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Not Quite Yet

I can't actually say I'm in love with him, but I do have serious feelings for him. There are two problems: one, I am married, but I don't know for how long. and two, he is a LOT younger than me.

I am 39 and he is 20. That is a pretty big difference. Even if I were single, I would be rather nervous about starting something with him, as much as I care about him. I'm afraid he would get tired of me, or end up wanting more than what I do at this point in my life, and where would it end up then? I do know he talks about having kids someday, and I also know that I feel like I am already done having my kids...I honestly can't imagine having any more at my age. We are getting closer and closer every day, and I just don't know if I should put a stop to it now, and try to remain friends before it goes too far for that, or see what happens. I want to be with him so much. And from what I can tell, I think he is feeling the same way too. But, he's also not the kind of guy who's going to try to start up an affair, he's going to want to know it's over in my marriage first. I just don't know what to do.

cancermoon cancermoon 41-45, F 21 Responses Dec 17, 2008

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Thing is, it is his choice as yours, you cant help who you mesh well with. If cares about you now as you are, I dont think he will get bored with you, that is an insecurity of yours, life is to short, to let fears and negative people control you or force their negative opinions on, you. you are the boss of your love life, maybe you need him now in your life and he needs you, if he is very mature for his age that alone is a fractin of what sets him apart from other men.sadly he might see in you what all other else hasnt, maybe he REALLY SEEs you. should you deprive yourself from happiness? or him? it is very hard I know I am with someone 16 years younger than me, but he is thee first man to see me, he actually wants to talk, he talks more than a girl some times lol, he wants me to go places with him, be out, he includes me, no one has ever done that as any man in my life not even my dad. so should I give up my happiness when family or friends *****? I see them once in a while, I am not hurting him manipulating him, we where such good friends to begin with. so I decided, that those small few who had issues with it, to let them, it is their fault they dont see what he does, its their fault they dont see what I do. when you find a man that you can be your full self with, why let him go? if your getting a divorce and you are over him, let love live with the man that loves and wants you. Good luck =]

I stumbled upon this site and found that I'm not alone at all. Thank you for sharing your story 'cos I can't help feeling guilty about mine. I don't know if I'm in love with this younger man but I definitely have special feelings for him. He's 10 years younger than me and a student of mine in a language class. I'm 37 and he's 27, an adult of course. I was married and have 2 children but have divorced 2 years ago. Somehow my ex and I got back together to raise the kids and haven't remarried since then.I didn't have any special feelings for this guy at first but later on I started to care more about him because he's such a smart and hardworking student. I bet he got more and more interested in me as he constantly asked questions about my weekend plans and wanted to join me in some activities I was doing. We started to spend time together and until now, we have seen each other almost everyday, both inside class and outside class. He wanted me to give him extra classes and we often meet in a cafe for the lessons but most of the time we just chat about our life or go eating somewhere. Also, we message a lot of facebook, like 3 or 4 times a week, after our very long meetings that usually last from 3 to 4 hours. It seems we have so many things in common and a lot to talk about. When he's beside me, he acts very naturally and is always lots of fun to be with. He often says he wants our relationship to be stronger. I told him he could be my younger brother and he started to call me sis every time we talk.Our meetings are always something for us to look forward to. He told me so and I feel the same. I'm excited like a teenage girl going to her first date, every time we meet. And I started dreaming about him.We are getting closer every day and of course I'm afraid. Love has died between me and my ex but we have agreed to live together to raise the kids. My young man doesn't know he thinks I'm still married and I have no intention to tell him because I'm not so sure about his feeling for me.He says he enjoys being with me so much because I always make him feel good, I listen to him and lessen his worries. He's going to another city to work in 1 month and he says he will return to see me and ask me to go there to see him. (It's a city nearby and transportation is very convenient, I often go on business trips there too.)One more thing, I look very young for my age. My other students say I look very young, like a 24 or 25 year-old woman due to my bone structure and my skin, also my style and they way I dress. We don't look very different in appearance. He looks quite mature for his age. He always makes comments about my young look.Sorry for babbling too much here. But right now I'm very confused. I don't know if I should step back and keep this sister-brother relationship which is quite wonderful or move on because legally I'm a single woman. I know he has special feelings for me too because although he's a very sociable and fun-loving man, he's willing to cancel his appointments to meet me just to sit in one place and talk and also messages me almost everyday though we meet like 6 times a day. He's not the type of man that will do things he doesn't want to do. My feeling for him is getting stronger day by day. I bet he feels it too since I can see it on my own face. I can see my eyes shine when talking to him. I can feel the same spark when I look into his eyes; it's just that there are so many barriers between us, or we think so.I can't say I'm in love with him, but I'm really into him. And I think he's into me, too. Love is a big word but we talk about family love, the kind of love that we agreed on at the beginning, I know it's just a stupid excuse.I'm not asking for advice here, just want to share my story. I know there're no 2 cases that are the same. I just hope to get some sympathy from those who have the same story and also hope I can find a way out of this maze. I don't want to lose him. He's wonderful despite his silly actions and terrible habits sometimes. I know all about it, but after all, his virtues outdo all the bad characteristics. He's handsome, intelligent, hardworking, manly, funny, caring, sweet, crazy, naughty. He has everything that a woman desires. Other girls in my class like him but he doesn't care for them. He told me he thinks they are lazy and stupid and only want designer bags. And I guess I'm different to him. I don't dream of a happy-ever-after with him. I just want to be with him, either by his side or on his mind. Thanks for your patience.

i have read these stories - all i can say is Happiness comes first and you are in charge of your happiness.
if you arent happy in your marriage- DO NOT stay in it for the kids-- they have proven time and time again its not helpful- infact it messes the kids up worse. Im a living experiance of that
trust me- if its the time and you feel its worth it- talk to him ask how real is it - if its love dont EVER let this pass you by- or youll feel regret like nothing else

Hello! Glad 2 know that I'm not alone. I'm married and so much in love with a man 12 years younger than I am. My husband and I are married for 17 years now, I thought we'll be happy and it felt like I just want to keep this marriage working until I met this man who is so wonderful. My husband is quite the opposite, he is 8 yrs older than me and always dominant, even our only child, our 8 yr. old daughter is getting distant from him lately cause he always scolds and shouts at her. I've never experienced from my husband any tenderness and passionate love towards him and most of the time he's pig-headed, just because I'm much younger than him. As of now, I don't know what I should do, I've never been so sure before about my feelings with this younger man who lavishly gives me attention and promised that he'll always be there for me and will wait for me. My husband didn't marry me yet in Church and that's one of the things that is bothering me since I'm a devout Catholic. It is my dream to be married in Church, bot how can we, my husband married someone in Catholic Chruch long before he met me and it was not annulled yet. The man I'm in love with is willing to marry me in a Catholic Church if things would work out..He met my daughter a couple of times before and my daughter just adores him, they did get along fine. I guess I'm just waiting for the right time to make a move, to not hurt my husbands feelings cause I still want us to be friends even if we break up our marriage. I'm really planning it carefully. The problem is, there is no divorce in the Philippines, only Annulment and it's quite a long process. What do I do now, so desperate.

Hello! Glad 2 know that I'm not alone. I'm married and so much in love with a man 12 years younger than I am. My husband and I are married for 17 years now, I thought we'll be happy and it felt like I just want to keep this marriage working until I met this man who is so wonderful. My husband is quite the opposite, he is 8 yrs older than me and always dominant, even our only child, our 8 yr. old daughter is getting distant from him lately cause he always scolds and shouts at her. I've never experienced from my husband any tenderness and passionate love towards him and most of the time he's pig-headed, just because I'm much younger than him. As of now, I don't know what I should do, I've never been so sure before about my feelings with this younger man who lavishly gives me attention and promised that he'll always be there for me and will wait for me. My husband didn't marry me yet in Church and that's one of the things that is bothering me since I'm a devout Catholic. It is my dream to be married in Church, bot how can we, my husband married someone in Catholic Chruch long before he met me and it was not annulled yet. The man I'm in love with is willing to marry me in a Catholic Church if things would work out..He met my daughter a couple of times before and my daughter just adores him, they did get along fine. I guess I'm just waiting for the right time to make a move, to not hurt my husbands feelings cause I still want us to be friends even if we break up our marriage. I'm really planning it carefully. The problem is, there is no divorce in the Philippines, only Annulment and it's quite a long process. What do I do now, so desperate.

Hello! Glad 2 know that I'm not alone. I'm married and so much in love with a man 12 years younger than I am. My husband and I are married for 17 years now, I thought we'll be happy and it felt like I just want to keep this marriage working until I met this man who is so wonderful. My husband is quite the opposite, he is 8 yrs older than me and always dominant, even our only child, our 8 yr. old daughter is getting distant from him lately cause he always scolds and shouts at her. I've never experienced from my husband any tenderness and passionate love towards him and most of the time he's pig-headed, just because I'm much younger than him. As of now, I don't know what I should do, I've never been so sure before about my feelings with this younger man who lavishly gives me attention and promised that he'll always be there for me and will wait for me. My husband didn't marry me yet in Church and that's one of the things that is bothering me since I'm a devout Catholic. It is my dream to be married in Church, bot how can we, my husband married someone in Catholic Chruch long before he met me and it was not annulled yet. The man I'm in love with is willing to marry me in a Catholic Church if things would work out..He met my daughter a couple of times before and my daughter just adores him, they did get along fine. I guess I'm just waiting for the right time to make a move, to not hurt my husbands feelings cause I still want us to be friends even if we break up our marriage. I'm really planning it carefully. The problem is, there is no divorce in the Philippines, only Annulment and it's quite a long process. What do I do now, so desperate.

Hello. I was maried to a man 8 years younger then me. We didnt have a sexual relationship. He worked out of town all the time. About 7 years ago I had to have a complete hysterectomphy. It was like he signed my right away of ever becoming a mother. I met his younger man 13 1/2 years younger then myself. He has 4 children. And I love all 4 of his kids like they were my own. He is a great daddy. He takes care of them. Anyway. About 4 months ago I had took all I was going to take and filed for a divorce. This younger man was my ex husbands boss. And we all had been friends for year's. As a weekend job, We worked very close to one another. And it was like my ex trusted him more then anything when it came to me and him. I really cared about him through the years but since he seen my ex hit me, my feeling have become alot stronger for him. He said he had been having feeling for me but backed away, because he thought that the ex and I would get back together. But we didnt. When he backed away from me he started dating another girl. He isnt real seroius with her or he wouldnt be coming around me all the time. YES we have had sex 2 times since I filed for divorce. About 2 1/2 weeks ago I told him how I felt about him. And I told him since I laid my cards out on the table tha the ball was in his court now. He has been acting on his feeling somewhat. But I guess im writing this is to ask how long I should wait to see if he does have true felings for me. How long should I wait? He tells me all the time that he loves me, but he is still dating that other girl. PLEASE HELP WITH ADVICE. Just like tonight, I had my Christmas with him. I bought him over $200.00 worth of things. But he didnt buy me anything as of yet. He promised me the weekend of Jan 13th that we would go out of town just him and I. Am I just going to be a roll in the hay or do you think he will tell me that he has made up his mind and wants to be with me. I dont think he would be the type to take me away for a weekend trip to tell me something I dont want to hear. Im confussed. Any advice would help. Im 41 and he is 27. Ive loved him since I met him 11 years ago. I just dont know if im in LOVE with him

I am currently experiencing a very similar story. I keep thinking that I may have a problem, but obviously I don't. I am falling for a lovely young man and he is mature in character. I am very very attracted to him and his ways. He is very compatible in most ways its scary. <br />
<br />
I am married to my husband for only 3 years but we have dated and lived together much longer. In those years we have had many problem to try to sort out or get properly addressed. This has caused my attraction to him lessen and I see him as my very best friend rather than a sexually attractive man to me. <br />
<br />
This is also becoming a stressing factor about security, my children's well being etc...<br />
But I don't want to say NO to this opportunity...my life, my soul, my happiness. HELP!<br />
Previous I have fallen very hard for another younger man, but he got cold feet and could not handle the thought of me

ps...I am 42 and he is 19!

Hi All,<br />
<br />
I have been married for 21 years and have three teenage kids. Marriage has been on the rocks since three years into it and he started to have affairs. i lost count of how many so far. I tried to hang on. Mainly for security and for kids. Things never are the same are they when you lose trust? so even though we are together, its just a contract. I look after kids. He provides.<br />
<br />
right now I am in a different country. I moved there to pursue doctoral studies. husband didnt come with me. actually my decision may have been motivated by the desire to move away from everything. I am still married. he continues to have affairs on and off. If i confront there is the whole drama of denial. if i ask for separation, he wants to sort things out.<br />
<br />
I am tired. have had enough. then i met this younger man. was a student of mine where i teach. we got on well during his course. kept in touch after his graduation. soon we realised the mutual attraction and fell into a physical relationship. though he was a virgin when we started dating, it didnt take too long for him to be the master in the bedroom. we are both loving our sexual relationship.<br />
<br />
he is 21 i am 45. i know nothing long term can happen out of this. he got his whole future ahead. i am done with having kids. he does admire me, care for me, respect me. love? i dont know. he is jealous if i am around other guys. he is protective of me. i sure see it in his face when we are together that i mean something special to him. so what is love? we both know he would have to get married some time. i cant live with him because i am still married. i cant bring him home as i dont want to give my kids the wrong impression about me.so it costs me to spend time with him over weekends.<br />
<br />
i am happy when i am around him. he cares for me. and i care for him. he does not act at all he is bothered about my age. he seems genuinely happy with me. only problem is i cant meet his friends. mostly because he wants to protect me from any gossip about me being his ex teacher. some of his friends are still my students. would be nice to go out openly.<br />
<br />
i dont have the guts to break the marriage still for fear of insecurity. my boyfriend is still a student. as much as i wold love to be with him more freely, i cant do it for several reasons. but i am happy. my boyfriend brought a lot of happiness into my bitter boring life.<br />
<br />
about my age, my boyfriend does not see it as a problem. he loves me, enjoys my company, and makes love to me as if we are the same age. but he mentions how good it would be if he could be with me for ever.<br />
<br />
i am enjoying every second of my relationship. i have been deprived of love and care for so long. i have been hurt in love. i deserve to be happy. i know i am not doing anything that would ruin my bf's future. i will be mature enough to let him go when the time comes. i am aware it will be hard. but oh well. i will enjoy my young love for the moment and be happy. he sure makes me feel younger. because of him i am motivated to look after myself and dress young. that earns me heaps of compliments.<br />
<br />
to be happy requires no excuse. if you are lucky enough to get a chance even if for a moment enjoy it. every one deserves to be happy. happiness is not always perfect. define your own happiness.

Thank you for all your post it is nice knowing I am not alone...I have been living with a younger man (8 years younger) and I have loved every minute of it. all the best to all of us!

Thank you for all your post it is nice knowing I am not alone...I have been living with a younger man (8 years younger) and I have loved every minute of it. all the best to all of us!

just reading your stories... wanted a bit of insight on how an age gap relationship could work. I started seeing 21 yo guy about 6 months ago met online. Background info :I am married 35 have 3 young children but things were over in the sex department along time ago just together for the security and the kids. <br />
<br />
At first was just about having some fun and liked having some passion back into my life. He has grown on me is quite mature funny sexy different and feels same about me.. I dont want to leave husband for new guy want to leave because its not ever going to work. Would be silly to rush into full on relationship with this new guy even if I feel strongly for him.<br />
<br />
About him... he has 2yo and had a gf at time I meet him but they were having alot of problems and she ended her life because she had severe depression stress disorder... which is very sad and made me feel guility though she knew nothing about what was going on with us. He doesnt seem too messed up by this but I am cautious about rushing into things being his replacement gf maybe...<br />
<br />
Sometimes I feel like I am in love with him... its been a while so not sure if its love or lust. We have shared alot together about our lives and see each other every day. ..We get along really well, he intrigues me makes me laugh makes me want him etc. I worry that I might start to feel too much for him and than he would change his mind and want to be with someone more his age. <br />
<br />
Oh well that is my messey complicated situation. <br />
<br />
Ps found sex wiv ym is great he likes trying new things and can go longer than 5 minutes lol

I too fell for a younger, single guy, he is 35 and I am 50...and I am married.. We have been intimate but I have not seen him for 6 months but we msn on a weekly basis. My feelings are strong and I have such desire for this guy. I don't have the same feeling for my hubby, I recently decided to stop all contact as it is affecting my marraige...I am trying to get it together~....but I am longing for him. So at odds with this.

I understand how you feel. I met my young friend through my job. I had no idea that he was crushing me and had been doing so since he was a junior in high school. Then five years ago he started texting my phone. We are both very shy people, and though we have made inuedos towards each other, it has never gone beyond that. I'm 49 and he is 24. I am married and he is engaged. <br />
<br />
We kind of flirted with each other at first, but even then, I got the impression that he wanted something more. We have never crossed the line beyond a touch here or there, but OH, the desire for more is so strong. We look forward to "playing" with each other on a daily basis. We text back and forth for hours at a time. Then last year, the texting got a little more risque'. We came very close, to consumating our relationship, but I wasn't able to take that final step. I have liked this young man now for a number of years. We see each other every day at work and on the weekends we are constantly texting each other. I think it started as a game, but has progressed to the point where feelings are involved. I know there is no us; his future is with his fiancee, I just don't want to give him up and he hasn't asked me too.

wow this seems to be a growing trend? imo u did right by trying to make it work with ur husband. I met my younger man on a war game. just started as fun. its much more serious. he says numbers dont matter but how can they not Im sayin. so Im suppose to meet him this weekend. weve been talkin for 2months online n on phone. he hasnt seen my picture. he is beautiful inside n out but Im very nervous. even tho I look good for my age after 40 theres changes u cant control. he is 32 n I am 43. Im nervous bout this difference.

Latest: doesn't matter anymore.<br />
<br />
HE started to get physical first. HE is the one who was chasing me. HE is the one who said he loved me, and would always be there for me.<br />
<br />
Instead what I got were more lies--to me, to my other friends, to my co-workers.<br />
<br />
At this point, I think all men are bastards, regardless of their age!!

As far as an update goes: my husband has apparently been cheating on me for at least six months, maybe longer, and has filed for divorce. I had decided to try to make things work in my marriage, and to only be friends with this younger man. I am wishing now I hadn't even bothered, because I feel like I have lost my chance with my 'friend', and even though I didn't know it at the time, my husband had already moved on, so there was no chance of making things work, no matter what I did. :( I don't know if I should let my friend know that I still have some feelings for him, or just let him move on...

Your story is the same as mine, my husband knows we are spliting when the kids get older but he has had a girlfriend 4 years now. Dont know why I am still here cause I want to be with my man (21 years younger) extremely bad and worry it will cause issues between us although he says hes understand. Any helpful comment appreciated her also.

I have the same problem, though I would never be able to leave my husband for this young man. There is a 19 year age difference (he's 30 and I'm 49) and he has been in a long-term relationship. I have felt this way for over three years and I can't seem to make the feelings stop. The only person I ever told about this to was my mom and unfortunately she died recently. I rarely see this young man and have gotten to know him through emails. Same story I have heard many times--he's quite mature for his age and I think we would have been a perfect match if we were closer in age and not committed elsewhere. My husband sees him more often than I do, and he has told me numerous times that this young man is very attracted to me. It's awkward. I'm really a reserved person and have never had this problem before. It's just nice being able to tell someone. My husband is a great guy and I could actually tell him, but then it would always be there. It's nice just being able to write about it.

Oh.... I forgot to say, go for the younger guy. He loves you! Plain and simple. Security is an illusion. No one can guarantee you anything. But at least you have chance to experience love and enjoy the<br />
Moment. Good luck!

OMG. I share your issue. Thought I was the only crazy. Except I am thirty and he is twenty. I am also married and am seriously very seriously considering leaving my husband for this guy. We share passion and really are very similar. I love him! My husband is a great man. GREAT, but we have no passion and I dont think we ever did. It is more friendly and brotherly. I must make a decision between the two. Very soon. I have been offered a position abroad where he is. I think I am going, but guilt of hurting my husband fears me. Plus I do love my husband, he is my best friend. I don't go to europe and I will lose the love of my life. UGH