SICK

I'm still obsessed. My mind seems to have hanged; stuck in a single, persistent thought. It amazes me how I can be maddeningly obsessed with a manipulative user...a man 21 years my senior. He affects my whole being, has complete power over my mind, my heart, and my everyday existence. It is scary. It is shockingly pathetic. Paralytic. I've become so obsessed that I have detached from life. I no longer cared about anything. I hate everything that is not connected to him. Everything suddenly turned banal and insipid except him. Yet he sees me as nothing but a well-oiled machine. He doesn't value me at all and takes advantage of my loneliness, my low self-esteem and my generosity. He ruins me, yet I internally cling to him.

The other day, Sunday, we arrived late at the year-end get-together. I waited for him to spot me among the crowd. When he finally saw me, I was appalled by the blank, stoney expression on his face. He ignored me the whole night. It crushed me, plummeted me down to the deepest recesses of my lonely existence, suffocating me...I floated in a vast, empty hole and wondered if I could survive.

Past objects of infatuation or obsession were not as intense as this. When they turn cold towards me, i instantly lose interest...and my being is enveloped with relief. Indifference cures my obsession.

But this one is different; I panic and I don't know if I can move on with my life.

The following day, I was suffering tremendously and I couldn't believe how cruel he was...Now that he couldn't use me anymore, he suddenly disregards me and becomes totally unaware of my existence!

That night I went to church and prayed. Prayed for my soul, my obsessions, for the terrible insecurity that my new job causes me...and my social anxiety. Afterward I felt better and was ready to face the world without him.

I hung-out at the lobby after praying, and had a chat with Marlan, and knowing that she suffered a worse kind of heartbreak made me admire her...and was amazed that she survived. Sane humans are capable of susrviving a heartbreak.

Then I heared his unmistakable voice outside the chapel; reverberating in the empty church. From then on, I didn't hear a word Marlan has said. I wasn't expecting him to be there at all. He was seated by the frontsteps and he'd surely see me whichever door I exited.

My back was turned from the door, and I moved away so he wouldn't see me. But after a few minutes, he asked aloud, "Si Step ba 'yon?"

So I went out and as I was going down the steps, he was looking down - preoccupied with something. He was in jeans and his cream-colored shirt. He looked up and upon seeing me,immediately pulled out a chair so I could sit next to him. I was glad but I was weary. We talked about my new cellphone and I snapped a photo of him.

After that, life seemed to have lighten up and I could breathe again. Nevertheless, I became more sick than ever.
lonelygarland lonelygarland
22-25, F
2 Responses May 1, 2007

I have given this advice to people many times. If you are that obsessed with someone, you need to talk to them. Tell them how much you are willing to give and see how they feel about it. <br />
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Most people want a person who is willing to give this much of themselves but don't know how to interpret the signs when they find one.

It is strange how love existed in such strange forms...