Love Not Returned Yet Again.It's really depressing for the second time around, I feel it is much worse. Falling inlove again and not having that love in return. I almost want to give up on love. Why do I always fall into the trap. Here I am again, would do anything and everything for the love I have for my other best friend, AGAIN.
Worse is, she opened up and said that she has gay feelings too but not for me, for a mutual friend. GREAT. Ofcourse I'm all supportive. I love her and would do anything and give up everything just to make her happy. That entails giving up my own feelings for her. She tells me literally everything. She's actually secretly dating 'her' now. I don't hate our mutual friend I adore her too. I just find it unfair that they are happy in each others arms even if it's a secret. While I still struggling with my own sexuality, broken hearted, suffering from unrequited love. I don't know. I almost want to give up on love. Why can't I find someone that I love and will love me in return? Gosh I'm rabbling. But I swear history repeats itself. I'm bound for bad luck. I hate that I care so much, I hate that I can't even hate. I want to be distant but I can't. We work together I'm actually her bestfriend/consultant/boss. This is insane. I almost want to be broken hearted again with someone else just so that I can be numb. Why do I always end up in this same spot? Am I not deserving of true love?
I am screaming in my head, I almost just wanna pound myself so hard so that I can forget all these feelings inside of me. It's so sad that I have so many friends and yet I can't share all of these feelings. My bestfriend who I fell inlove with before also is supportive, is there but she won't understand all of this crap she's straight as a rod and she's also supportive of my now "love of my life" with her dating this other mutual friend.
I swear just writing this kills me. I really don't have anyone esle to talk to because I talk to both of them about everything. But my inner feelings I can't. Because I already told them and they've rejected me.
I hate this feeling and the worse part is I'm stuck. I'm still madly inlove with her. Perfection doesn't exist but she is closest to perfection.
I want to go away. I want new friends. I want to be surrounded by people who I can just set myself free. It's so hard in the environment that I am in. I wish I was younger, back in school with the whole "free spirit, get wild and crazy" is acceptable!
I have to admit I am very lonely, sad, mad, depressed, crazy inlove, I don't even know. I swear I need some kind of salvation.
I'm always the one in charge. I take care of everything and everyone, I was once labelled "Hostess with the motest" but it's really getting me, How about me?!? Does anyone genuinely care for me? for my heart?? For my love? It makes me wonder, I love these women I love them so much, I wonder if they even have some kind of slight feeling for me. I swear even just that, I want. A little bit, just a tiny bit. It'll make me feel ok at least.
I need to stop, crying like a river now =(