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Madness

 So, I have been married for nearly 11 years.  I have been in love with another woman for 7 of those years, and have been having an affair for most of those 7 years.  My wife and I have an 9 year old daughter together.  My "friend" has three kids with her husband.

 It started out innocently enough as I am sure most of these do, but gradually grew to a point where we are very madly in love with each other.  We have tried to stop what we are doing and we are now to the point that none of this is making us happy.  So, as of today, and this seems to change every so often, we are going to do own thing in our own marriages to get where we both want to go, which is with each other.  Talking to each other now is so painful because we are frustrated about our situations.  Clearly, we need to change something!

I am not in love with my wife, and have mostly stopped having sex with her before our daughter was born.  I think that we've had sex a total of 6 times since we've had our daughter, and no sex for about 5 years.  My wife knows of the other, but not to the degree of my involvement.  I feel like crap because of the situation and I have hidden so much from her.  My wife and I have virtually nothing in common other than our daughter at this point, although we are congenial to one another.  I know she is still with me because of our daughter, and she feels financially trapped.

I can't seem to get over the guilt part of wanting to have the life that I want because I feel like i am deserting my family.  My "friend" desperately wants to be with me, and has not been happy in her marriage before we knew each other.  I should mention that my relationship became a disaster after our daughter was born as It seemed to change my wife so much.  I became the object of much anger for some reason and was treated like an infant which just sent us into a relationship tailspin which we have never recovered from.  We havent kissed or said" I love you "since i can remember.   It's a totally loveless relationship.

My daughter is such a great part of my life as she should be.  I fear that if I get a divorce that she and her mother will move a state away and I will lose that relationship with my daughter.  I am totally fearful of divorce, but know that I will never be truly happy where I am.    I feel stuck and don't know where to turn.

sinkinghere sinkinghere 46-50 3 Responses Jul 11, 2009

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''affair'' is a terrible relationship.it is better not to start it at all.it's addictive.but i believe you can do it for the sake of your child.address the situation you have with your wife first.tell her her failures and your stand if she cannot effect change.give her time and the opportunity to make a change.afterall you did love her before you married her.you can still work it out both of you.but you need to end the affair to make it work.good luck.

I sent you a message separately as well. My story is similar with the difference being the one I love is single with no kids. Also, my wife desperately wants to make it work with me - I couldn't tell if you had the same situation. I mention it because it makes it all the more difficult knowing she loves me. It's not like she wants out too. It's so hard when you care about eveyone involved. Everyone says just tell the truth and it will all work out, but i can't do it - just picturing my son's face is enough to stop me - i hope you are ok.

I have just came across this site for the first time, I am 47 male married for 11 years, have 2 Sons, 5 and 9, but I do not love my wife, we don't have much in common. I have been having an affair, with a women who have been divorced 2 years ago. We have been having this affair for the past 6 months, and it is getting so so difficault to let go of her as we are more an more in love, I don't know if this is phase or normal period of 6 months. But I don't think our affair will or can stop anytime soon. We are thinking about getting married and have our own kid, but I know this is wrong and crazy, as I am unable, to afford the divorce, not to mention all the common friends in the city, that will look very down on us, and even more importantly, my kids, so I don't want to stop the affair, but yet I am so so emotional and lost my self, distracted at work, etc... and don't know what to do. We both like to continue this, but we are affaird we will get caught, as we have so many common friends. I just wish I had enough money to secure her and my kids, and move on to marry her, then things would be easer, but thats only a dream come true! :-( will continue to read more here, hopefully I figure this out to see how we can get our self out of this mess.
It seems like my wife maybe stonge and ok me to divorce him, but I am worried about my kids, that they will hate me . Also I can NOT see my self, telling her ever. our plan is if we ever divorce, is for me to pretend I met her AFTER my divorce!! I know I am trying to hide and lie I guess its the effect of love!

Such a pity I found this forum so late. Mattkar27, stand up dude do what is right for both of you. Stop being scared. Let me share my story. I met the most amazing woman about 10 years ago. At first we were nothing more than great friends but the sexual energy was omnipresent. About 3 years ago we started an affair and it was bliss. At the time both of us were married. She left her husband shortly after and I said I would do the same shortly. But I guess my manual got lost in the mail somewhere. I approached it completely wrong. I'm not sure of the laws where you live but in South Africa a third party can be sued for "alienation of affection" so I got so busy denying the relationship that I took my eye off the ball completely. My lawyer screwed my divorce file up, missed a few appointments and I got sucked into the "it must be signed" that I again lost sight of the important stuff. I'll try to make this story as short as possible. In the meantime we continued our relationship, I fell in love with her kids (16 and 10) and we seemed to have lifted each other so much. Unfortunately my wife also started to fight to get me back and she did it in the most insane way possible. Never knowing of the other woman (call her C) but always suspecting. The months became a year and the year three years. Me procrastinating and she growing ever more sad and dispondend. Eventually she started pushing me away and I realized that I lost the love of my life. I started fighting to get her affection back. She met another guy and is in a relationship wit him. I am hurting like crazy, I miss her and still love her like mad. Now for the first time I stood fast and started the divorce proceedings again. I fear it may be too late although she neve gives me an answer if I should try to be her back or just go awa. She says she still has feelings for me and always replies "get divorced, sort out our issues and we'll talk". She also says that in time we'll talk about a relationship again. My guess is that she is scared of getting hurt again and therefore leaves an ace up her sleeve. I have faith that there might be a chance and I'm desperately holding on to that. My divorce is in process and deep inside I hope and yearn that we would be able to start a normal relationship. I love this woman like I have never loved any other before. Yes I also had all those fears of not hurting my wife, finances and so on. But guess what it never goes away, no matter how hard you want it to. My marriage has been contend for so long, without sex, communication or doing anything together. This woman is everything I always wanted. The woman of my dreams. I would nt have started with an affair if I was completely happy in my marriage. My only regret is that I didn't have the guts to do the right thing from the start. If you love her, if she fulfills you, if she makes you feel special, get the divorce over and done with first. I hope I will not regret that I procrastinated and hope and pray that we will end up together. By the way my wife and I don't have kids and were married for almost 20 years.

I really feel for you and can relate. As your daughter grows up, she needs to see a normal loving relationship. <br />
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Before you do anything, find out what your rights are where you live. If you split ensure you get joint custody so your wife can't move your daughter without your permission.