Everything Old Is New Again

This is a strange situation for me, and I haven't seen another like it in my research on this topic. Twenty years ago, he and I dated. We were together for three years and broke up under really painful circumstances for me. However, we kept in touch for about a year afterwards, then he left the state for his career. I moved on to other relationships, had a baby, and I'm now in a really good place in my life. I'm very happily single, feel better about myself than I ever have, and my son and I have a good life together. I don't want to date; I don't want more children; I don't want to get married. My life is fulfilled for the moment, and I have no desire to rock the boat.

However, in the back of my mind and heart was the fact that the one man I've ever really, truly loved got away from me. It's always been there, and I came to accept years ago that it was never going to just go away. But I can live with it.

A few months ago, after having not seen or spoken to him for 17 years. I found an e-mail address for him and contacted him. I knew he was married and a recent new father, and I wanted to let him know how I was doing and that I was happy for him and his personal and professional success. I still am. He wrote back and we've been corresponding since. He makes me laugh, and we have fun conversations. I have no desire to try and get him to leave his family, and I know he wouldn't do that anyway. The love is still there, but different now. We always had a connection, and that is still there also.

I had to decide. Can I live with loving him knowing that I'll never be able to have him? Yes, I can. There's nothing truly sexual going on, although that subject has been discussed. I also know that for me, actually having sex with him wouldn't work. Loving him means that I'm happy that he's happy, and I don't want to be the one to jeopardize that for him.

This is just my own personal experience. I'm certainly not judging anyone else's experience with their own married men. There have been a couple in my past, although not full-blown affairs. This is just the first time that I've had actual feelings for one.
mmartian mmartian
41-45, F
3 Responses Dec 18, 2007

im like you. I def am happy for people I love that I cant have. ur not alone.

you are a really strong person to be able tojust love him and be happy knowing he is happy. i want to be like that for my lover but i struggle with it on a regular basis

You are a smart woman, I hope one day I can mature to your level. Stay sweet!!!!!