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I Think I Am In Love

“I am not sure, but it often feels like I am in love with him. He is 21 and I am in my 40s, though I have been mistaken for being in my 20s. He actually thought I was in my 20s. He can pass for 30, he has a bony face and often has a very serious expression and he looks and acts much older.. And although he looks very healthy and handsome, at times I wonder if having grown up in deprived surroundings has made him mature faster. I would forget how old he is -- (he has also lied about his age a couple of times, although only claiming to be 2 years older) - and I would talk to him as if he were older and have expectations that are more fitting for an older person. He speaks profoundly, and like me, has literary interests and a philosophical bent.

It's been two years now since we fist met, and we've gotten together a handful of times - two of those times ending in awkwardness and regret. But then we get in touch online after many months and everything seems fine again and he wants to meet in person. I am glad I am overseas now and cannot indulge this wish of his because I am obsessive and confused enough as it is. I wish I knew for sure that this was just a thing of lust for me, but I think about him way too much, and mostly in a non-lustful way, for it to be so.

So I am wondering if this is just something I just have to live with in secret, and hope that it fades away. We have not spoken about love at all. Although we've both been matter-of-fact about our physical attraction and have acted on it a couple of times, our behaviors have been confusing.

My concern is I cannot get him out of my mind, once he is in it. Maybe this recent online connection was not good for me, because this obsession has started all over again. I want to think that he had or has no feelings for me, but I can't keep myself from believing that we had something special. I sometimes wonder if this is healthy at all.

Many times I have tried to imagine an older, more mature version of him or look-a-like as my partner. Am I just torturing myself? I am single and childless, so I have no other issues complicating things. I just want a resolution to this one-sided obsession that I have not had since I was 17.”

pamina pamina 26-30, F Feb 16, 2012

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