I Am So Proud Of Her, My Dear And Beautiful Friend,

I fell in love with her over three years ago. She was my boss. It was the beginning of 2009.
Because she was my boss, I knew I was standing no chance...plus, she was a woman, and so was I...
I had been with women before but I knew she had not...anyway....there was more to the feelings I felt for her, with her....than pure attraction on a deep spiritual level...;

From the moment I saw her, I knew, she had something to hide....it touched me, attracted me, the sadness, and at the same time I knew, it was none of my business.
So I merely focussed on my job.

God, She was so talented, so inspiring, so incredibly human and so kind...to see how she interacted with other human beings, it was such a lesson for me.
Sometimes, she would be somewhere else....

Through our work, we grew very close, and I started to write to her,
it is what I do, every morning, and she loved it...so I continued...
She told me how it made her feel connected to life...
That touched me....
The writing taught me, about life...about how to handle situations at work ( This, because she would write me back with feedback)

One day, I wrote to her, one month after we met, and told her, I knew she was having an alcohol problem...My colleagues had talked to me about it, many people knew....and I could tell....even without my colleagues having informed me, by the way she would isolate herself.
I could smell it too.....Nonsense that we do not smell vodka...of course we do!!!
So I decided, to confront her and tell her, that I was aware, so she did not have to hide...she could talk to me, if she wanted to....she never did. But the door was wide open...she was not alone.
She never walked thru the door, except for once in that first summer, where she admitted her problem to me after a day of isolation, where I had been desperately trying to get a hold of her.... She told me she had been drinking all that previous day. She admitted she still had not succeeded in beating the habit, but thought she had it under control....
She shared with me, how she had been in clinics already and was going to AA meetings and therapy.
That was it, we did not speak of it further and we became very close friends.

Until one day, toward the end of that first year, where we had to talk on the phone for work, ( I worked away from the head office where she worked) and I found her, as had happened frequently recently, being not present, aggressive even...I had noticed it in her emails to me as well, she was not all right.
I confronted her....informed her boss as well, who then confronted her...You can imagine the fight we had!
The next day, apologies.

My love for her, never died....she knew about it as I had told her quite early in the process...and she had been honest with me....she loved me, as a friend, but was not in love with me....besides, she loved men.

After nine months of intense work together, I had to take a quick leave of absence from my job. To go to my own country ( I travel for my job and am on the road constantly) and sell my house, so I could continue this newly found and wonderful job!
Upon return, my dear friend, who I had stayed in contact with all the while that I was away, informed me that she was going to take a sabbatical of 7 months.
I could not imagine my work, without her....but life showed us, that at a distance and without working together....our friendship grew even closer.

I start to realize now, today, that because of the distance, I was never able to enable anything for her....it was quite amazing...I am quite thankful.
I started reading about alcoholism, studied....and at the same time, continued my life.
I wrote to her every day almost and we spoke at least every other day.

Then, she returned to work, after her sabbatical. But she could not get the hang of it anymore...after 20 years of having been at the top...she decided to quit.
I was proud of her. We had talked about the pressure of the job many times and it not having a positive effect on her.

The period after her leaving the company, was tough for her....In the meantime, I continued traveling the world and stayed in contact with her as much as possible....every day...not a day would go by, without a little message....either from her, or from me....well, perhaps two days of silence at max.

I loved her, more and more each day....butterflies at a distance, so intensely present...we were so close, writing, calling, feeling.

Then, in the spring of 2011, she kind disappeared....for more than 3 weeks I would hardly hear any sign of life...
I entered in contact with her son....it drove me crazy being so far away, not able to know where she was and if she was ok...
But then again...we were not a couple, so how far could I go, how much would she let me in?
How much should I allow myself, to get involved into this story?

Finally, I took some days off...this was last year, july 2011....and flew to go and see her.
She was so perplexed and so grateful at the same time....that she had friends...that there was someone, that did something like this for her....she expressed how terrible of a friend she was for me...how I deserved better...how she was asking for forgiving.

My standpoint was very clear; I came as a friend, not as a lover, to tell her that she had a choice to make; Either to snap out of it and chose to make something of her life...go into the clinic again, therapy, whatever she needed to do, or, to die...take some pills and do it, and either way; I would be there, to support and love her and hold her hand....but to continue like the way she was, I could not support and would not support....she was killing herself slowly and painfully...
I think she had not expected that.

I stayed three days....holding her, letting her hold me ( Oh God...this was amazing to me...) at night she let me stay with her, and I was simply deeply in love...but it did not really matter...or maybe it did, I don't know...

After that time, we made two amazing trips together, road trips...she was starting to find other jobs...and we became very close.
Was she continuing therapy? Yes...but not as frequent....I knew she wasn't doing great just yet....but being that I was always away....it was difficult to really know. One thing was for sure, she was not isolating herself anymore.

For sure, I asked myself the question sometimes; Is it right of me, to become this close to her? In this fragile moment of her life...?
But then I knew, deep down, I knew that I was not enabling her, she was also not asking for anything for me to enable her....She was so respectful of me and seemed so aware, of her situation....she taught me, and herself, intelligent as she is....in the end, we were not a couple...we were friends...

We spent this past christmas, 2011, together....with her family...she completely opened up to me and it felt like coming home...such beauty, so much love.

At the top of this year....she started sliding down again, she admitted herself into a clinic for three weeks...I went to see her for a week, a few weeks after that, and held her and she held me...and I knew, it would not be for a long time, that I would see her again. We talked for hours, 5 days in a row.

She slid hard, after this visit, and her son and I encouraged her with solutions. She admitted herself into a 6 month rehab clinic. One week ago she went. No contact to the outside world...or hardly any.

I was so proud.
I know she will come out a different person...
But the essence of her, is something I will always love.
I do not expect her to come to me,
But I will love her, unconditionally...
and I will hold her in my heart for as long as I am conscious, thankful and grateful for all this experience is teaching me,
thankful, for the beautiful and wonderful soul that came onto my path...

Alcoholism is a disease....I lost my father and my sister of cancer at a young age....
we need to support the people we love...we cannot judge them...
I know it is hard,
But I guess I was lucky,
For I was not living with her...I was just a friend, at a distance, who loved and loves her deeply.

Sometimes, I dream of a life with her....a life of love and friendship, peace and laughter....and many dogs!!!
Who knows,
we have to keep dreaming,

God has given me the chance, to meet this lady, who has taught me so much.

With love to all of you,
I press send, without reading what I wrote,
It feels as if I wrote to her,
Thank you,

I wish you strength and passion, and fate in all you do.
Believe in yourself, it is the only way, you can be there, full present, if needed and asked for.

cedanuli cedanuli
May 16, 2012