I Love Her So Much But Its Not Returned
well i never thought id be online telling the pain inside me but what better way but to let complete strangers into your life and give you comfort and advice.
I got the girl... yay for me right i thought so after her being my best girl friend with alot of ups in downs such as the time i was so upset with her i would have slept with her best friend to get over he but i knew i loved her to much but for two years, it was two years i felt the pain that i got from her not being mine, when we first meet we were going to be the cutest couple but with my luck she could not have a boyfriend because she was afraid of commitment. thats were it all began i'm not saying i'm the best looking guy around but i had numerous opportunities to be with a few girls and have sex. but my girlfriend has made her up he mind she wants to wait till marriage to have sex, i can respect that but that doesn't mean we cant foul around right but yet she still pushes my hands away when ever i get close to anything.. anyway .... i couldn't bring my self to get involved with anyone because something in the back of my head said she has always liked you and you two are meant to be. and guess what i was right but just in time for me to get over her she explained how she liked me and i went with it. So now after 5 months were are together, i love her so much it hurts in side, but i'm her first boyfriend and she has explained to me that she is not emotionally ready to love me when i heard that it felt like my heart stopped beating for a second and she's sorry but being her first boy friend she doesn't understand all the time the things girlfriends do and things in that such i know im not the best boyfriend in the world and i dont know why she puts up with me half the time . sometimes i get in these moods because i care for her so much and dont know what to do to make her happy and just shut down but yeah that also put sher into a mood funny how things work well i understand that and i'm trying step by step to help her learn those things. we are seniors in high school and i know she has no intentions of wanting to marry me. So now that i am ok with all this or at least telling my self i am i have decided i guess the best way to get away from all this and join the U.S. Marine Corp and not look back the only thing that is important to me is her happiness and if that means that i need to leave her i dont think shed take it as hard as me, but if that will help make her to be happy then thats what i will do, i could never ask her to wait for me after the military so there is not much to talk about there, the only thing i am afraid of is she will realize she will love me and it will be to late. the thing i think that pains me the most is i don't want to die with out someone loving me. i'm am not afraid to die but to have died with out being loved, i'm not saying i will die in the marines but there is always that chance. and i have come to ease with the fact that i am her tester boyfriend and thats all i will ever be. i wanted her to tell me "i loved you" so bad but when i thought about it that was just so silly i think i just didnt want her to ever forget me. i realized that she will never love me and it was selfish of me to expect her to love me back you cant control peoples feelings for you .
this is life.
* but to the boy who is the first one she loves you will truly be the luckiest guy in the world. i do not envy you but i will in fact congratulate you and your life will be forever changed and you will love every second of it as do i right now
......................i love you M.B.