Am I In Love Or Is It Just Infactuation??

Woke up today snuggling the married man I've been having an affair with. Why oh why do I always go back to him? I met this guy where I work in a bar, he is a regular customer.. About 10months of me working there he asks me do I have a boyfriend.. Me-no' Him-have you ever had one' ME-yes' did u love him.. Yes... Why didn't u stay together then.. Oh its awkward.. Long story.. He goes on&on.. Well where was he from... He was round the corner from my mums.. Well u must see him about... 'No I don't' why though has he moved house? 'No its a long story' he asks me do I miss him & I say yes & he says well wouldn't u get back in touch.. And I said no I can't.. Then he says 'is this a touchy subject & I say 'yes' an he says to me 'oh I've put my foot in this one!! Sorry!! Now your going to say he's dead or something!!' I burst out crying.. He is.. I run out the back he follows my huggin me so tight apologising.
He wasn't to know, I'm just a 21(then) year old girl who works in the bar & he was 42 just making conversation with a bit of banter. I didn't get angry at him as I knew him anyway & he was lovely.
So I'm in charge of the bar as the manager was away for 2weeks.. The guy I will call mr smith (not real name) came the bar most nights. On one occasion we sat & spilt our hearts out to one another, I was crying. Told him everything I'd had to deal with. I kind of wanted someone to know that I wasn't this young girl with no deeper meaning. I wanted to tell him how it was so we could talk about it, I kind of needed to release my tears & anger & upset & he was the man.
He told me things from his childhood, to friends, some really deep stuff, at one point he had tears. From there I felt I had a friend in him. I did not ever look at him in a sexual way. It just didn't enter my mind.
So, I go to London to see my best friend who has moved there to look after her nephew. I'm in the bath, she's sittin on toilet seat just talking. I started telling her about this man & what he did & that I was embarrassed I cried etc.. Then told her of our heart2hearts.. Just out of conversation she asks me 'do you fancy him' I look at her & say 'nooo!!'.... Then I paused.. 'Oh my word, I think I do!'
So from then on, that moment on, I couldn't get him out of my mind. I go back to work & he comes in. I'm going bright red when he's asking for his 'peroni, or white wine, or erm... He never can make his mind up!!' I find it hard to be myself when he is around me, taking extra notice of every move I make.. Don't drop anything!! Don't slip!!! Don't say that!! Etcetc!!
We got pretty close the following few months, when he pays his tab (bill) he slips me £100 here & there. Not in one way trying to buy me but I think it was more of a way of helping me as bar staff wages are not the best like!! Haha..
It was all so confusing for me.. I don't know how I can fancy a man double my age, has grey in his hair & is married.. This can't be possible. Plus, he won't like me! He is a proffessional man very educated, barrister at law & has a lot of things I don't think ill ever have. Plus he is married so I can't let him know because it will just be humiliating for me! (Maybe I was just insecure ;)
Songs reminded me of him, and the number one song was called Crazy For You by Madonna.. The line where it says 'your so close but still a world a way, what I'm dying to say is that I'm crazy for you' I'd play it driving my car everyday all the time, sing soo loud I'd forget where I was going!
So I'm at work, this must be 6months after or heart2hearts.. Mr Smith is in, the manager is in.. (The manager is a friend of my dads & also Mr Smiths friend. But my Dad & Mr Smith would say 'hello' but wouldn't know eachother) its a busy night & I'm sneaking a drink whilst I'm working because I was actually getting on my own nerves my my anxiety & just thinking of him 247!.. The manager gets a set of cards & he goes and sits on the big table with Mr Smith & 3 other customers. I have been told to lock the bar so I had to stay. So its just us 6 people in the bar, I'm waiting on & Mr Smith is buying two drinks instead of one which I was sipping. My manager says 'come & sit down with us have a drink it will be a long night.. Make sure you ring yor Dad & let him know it will be late' so the only chair available was next to Mr Smiths. I'm sat there with them.. 3am, 4am.. 5am.. I feel a hand on my lap, then my leg getting squeezed. Mr Smith is touching my leg under the table.. Then I put my leg on his, we are rubbing our legs against eachother. No one can see this as he is married, friends with manager, who is friends with my Dad!! Its too wrong from all angles.. Slowly the customers leave, then its just the manager waiting on his taxi. He says to Mr Smith.. Make sure you wait for her while she is locking up.. He agrees..
So its just us two, we get up, and I thought '**** this' I pushed him on the red couch, put crazy for you on and just danced infront of him, he danced also. It was emotional, so so close and really sexual, like in a way where he was really up against me, I could feel him there really hard, I push him back on the couch and sit ontop of him (on his knees facing towards him) I went in first, I kissed him, it was so amazing the kiss, it was really deep & emotional like I really felt something for him and I felt it back. He puts his hands up my white shirt and strokes my back, I can't help but take it off. He undo's my bra and he just stares at me, kissing my boobs stroking my hair, hugging me squeesing me.. We lay there till 9am, didn't realise the time.. He has to go, rings a taxi and leaves.. I left straight after him, I buffed the couch up, straightened the pillows & turned everything off..
That day, I slept, then went to sams (my friend, the one I went to visit in London) I had to tell her, I kind of felt bad what I did, kissing him & taking my top off really getting sexual with him.. She told me to just send him a messagetext to him telling him how I felt. So I did, I just said, about last night, I don't want you to think I am like that all the time. I'd had a drink & really wasn't thinking straight. I wait for the reply, Mr Smith: I really enjoyed myself last night & had wanted to kiss you in so long.
From then on that was it, anytime we got alone at the bar we talked, had drinks etcetc.. He always had to go home tho to his wife :( I'm not at all jelous of her though. I don't know how I'm not, because I would marry him right now in my pj's and live in a box I really like him that much!
We exchanged text messages, I wanted to have sex with him. But I didn't want to make the first move.. What could I do?
So its one of those nights, I'm working he isn't there, I try not to text him 1st as I don't want him thinking I'm that bothered about him. But I wanted sex with him! So instead of just asking him I have to say it in another way.. So here goes, Me:'what is your favourite colour' Mr Smith 'it depends what for'
Me 'just tell me what your favourite colour is'
Mr Smith 'hmm I like blue, black, but really depends what for'
Me 'you are annoying me now, just pick a colour'
Mr Smith 'wear anything you will look sexy in absolutely anything'
OMFG! #party!!! He actually said it!!!
Me ' when shall I wear it?'
Mr Smith 'friday after work, Malmaison hotel'
Me 'okay mr smith'

Friday,
I have my new Ann Summers black & grey silk underwear on, suspenders & stockings.. Then my uniform over it.. He comes in... My heart is beating, I need a drink, my nerves were gone. My phone was ringing, text messages.. Where are you, are you coming etc etc, I woke up with voicemails, texts from him, Mr Smith 'I've gone home, I waited for you, hope your okay & I understand if you changed your mind'
WHAT!! No way!! I went out with my friend got drunk, went home & to bed.. I really couldn't face it. Even tho I'd planned it, I wanted it bad, I just couldn't do this. I text him, said I hadn't changed my mind, I got scared etc..

We plan again, eventually we got together to a hotel, it was the best sex I've ever had or imagined, its happened a few times.. Is this an affair as I don't always see him? And like we are not an item in any way, its more of a casual thing, just happens sometimes when we've had a good night.. When we plan it something always comes up.. I really really miss him, last night was a random night, at work, he's in.. Wishing me happy new year.. There was something in the air.. I just KNOW sometimes when I'm gonna be sleeping over with him. And I love every minute of it. I am 23, still at the bar and still infactuated by this man, I would just Love to know how he feels exactly, I can't bring myself to ask him. X thank you for reading my article, X
rebeccaxxxxxx rebeccaxxxxxx
22-25, F
Jan 5, 2013