In Torturing LoveWell my problem has been occurring for several years now and the intensity level has grown more and more. It's become hard to hide my attraction and feelings for this person. And now I am starting to feel some response back from this individual and now I am playing with the idea back and forth in my head if its really true. So here is my dilemma...
Ever since I was in elementary I knew I was different. I found myself attracted to girls and boys but my attraction to girls is much stronger. And in the 5th grade I meet the very person I would be in love with. She became one of my good friends and throughout the years of school and college my feelings grew more in depth. We both had our fair share of good and bad relationships and currently we both have boyfriends whom we have been seeing for a long time. But our relationships r rocky at this point and we go to each other for advice, to vent, or just get away.
Well now a days we r spending more time together without our boyfriends and talking about more deep topics that normally many people dont typically discuss but we trust each other 100% so there is no doubt that it would ever be repeated. But with all this going on, I am truly and madly in love with her. I daydream day in and day out about here. I find some excuse to text her just to talk to ger. I have dreams about her at night and when we r hanging out i catch myself looking at her and when i do i feel incredibly happy. And when we are apart i literally almost go nuts. I have noticed when her boyfriend is annoying her and frustrated by him.she tends to **** eyes with me and she doesn't try to turn away like some would in an awkward moment. So i keep myself in the lock. Sometimes she touches me lightly and doesn't stop right away she holds it for a bit. When her boyfriend tries to touch her she cringes and pulls away.
Never in my mind would've i thought I'd be this crazy about someone in my life but I am. And its become so fierce that its hard to bear the weight in confinement. I want to just tell her how i feel and lay it out all on the line. But my worst fear is that she will reject me and i lose a good friend. If i can't have her as my own i want her as friend because I'd rather have her than to not have her at all. Id settle for that if i had to. I'd be willing to end my relationship and change everything in order to be with her.
She's beautiful, smart, funny, caring, and full of life. We see things the same way and want similar things. We have much in common and want a happy life. I truly feel i can be the one to give her the love she deserves and be the one. But again im too freaking scared to admit it. And i don't know how much longer i can hold on like this til it blows up and comes out when i am not ready for it to. I just wish i had a sign or certainty that i wont get crushed or humiliated by others. I want to be me and to be wit her.
10 years of agony is painful and i want to be me. Secrets gone and my true colors shining bright. With love all round.