Should I Be With Him

My bf is 25 and I am 41. He is from Northern India. We were friends for 9 months before we got together and I always joke it took him that time to win me over. He makes me laugh and is very caring and has always shown interest in my 3 children from my previous marriage.

We spent the last year happy but for me it was mixed emotions of whether I was doing the right thing getting into a serious relationship with him because of his age, and he had nothing to offer other than his love & a casual fulltime job which doesnt pay a lot.

He also lives 2 hrs away but I work in the area every fortnight and he comes down for 1 or 2 nights on the other week so we see eachother every week.

Over this last year, I have learnt to trust him and understand him. He has always maintained that "we love eachother" and that it was forever, but I always laughed it off and said I wasnt having any more children and he will have to eventually go and have his own family.

The problem now is, I discovered I was pregnant (thinking I was menopausal). He is happy about this, but I am freaking out! There are so many negatives in this situation, but I cant bring myself to have an abortion.

The positives are: He is loving, devoted, great with my kids (they adore him) and he can be emotionally mature when the time calls for it in the relationship. He has always been there for me when I need him and has a good sense of duty to the relationship.

However, financially he is irresponsible. He has come over here and been like a boy in a candy shop and spends his money as soon as he earns it. He doesnt own a car as he lives and works near trains stations so he doesnt want one, which is OK but means I drive everywhere with my car.

I feel he has mild ADHD, and sometimes his attitude seems to have a sense of entitlement in life which I think is part of his culture as the indians share everything between eachother without thinking twice.

I have worked hard and have a beautiful house which I have a mortgage for, and have 3 kids to support.

Now Im pregnant, my expectations of him have changed. He wants to get married etc (which will give him citizenship and a good start to life here to better himself with getting a better paid job).

I dont know if this guy is going to step up the way he needs to, with the right attitude. He getting a lot more from this relationship than I am. But was hurt when we were discussing this as he interpretes my view of him as a failure up to now because he hasnt made anything of himself.

My questions are: Am I going to get resentful and bitter in the future that I worked hard for this life that he was walked into in the name of love, and wants to life a cruisy life (even though he will still be working) ? And I am going to be having another child I didnt plan, which would be coming into a loving environment, but I am responsible for if anything goes wrong, it me being a single mum all over again?

His family will never accept me (they are in India). But what is my future? Will he leave me and his child for an indian wife in 10 years? I cant see that happening, but have so many doubts.

Has anyone been in this situation? I feel the option of adopting the baby out is my best course of action, but I love him and don't feel it will be fair to him as he wants to be a dad.

Please advise :-)
uncertaincougar uncertaincougar
2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

Charles and I have over 18 years between us. If you need someone to talk to ever, send me a message. I hope that it alerts me by e-mail. There should be friendly support groups for women who fall in love and marry younger men. We are currently apart, he is in TX and I am in CA. That is hard enough without an extreme age difference.

Hi, thank you so much for your response. I will send you a message

please contact me.