My Sailor On Leave










I'm waiting for you to appear at my door, but i know this will not happen. Our relationship is over.  


 


 


I had waited 7 weeks for my sailor to return home to me.,In that time we had argued lots about all different things. Our relationship had got turned into something very confusing and bitter.  


We had planned to live together so the last time he was back we kinder started talking about this allot so by the time he went back down i had found a house and signed a lease. 


 During the 7 weeks i had moved all my things to the new house and started to sort it out ready for when he returned so that he would be comfortable and that it would be a fresh start. I worked very hard on the house and it was finally finished the day before he was due to return. 


I had to pull in lots of favours from friends and family just to get finished but they all helped knowing i was planning to move in with my sailor. I thought him being here gave us more time together and would make the constant waiting bearable., 


 


While he was away i had told him to not ,surprise me and come home and turn up on my door step again, because i wanted to be ready and glamorous for when he returned. I has outfits and sexy under wear all planned. Also a breakfast in bed planned. 


 


The night before he was planned to return i was busy ironing the fresh bedding and plucking my eye brows in my pj's and there was a knock at the door. I had this over whelming feeling it was him. I peered though the spy hole and couldn't see anyone. I ran up stairs to change and to put on a little make up. ,I wanted to look my best to be honest i looked horrible. 


He wasn't very happy that i wasn't very confident and seemed not very happy to see him. I just kept thinking about all the plans he had ruined i told him do not turn up. I haven't got anything to hide i just wanted to look nice for him. I was very happy to see him though. 


 


He wanted to have sex with me as soon as he was through the door. I just knew i just wasn't very trim down stairs so refused and said i wanted to get change into something more sexy and to shower first. As i went upstairs to shave he stayed downstairs. I later found out during this time he read my phone. He recently has not been very trusting of me. 


He found texts on my phone from my ex boyfriend nothing to suggest that anything is going on because there isn't, but he wants me to keep away from him he says hes bad news which he is but were good friends still. I know my ex wants more from me but he knows its not possible. He did caused allot of problems i had finished with him to get with my sailor and at that time me and my ex were living together.  


 


After this he was very cold towards me for the rest of that night and the next morning. I knew something was wrong so i told him how i felt. saying i just could not do it. He wasn't very pleased and jumped up out of bed and started to get dressed. We argued and he told me he had read the texts. We tried to sort things out but i just knew he was so upset with me. I also felt he didn't believe what i was saying. He was very moody and sharpe with me he gave me that look like i was a idiot.  


 


During the 7 weeks i had told my sailor things must be different when he returned. I cant carry things on how they were. I really do not mind not seeing my man every day. I know his job is very important to him, but what is the point waiting for so long and when he gets back i still don't get to see him. I'm so alone watching the days go by and i had pinned allot of my hopes on spending this leave with him. 


 


He always comes my house when hes tired on the first night when hes back then most of the next day he spends with me. Then he goes to his mums for the next night and day and  the next night too. 


 I told him how much this annoys me. I know he must see his family but they get his best time. I just get him when hes a sleep. He just doesn't have the time for me. 


 


He told me this would be different. Just once i begged and it would be different. That he would come back and sweep me off my feet. Show me all the things that came out of his mouth were true. 


 


Not even 24 hours after he returned to me he was disappearing to his mums leaving me in and alone yet another Friday night Saturday Day. I couldn't believe this i really couldn't. I felt so betrayed that even after everything we talked about he was still doing the same thing. Not to mention the time he was at mine he was either asleep, on the Internet or complaining about something i did who how i looked. 


He even couldn't face eating on ******* meal with me at the kitchen table he said it felt weird and made comments about how i held my knife and folk. 


 


 I don't understand this man he offers me everything when hes away but as soon as hes back i get nothing. I don't want him 24  7 a just want to feel he likes spending time with me. He says he loves me, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Yet he doesn't want to spend his first few days back with me. 


 


I look at others relationships, from people walking down the street or friends i know. They seem so happy. Not only do they want to rip eachothers clothes off but they enjoy eachothers energies! I f the hardest of long distance relationships have some point when their world collide. They get to spend a few days a few hours together and its at this point they both feel whole again. I feel we miss this core to our relationship. 


 


Something clicked in my head and i told him out right i wasn't prepared to do this and that he had blown his chance with what had gone on. I locked the door behind him and i asked him to leave and i ignored his knocking until he drove off. 


 


I cant stand for waiting and waiting and waiting just to get nothing. One side of me hopes he will knock on my door and want to sort things out and another part of me feels to alone to keep working on this. How much can one person possibly take? 


 


After the first night in on my own i couldn't face yet another night in watching the telly so i pulled in what little contacts i have to try and find someone to have a drink we with me out on the down. It was Saturday night after all. 


My side kick had just gone off to China for a holiday so she was ruled out.  


Being all single an that i tested a few guys i thought would be interested but only the last resort ones texted back. Maybe it was too late. I couldn't deal with another night of crying so i got my glad rags on and went and met my ex boyfriend for a quite drink. 


Two red Wines,7 double vodkas and 4 Sambuca’s later we had managed to meet up with one of my ex’s old friends from school and his girl friend. All of us got on like a house on fire and this really was keeping my mind off my sailor. Fears of the sailor turning up and the house and seeing that my ex was there i avoided this and stayed at my ex house. 


Before we knew it my judgements had slipped and i had sex with the ex. 


I knew  before it was over it all had happened to soon and he wasn't who wanted. i blurted out to my ex about that i had met someone else and it broke out into a argument where hurtful comments were flown back and forth.  


 


It ended in me leaving to find a street address so i could ring a taxi.  


 


How had i managed to get myself into this mess. Not only was i confused about my former relationship but with regret i had flitted back to my ex. I know this would just break my sailors heart if he knew.  


 


I am still someone that is still looking for love. Over Whelming, cant live without each other love. I just don't think its here.










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samscleverbox samscleverbox
22-25, F
Aug 8, 2010