10 Years Now , wishing You Never Had To Say That........

A whole decade . all my 20s were spent dreaming of being with you , picturing myself talking with you and telling you all the things i wished to tell you, all that were ruined when you said those ugly harsh racist words you said them to me .
when I found out last June that i was blocked , you told me that you girlfriend found out about me and reas our conversations and emails, which they had nothing that could harm your relationship with her since i am 10 thousands miles away from you, you explained that she felt jealous and asked you why you wouldn't talk to her as much as you talk to me , even though i am sure that you were the one who blocked me because you didn't have to argue with her and moreover you always talked to me through your cellphone so how possibly she would block me if you have your cellphone without checking i was blocked?
that opened an old wound when your dead ex girl friend who was abusive did the same , so i got agitated and furious and started taking all the pain and bitterness i had inside telling you what i felt back then and asked you why you had to live with such a crazy woman . you told me when you left her and lived at your father's house , she came over with a gun in her hand pointing to her head saying that if you didn't come back home she would kill herself .
come back home!! what a nice way to put it. 
So in order not to kill herself you had to go back and live with her. 
True i was harsh and sarcastic when i said that you were afraid of messing the door step of your father's house with her brain blown off everywhere . 
but your reply was the most hurtful , piercing full of hate and despise that got me down to my soul. 
( so i wouldn't have to worry when you come and blow off yourself , i only have to get another door)
I asked what was that supposed to mean and you referred that to the fact i am Muslim!!
 I tried the whole ten months since you told me that, to imagine what can be hurtful than what you already said, i couldn't find anything more .
it became clear to me , the reason why we are so far away, why we can't be together .as things happen for reasons , things also don't happen for reasons as well . 
but why i still miss you?  is it you i miss and crave ? is it the nice beautiful things you said i am , or were. or is it the good old days and nights that were spent talking endlessly , 
I do miss those days, but that statement of yours, killed the hope and the dream of meeting you.
I wish you didn't have to say that , I could have forgive you for everything you have done and said to me , but that one i can't forgive you for. even if i could , i can't forget it .
I realized you never loved me , it was just curiosity of what i am like in person , that made you say all those things . 
But I truly loved you. I still do , part of me crave you and wants you to be mine, but its all ruined now . 
you do have a large place in my heart, but I just wish you didnt have to say what you said . then i would write to you right now and tell you I want you back in my life and make my life a whole again.

lonesomedove80 lonesomedove80
31-35, F
2 Responses Jun 8, 2012

I agree, I think you should see a therapist. I'm also sorry for what you've gone through. Seeing a therapist will help you move on in life. Hope that was helpful

This is really sad. I'm sorry for your pain. I do really wish you'd see a therapist about it, it would help you so much. What do you have to lose? Isn't it worth a try to help you feel better? You've done enough for men, do this for YOU!