I'm Waiting For Him

I love this guy. I met him two-and-a-half years ago online, when he was 13.5 and I was 18.5. The online forums we met on are dedicated to a book series that is immensely meaningful to both of us, and has changed our lives--so, right there, we already had something in common.

Over the course of just a few months, we got to know each other so well, and we became best friends. We've had our ups and our downs, and we have yet to meet in person, but we're still us. Still buddies.

A few months ago, I started feeling really strange whenever we chatted online, and I got depressed whenever he had to leave. It took me a while to figure out what was going on. But I've been in love before. I just had never anticipated falling for this guy. I mean, I haven't been surprised in the least, really. He's amazing. But I used to have secret plans to have him marry my younger sister (they're about the same age), and I joked about adopting him a couple of times. He was like my brother, and yet here I am.

I thought maybe it was just a crush, at first, but I'm closing in on 6 months of this and nothing's changed. During that time I reconnected with an old ex of mine, who was a dear friend before we broke up and stopped talking, and even though I felt a little bud of attraction start growing in me over the ex, it's gone and I still can't picture anyone but my younger best friend in my future.

He knows how I feel. I couldn't keep it from him for very long, once I realized it wasn't just going to go away. I tried to get over him, for a while, but I honestly don't have the motivation to do that. He means too much to me.

Right now, he doesn't really feel the same way about me. Honestly, girls aren't on his radar at all except for as differently-built human beings. He's just not interested in relationships.
I know that right now, when he's 16 and I'm 21 in a month, 5 years is a big age gap. As mature as he is, he still has growing up to do and things to figure out about himself, and life, and what he wants.

So, I decided to wait for him. We're both determined to always be friends, even when it's not easy, so I have hope that, should he ever change his mind about females, I will have a fighting chance. If for no other reason than that we've already been friends for a while and we've already fought our share of battles in order to remain that way.

I have to admit, it's scary, though. I love him so much, and I've never felt this much patience for anything before. But this feels right, and worth the wait. But what happens if I wait, for years, and nothing comes of it? I'm not sitting idly by and doing nothing, but what if I pass up opportunities because I'm determined to have him, and I never get him? What if I spend so long waiting for what I want that I miss the good things right in front of me?

Still, I have my faith, my hope, and my love. If it's truly as right as it feels to me, then it will happen.
mmeeshal mmeeshal
18-21, F
3 Responses Apr 12, 2012

Did u finally get him? :)

i understand you more than you can imagine my dear friend!!!! I have a friend in facebook, we started chatting recently and found out that we have exactly the shame interests, same aims, same taste in music and everything, he is so kind to me, after a couple of days i cought myself smiling everytime he liked my songs and commented in something... and i realised that i started to fall in love with him... problem is i'm 26 and he is 19, and although i would never expect that this would happen to me , it just happened!

Your story is beautiful. My wife is five years older than I am. One of her friends who just found out called her a cougar. I was almost afraid my wife was going to SLAP her! :) (She didn't.) <br />
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I'm a little surprised your friend isn't showing any interest in you at all. I know 21 must seem terribly old to him now, but when I was 16 I was absolutely desperate for a girlfriend; I'd have settled for an "old crone" of 21. You seem a bit vulnerable, so I think it would hurt you if you found out that he's gay or something, so I hope he's not.<br />
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No matter what happens, I hope this situation works out for you!

Thank you for your comment! It's rare for me to receive any sort of support from anyone (one of my friends keeps telling me I'm "creepy" and I can't even tell my parents because they think it's wrong for me to even be FRIENDS with someone his age, much less have feelings for him--they'd freak out if I told them), so I really appreciate hearing from someone who believes it's possible for this to work out. =)

You know, I'd never considered the possibility of him being gay; I don't really think it's likely, but I could see it as a possibility. We had a few conversations once where it came to light that when we first met, he did have something of a crush on me for a while (I dunno how I never noticed, but I guess since he was so young I didn't even think of it as a possibility), so I'm inclined to think it's not the case...but you just never know. I do actually appreciate you bringing it up as a possibility, because I never would have thought of it myself and it's given me something to consider. Not so much to contemplate if he's actually gay or not, but just thinking about how I'd feel if he is, and how I'd respond.

He's not Catholic, but right now he seems like he'd be one of those guys who would end up "marrying" the church, if he has any sort of relationship at all. We'll see how that goes. Again, still got some growing up to do. XD

Thanks again, I am pretty well committed to doing whatever I can to make this work and to see if we can get as far as I believe we can. ^^ Keeping my fingers crossed!

I might be nuts, of course, but I disagree with your parents and friends. I don't get any kind of creepy vibe from you at all: I think you're speaking straight from the heart and that your feelings for your friend are genuine. I hope things work out, or, at least that if he doesn't (or can't) feel the same way you do, you don't get too badly hurt by the experience.