I Am In Love With a Muslim, But Will Not Become One


One year ago I met a man who I thought I would never get involved with, not because of his religion but because he’s my coworker :P. This past year has been full of happiness because of this “haram relationship”. Haram, for those who don’t know, basically means sinful, and it is sinful not only because it is out of wedlock, but also because I am not a Muslim. I was born into the Christian faith but now would call myself an agnostic who celebrates Christmas and Easter for traditional purposes only.

I accept him and his beliefs, and, so far, he accepts me too. The only thing that troubles me is his family and our future. His family has no idea about us because they are back in his country. He is fairly religious, with me being the only exception to his lifestyle.

I have heard the horror stories of non muslim women being in relationships with muslim men for it only to end up in a break up, divorce, or broken hearts. I do not want this to happen, but I do not want to lie about who I am and convert, I am not muslim and I will never be muslim. And I do understand the reality of being rejected by his family for being different, I don’t accept it, but I understand it.

We have promised each other that no matter what, we wont let religious differences break us apart, and that is a promise I intend to keep.

nina242 nina242
14 Responses Jul 12, 2009

Be careful, they are violent and he will bash you!

Hey! I'm so glad you posted this. It is encouraging to hear about other people dealing with similar situations.

For me, I'm in love with my guy friend (he's muslim), and he's in love with me (I'm Agnostic). We're just trying to keep it platonic, but I don't know if I can do this for much longer.

I don't subscribe to organized religion for personal reasons, and he is very involved in his community.
His family is everything to him, but they are SUPER religious.
My family is a huge part of my life, but they are anti-islam.

I'm just trying to be positive about the situation, but it gets really tough.

I just want to be his one and only.

I am a convert... I also thought i would never convert.... But i started to look into islam n i loved it!.... If you look into it youll see its not so different from christianity ... I too celebrated christmas easter etc but once you get used to it ... You wont miss it that much... I also married a muslim man when i converted same day.. N trust me ypu adjust to everything....not trying to convince you but islam is beautiful theres a sence,of direction ... In the beginning i missed my pork this n pork that but now theres turkey bacon turkeyy salami lol beef this n that same thing... I dont celebrate christmas BUT I go visit my family on that day...my husband is very understanding... If you need any help or advice ill be glad to help.... Plus maybe its your path to marry this man...:) or maybe god gave you this man to find islam ;)))

Precisely, VM. It's more important to know his own views about things than the views of the religion in general.

I have many friends who are into inter-religious marriages: Hindu-Muslim; Muslim-Christian, Chirstian-Hindu, you name it. I do not know which country you two belong to and how the legal provisions in regard to inter-religious marriages work there but in India and most Western countries there are provisions for non-religious marriages where the relegion, or lack of it, of either partner is irrlevant. While inter-religious marriages may face opposition from families and societies, in most cases it depends how you and your partner want to work it out. You can continue following your respective religions and keep your families at bay rather than letting them interfere in your married life and it all depends on you two.<br />
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Also, Muslims (or any other religious community) isn't one monolithic body where every single member who is seen as belonging to that community behaves in exactly the same way. Yes the traditional Muslim family is patriarchal (but than aren't all religions patriarchal to greater or lesser degree). A girl can have a tough time in a traditional patriarchal Hindu family as much as in a traditional Muslim family. <br />
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Do not ba<x>se your decision on the stereotypes of one community or the other but on your individual situation. Talk it out with your partner and be clear and open about what compromises you will not make, no matter what and if you believe he has it in him to respect it and make sure his family respects it as well then thats it.

Some misleading advice here. I don't know if it's deliberate or simply a matter of ignorance. 2 cents from an ex-Muslim woman:<br />
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While Muslim men are technically allowed to marry Jewish and Christian women, it's certainly NOT encouraged and if his family is traditional in it's mindset, you can definitely expect to be looked down upon and be the target of a certain amount of unpleasantness. This is if you're a PRACTICING Christian or Jew. <br />
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You state, however, that you are not any of those, and are in fact more of an agnostic. If you're a de facto agnostic, then you're not considered a "person of the book" and the marriage is completely disallowed under shari'ah (unless you convert to Islam, which you say you don't want to do). Also, shar'ii laws state that the children would have to be Muslim, regardless of what your religion is. <br />
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While it may not be politically correct to say so, women do get a rather raw deal in orthodox Muslim marriages. That's a fact, not a stereotype. The Quran clearly places the husband as definitively superior to the wife, both in terms of social status and decision-making authority. This is something you should know about.<br />
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Having said that, I will point out that not all Muslims follow shari'ah or the Quran very closely. Rather than trying to find out the religion's views, try to find out your partner's views on these things. Do NOT marry him without his parents' knowledge and you MUST meet them at least once, preferably more. Family ties in Islam follow a rigid hierarchy which you may be surprised at the strength of. Traditional Muslim parents tend to control their childrens' lives to a much greater extent than most Westerners are used to and even if they don't actually live with you, they can have a significant impact on your partner's actions. <br />
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Don't be scared off by the warnings. I'm sure he's a wonderful man. Just stay a bit cautious, do not rush things and do not be afraid to call it all off if you feel uncomfortable. You'll be fine, don't worry. :)

Hey nina...i ll give you a suggestion which you wont like but trust be its correct...<br />
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dont even think of getting married to him...adjusting in a muslim family can be really difficult & i have heard known people who have had horrid time & have never been able to come out of it... so move out of its as quickly as possible..its not going to take you anywhere...

If its true love, it will endure everything !!

Young wise one, ihtirametna :)

I’m a Muslim girl, and I would like to clear things up for you :)<br />
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(it is sinful not only because it is out of wedlock, but also because I am not a Muslim) >>> It’s sinful and forbidden in Islam ONLY because it is out of wedlock, nothing in Islam is talking about non Muslims, if he’s in a relationship with a Muslim Girl, it will be also sinful, it might even be more sinful and worse!<br />
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(horror stories of non Muslim women being in relationships with Muslim men for it only to end up in a break up, divorce, or broken hearts.) >>> A Muslim HAVE TO treat his wife with respect whether she was a Muslim or non Muslim, and God will ask him about “ his non Muslim wife” and will punish him for not treating her well, dear it’s not about being Muslim, or non Muslim! It’s about the big differences in believes, these differences might not make a problem now, but it’s totally different after Marriage because you’re sharing your life with someone where you can’t just stick to your believes, and same for him! Because even if there was lots of love, I’m quite sure there will be Lots of disagreements, and different opinions!!<br />
………>>> and the kids!! They will be Muslims as their Father, but the question here do you accept for your kids to be raised as Muslims?!!! You see, there are a lot of difficulties that will lead to a divorce or unhealthy marriage!<br />
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(I do not want to lie about who I am and convert, I am not Muslim and I will never be Muslim.) >> I totally respect you for being honest to yourself, and to God! I strongly suggest you not to convert if you don’t believe in Islam because Religion is not a game and no one on earth worth to change your Religion for him :)<br />
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This is what I truly think, I hope things work well for you :)

Sometimes the truth hurts, sometimes it opens our eyes, sometimes we ignore it.....<br />
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Unfortunately, although the Qu'raan states Muslim men can marry "people of the book", there are very few people (if any, any more) that would fall under this category, it also means you have to be a practising Christian or Jew for this to be applicable.<br />
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A point for you (nina) is do not convert to Islam just for the sake of marriage. I know you say you will never do so, but believe me there will be a time when he will have to choose. It will come to two major factors:<br />
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1) Religion and Family or <br />
2) You. <br />
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This will not be an easy decision for him and Religion is a central point to all Muslims, no matter how little or much they are practising. Most major decisions will follow this road. Families are also a huge factor; Islam and Muslims are very family orientated and again this ways up against him choosing you over them.<br />
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Although you are happy with him now, inevitably there will be problems down the road. Every relationship has them. If he chooses you over religion and family, be ready for this to come out in arguments, in a BIG way.<br />
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My advice to you, is keep an open mind. Read about Islam so you can understand him better and why these decisions are so difficult for him, yet a lot more trivial for you (in comparison). And also, if you truly love him and want his happiness you'd tell him to choose his religion. Because without it he will feel empty and always wanting... he'll become more withdrawn, more argumentative and neither of you will have what you want.<br />
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If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask (either of you). I'll try and help.<br />
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After writing this I scrolled up and have just realised the date of the post (July 2009). Oh well, if it still applies I hope it helps.

GhostAssassin.....I really enjoyed reading your post, and the reason why is because I found myself in the same situation as this young lady. I am a steadfast and firm Christian...very strong in what I believe. I met a muslim man, was actually the first encounter I ever had with a muslim. I knew nothing about Muslims nor Islam, except Muslims were bad and hateful people and they worshipped another God "allah." However, when I met this man, he changed my whole life and my view of Muslim. He taught me to be open-minded about the situation and the religion. He taught me many things about his religion and culture, but I had to go do some researching of my own. I myself will never convert to Islam "How could I deny the Deity and Divine nature of Jesus Christ after I had experienced Him? He is an integral part of my life. He actually is my life." But I understood as I stay with this Muslim someone would eventually deviate from their belief. He is all too strong in his religion, "though he is not an extremist"....but he is unshaken in his beliefs and tradition. I never had anyone to treat me the way this Muslim man treated me. He flooded me with kindness and affection, to the point I fell in love with him. We've talked and we have talked about his religion, my religion, children and so forth. Well I am not okay with my children learning Islam and this would be a problem. He also didnt know if his family would accept me, because noone in his family ever ever dated a non-muslim. He came over to the US and I was his first experience as being involved with a non-muslim. But eventually I got confused, because I knew how I felt about him, but I didnt know if God would honor a marriage of such. Though it would not be sin to marry him, but I always dreamed of marrying someone who I can share Christ with. I just didnt understand how can I be so in love with this man, and I know the bible speaks of being unequally yoked...I found this website that shared similar stories, so I was intrigued about how many people was experiencing this same situation. Me and my Muslim friend decided we would be friends, which I am certainly okay with that...but it doesnt changed the way I feel about him. Please help me

Hi suigbinomwanhia,
I'm actually experiencing more or less the same thing here. You can read my story here,


For us, we've decided to go through that extra mile together. Because that's all we want right now. I feel the same way you feel, the fact that we can't convert because Jesus is already a part of our lives. He IS our lives. We've experienced Him, in every way possible, even in the smallest way. And I definitely agree, that religions are not a game, that you can just play for the sake of playing.
For me and my fiancee, we really want this.
I admire how strong you are, when you said you and your Muslim friend can just stay as friends. Because when you have that much love for someone, he definitely can't just be your friend. He's something more.
My fiancee and I are aware that this is not going to be easy, but it's not impossible. Just as long as our love stays as strong, or maybe get even stronger, we'll make it through. If lots of other people can do it, why not us? We just need to find a way to do it.
Anyway, I just hope you maybe can share the website you spoke of in your message with me.
And I hope that you do the right thing, don't just let go of someone because of one obstacle. Instead hold hands and climb that obstacle together : )
All the best, thanks!

Hi GhostAssassin,

((Families are also a huge factor; Islam and Muslims are very family orientated and again this ways up against him choosing you over them.)) ~
For me, his family had already accepted me as a person who's not going to convert to Islam. All they said is as long as I treat them with respect as most religions teaches the same thing. For my family, they do not allow me to convert, which then comes to a conclusion that we're all compromising the situation for a solution. I've met his family, and we've spent so much time together. For us, family is not an issue and will not be. So is our religions, we just believe that religions teaches us more or less the same things, moral values.

But the questions we have are more like how can we do it?
I really hope you can help us here, even a little piece of advice will worth so much. Thanks!

1 More Response

What's the problem here? A Muslim man can marry a Christian or Jewish woman - this is written in the Qur'an. And she can remain in her religion for the rest of her life. It's been documented in history repeatedly.<br />
The only thing haram is for a Muslim to have sex outside of marriage or marry a polytheism or an atheist.<br />
There's horror stories and there are also beautiful marriages. A Muslim man is taught to be responsible and honorable towards his woman because it is his duty to God. I pray for your happiness.

You dont have to be a muslim to love a muslim! Its not haram..ok ok sex without wedlock is haram (may god forgive you...and he will) but for a muslim man to marry a non muslim is not the end of the world. He gets extra points if he marries a non muslim then a muslium. Just respect both relgions and of course respect the elders! and you be ok!

Hi,<br />
I understand perfectly what you are going through. For the last year Im in a relationship with and Indian man from India.<br />
I am Christian and he is hindu. His family doesnt know about me. He only told a couple of his close friends.<br />
Its really difficuly, since we are very happy with each other; but we do know that should this relationship turns into marriage it would be really difficult mostly for me. I feel that life is so unfair, cause this is the man of my dreams; but life or rather the culture difference might make of break us. And the sad thing is; that we accept each other with no expectation to change. but both our families might not agree with it.