end up talking to her and i referred to her as his new wife and faience like she did when she stalked me .
he said he left her for months and she was in jail and he he didn't tell me what for.
i knew it was him because i still remember his typos when he writes to em . all these years and i still remember his spelling mistakes. i was really so mean to him yet he insisted on adding me to his messenger . he told me the bad things that happen , and how crazy she was , the car wreck he caused while driving drunk
i remember when he added me , i went to pray the dawn prayer and i thank god that he was back to me, it had been 4 years since we were friends and despite the ugly things that happened during these years . yes i was so mad at him and i told him that i would wake up every morning calling him names .
even though i was so mean to him . he was so calm and take my rudeness like i am joking . he said the reason why i was mad and mean was because secretly i am in love with him and missed him so much and this was my way to express how glad i was to have him back.
i am not surprised , reading this got me misty eyes because he hit a cord like he always did and reached to my core . i still wonder how he did . yes i was so hurt over what happened , and i wanted to know what made him make such bad decisions .
it was like yesterday. i was thrilled that he was  back and also hurt and jealous, but i wanted his friendship more than anything.
we went back talking for hours like we used to, him talking about how much he was passionate about his job running a movie theater , i missed the chatter box i fell in love with 4 years ago, he showed me his pictures at work  wearing a suit , i always wondered how he looked in it . and now i saw it , and he looked so grown and handsome  and, even when his eyes looked pale and like he was broken inside, even his smile . i felt he was hiding such a tormenting pain behind that smile .
I wished then i can hold him and bury him in mt arms, holding him so tight and tell him how much i missed and what i went through when he was gone. that i am always and will always be there for him and love him everyday.
             Every time he says how i make him happy and smile .I wish i could see it for real smiling at me, he has such a big boyish smile .and god i wish so bad that i can see it for real
he has wronged me , said such hurtful things and made me cry, but  i will always be thankful for knowing him . i did hurt him too trying to get back at him, but i I always end up hurting myself .
perhaps he did so i leave him and free himself from the guilt . he always thought that he was not good enough to have me because he was not pure as i am , i swear i never thought he was impure , that wouldn't make him a bad person because he is the only one i see him as my equal .and I love the whole him, his faults and imperfections, his soul, heart and mind . his everything.
too bad such a wonderful friendship tossed out  like that like it was nothing.
in my heart , i know he is the one for me, when its clear that he is glad that he got rid of me and wished he never hears from me again it makes me wonder if that what i get because i love him so much ?  . but if he doesn't feel that way about me, then it means i am being deluded and insane all these years.which is why he ditched me .

lonesomedove80 lonesomedove80
31-35, F
Jan 12, 2012