I Just Lost The Man That I Love And It Is Not My Husband...

I recently lost the man that I am truly in love with and this is not my husband. My husband and I married about 2 1/2 years ago and dated about 5 years before marriage. We were both getting out of abusive relationships when we started dating. Even though I love my husband very much, I was never truly in love with him. He proposed to me after ten months of dating.  It took us about 4 years to get married. If it wasn't for my mother in law (who I love), I still believe we would be engaged. My husband is a kind man who adores me and loves me very much but I never been truly happy with him. I have always been content but never truly happy. I figured that he is a good man and will take care of me. We also have fun together, we do not argue, we are both physically active. However, we do not communicate and he also does not make an effort in being involved with my family. I need emotional support and he does not give that to me. I tried to talk to him about this many times.  My husband will try for the first couple of days to be more emotional supportive but this is not who he is. He is content just the way we are keeping each other company; even though, I need that emotional support. My husband also is selfish but not intentionally or maliciously. His parents never demanded anything from him so he sometimes puts his needs before others, which really bothers me.

Last year, I began to develop strong feelings for a friend. He is everything that I want in a man. He is kind, gentle, understanding, selfless, loving and gives me that emotional support that I need. I could talk to him about anything. I fell madly in love with him. I sometimes felt that maybe this feeling was just the newness of the relationship so I would fight against it. I tried to convince myself that I am happily married and it is not fair what I am doing to my husband. My husband does not deserve this. My husband will never hurt me and I have to try to make my marriage work. I also feel like a failure divorcing so soon after marriage and not trying to make my marriage work. I also come from a catholic family and it is scandalized to divorce. I also had the big traditional white wedding around the same time 2 of my cousins got married. They now have 2 children and very happy and I feel like a failure if I give up on my marriage.

This past week, I broke off the relationship with my friend in the most awful way. He now shut me out. He is angry with me and he never wants to hear from me again and I don't blame him. I hurt him. I am devastated and lost. I feel that my friend was the love of my life. We had such a strong connection and I am so in love with him but he wants nothing to do with me. I tried to reach out to him and he hasn't replied. I know I lost him forever. At this point, I just want to move on. I want this hurting to stop and I don't know how to make it stop.
lonesomeandheartbroken lonesomeandheartbroken
31-35
May 6, 2012