I Am In Love With My Best Friend
We all make mistakes. Somehow or another I suppose we are to learn from them. I don’t think I have learned a thing from this one. In fact the only thing I have gotten out of this now is NOTHING.
It was '91/'92. I was in 7th grade and he was an 8th grader. From the moment I met him, I somehow knew that he would be a big part of my life. I spent the rest of my Jr. High career trying to get him to be my boyfriend. Pathetic now that I look back on it...but in between we became very close. He moved on to high school and would visit the Jr. High after school every day. I remember we talked on the phone for hours every day. (He originally said he did not like talking on the phone... HA!) By the time I was a freshman he was my best friend and I truly loved him with all my heart. We eventually started dating. It was on and off continuously throughout high school. I was in love and he told me that he was also. That scared him though. This caused him to push me away a lot. Maybe I was crazy but I just could not give up on him. So I stuck around only to be hurt over and over; to be let in and then shoved out. I was told “I love you" and then "This isn't working”. When I was not a part of his group of friends, a couple of them encouraged him to break up with me. One went so far as to blatantly try and set him up with a new girl at our school who she had become friends with. She would ask him if he could give this girl rides home daily knowing that we were together and I would also be in the car. That ended up being the end of our relationship. He was a year ahead of me, I had asked him to go to prom with me. He said that he was not going to prom at all , it was stupid. A couple weeks before prom I found out he was taking the new girl. Keep in mind even in between break-ups we were friends....I did not have the guts nor the heart to let him go completely. I was devastated. So he graduated and his mother was in the military. She was being stationed in another state far away. So I was lucky that he managed to make time for me the night before he was moving away. Although he always insisted I was important, that our friendship meant everything to him, I always felt second rate to his other friends. He spent most of the time he had left with them. I got a few hours. I felt like I was dying inside. Again, was I blind?
It was about a year and a half later ('97). I had heard nothing from him. Promises to write and call were not kept. I had no idea where he was or what he was doing. I still thought of him every day. There were nights that I cried myself to sleep wondering if I would ever hear from him again. My life was not good. I had a rough home life. I had just been in a car accident that could have killed me had my window not been rolled down. It was December and an oddly warm day. My best friend was supposed to be getting a ride home with me but she decided to stay at school and work on the musical she was in. She would have died had she been in the car. Someone was watching over us, I am sure of it. Needless to say I was a wreck after that. I was terrified to drive. I was in a bad place.
Two weeks after my accident I was home by myself one night and actually doing homework, HAHA! The phone rang. When I answered it and said hello I never expected the voice on the other end. It was him. The emotion that came over me was unbelievable. We talked for a long time he told me what had happened in his life and I told him what had happened in mine. He was what I needed just at that time. His year had not been the best either. After that I received a few letters. I found out things about when he left that I would rather not have known; things that hurt me tremendously. We again began talking a regular basis and he flew home for my high school graduation. (A couple of his friends were also graduating) We made plans for me to fly back with him after and I would visit for a week.
It was just me and he and I loved it. We discussed our futures and marriage and all kinds of things. All I wanted was for him to tell me he wanted me to stay. I wanted to stay. He did not want me to stay just for him. Again his fears surfaced. Instead of taking a stand and saying “I am staying" I tucked my tail between my legs. It made me feel like he did not want me to stay. So after a week I went back home… Heartbroken… This is what I have regretted for a lifetime now. The first mistake I made. I tried to keep it together but eventually it fell apart again. We would go long periods of time without talking. Then out of the blue I would hear from him, or I would call him. It was always when we needed each other most. After having this happen so many times I began to see that maybe I was not crazy. I believe that we all have soul mates. He is my soul mate. I say "is" because I don't believe that goes away.
This went on for years. (2003) He eventually joined the military. He had two children and was about to leave for Germany. He married the mother of his children and was on his way home to visit before he left the country. I had moved 4 hours away but was not going to pass up the opportunity to see him... it had already been too long! I was dating someone. It was a new relationship after being in an abusive one. It was not serious at this point. When I saw him that night after meeting up with him I did not want to let go of him. It felt great to be in his arms. I still loved him. We ended up sitting in the car in a park that night. Things happened and I stopped it. I could not go there. I could not take those risks. I mean what risks was I supposed to take? He was married! He was leaving for Germany! I guess I somehow see this as my second mistake. You see, we never ... everything but that. Again, he was gone. We kept in touch here and there.
So here we are in 2011. I am married. He divorced and married again. We both have children. When you are forced to move on...that's what you do, you can't sit around and wait for your whole life. For the last 2-3 years we have probably talked almost every day through text or online. I have been honest from day one with my husband. Maybe some might find this odd but I feel that hiding my feelings would be even worse. My husband is wonderful and I love him for accepting me for who I am, all things attached. He knows everything and still he is here with me. I have always loved my best friend and I will die loving him. We can talk for hours about anything and nothing at all. I will not lie; things have always been pretty intimate. He, of course, was not so honest with his wife. Here within lies my final mistake. I am not the only one to blame here though. She knew about me, but I do not believe she had the first clue really about who I was. I was his friend, until she saw some messages. The last I talked to him was the end of March. I do not blame her. This is her husband, her family. I am a guilty party. I do not deny my part. Anything physical was impossible as we live across the country from one another, but, this is still a betrayal for his wife. So here I am now…I have been shut out completely. Blocked from his phone, his FB everything…I cannot say I do not understand this. That would make me an idiot. I will say that this makes me feel like the last 20 years have been all for nothing. I feel like no matter how many times he told me that our friendship meant the world to him, it was nothing in the end. Although I know why I need to be tossed aside at this point, I am so hurt. I miss my friend. A piece of me is gone. There is nothing I can do about it except move on again and hope that eventually I will hear from him again.
It was '91/'92. I was in 7th grade and he was an 8th grader. From the moment I met him, I somehow knew that he would be a big part of my life. I spent the rest of my Jr. High career trying to get him to be my boyfriend. Pathetic now that I look back on it...but in between we became very close. He moved on to high school and would visit the Jr. High after school every day. I remember we talked on the phone for hours every day. (He originally said he did not like talking on the phone... HA!) By the time I was a freshman he was my best friend and I truly loved him with all my heart. We eventually started dating. It was on and off continuously throughout high school. I was in love and he told me that he was also. That scared him though. This caused him to push me away a lot. Maybe I was crazy but I just could not give up on him. So I stuck around only to be hurt over and over; to be let in and then shoved out. I was told “I love you" and then "This isn't working”. When I was not a part of his group of friends, a couple of them encouraged him to break up with me. One went so far as to blatantly try and set him up with a new girl at our school who she had become friends with. She would ask him if he could give this girl rides home daily knowing that we were together and I would also be in the car. That ended up being the end of our relationship. He was a year ahead of me, I had asked him to go to prom with me. He said that he was not going to prom at all , it was stupid. A couple weeks before prom I found out he was taking the new girl. Keep in mind even in between break-ups we were friends....I did not have the guts nor the heart to let him go completely. I was devastated. So he graduated and his mother was in the military. She was being stationed in another state far away. So I was lucky that he managed to make time for me the night before he was moving away. Although he always insisted I was important, that our friendship meant everything to him, I always felt second rate to his other friends. He spent most of the time he had left with them. I got a few hours. I felt like I was dying inside. Again, was I blind?
It was about a year and a half later ('97). I had heard nothing from him. Promises to write and call were not kept. I had no idea where he was or what he was doing. I still thought of him every day. There were nights that I cried myself to sleep wondering if I would ever hear from him again. My life was not good. I had a rough home life. I had just been in a car accident that could have killed me had my window not been rolled down. It was December and an oddly warm day. My best friend was supposed to be getting a ride home with me but she decided to stay at school and work on the musical she was in. She would have died had she been in the car. Someone was watching over us, I am sure of it. Needless to say I was a wreck after that. I was terrified to drive. I was in a bad place.
Two weeks after my accident I was home by myself one night and actually doing homework, HAHA! The phone rang. When I answered it and said hello I never expected the voice on the other end. It was him. The emotion that came over me was unbelievable. We talked for a long time he told me what had happened in his life and I told him what had happened in mine. He was what I needed just at that time. His year had not been the best either. After that I received a few letters. I found out things about when he left that I would rather not have known; things that hurt me tremendously. We again began talking a regular basis and he flew home for my high school graduation. (A couple of his friends were also graduating) We made plans for me to fly back with him after and I would visit for a week.
It was just me and he and I loved it. We discussed our futures and marriage and all kinds of things. All I wanted was for him to tell me he wanted me to stay. I wanted to stay. He did not want me to stay just for him. Again his fears surfaced. Instead of taking a stand and saying “I am staying" I tucked my tail between my legs. It made me feel like he did not want me to stay. So after a week I went back home… Heartbroken… This is what I have regretted for a lifetime now. The first mistake I made. I tried to keep it together but eventually it fell apart again. We would go long periods of time without talking. Then out of the blue I would hear from him, or I would call him. It was always when we needed each other most. After having this happen so many times I began to see that maybe I was not crazy. I believe that we all have soul mates. He is my soul mate. I say "is" because I don't believe that goes away.
This went on for years. (2003) He eventually joined the military. He had two children and was about to leave for Germany. He married the mother of his children and was on his way home to visit before he left the country. I had moved 4 hours away but was not going to pass up the opportunity to see him... it had already been too long! I was dating someone. It was a new relationship after being in an abusive one. It was not serious at this point. When I saw him that night after meeting up with him I did not want to let go of him. It felt great to be in his arms. I still loved him. We ended up sitting in the car in a park that night. Things happened and I stopped it. I could not go there. I could not take those risks. I mean what risks was I supposed to take? He was married! He was leaving for Germany! I guess I somehow see this as my second mistake. You see, we never ... everything but that. Again, he was gone. We kept in touch here and there.
So here we are in 2011. I am married. He divorced and married again. We both have children. When you are forced to move on...that's what you do, you can't sit around and wait for your whole life. For the last 2-3 years we have probably talked almost every day through text or online. I have been honest from day one with my husband. Maybe some might find this odd but I feel that hiding my feelings would be even worse. My husband is wonderful and I love him for accepting me for who I am, all things attached. He knows everything and still he is here with me. I have always loved my best friend and I will die loving him. We can talk for hours about anything and nothing at all. I will not lie; things have always been pretty intimate. He, of course, was not so honest with his wife. Here within lies my final mistake. I am not the only one to blame here though. She knew about me, but I do not believe she had the first clue really about who I was. I was his friend, until she saw some messages. The last I talked to him was the end of March. I do not blame her. This is her husband, her family. I am a guilty party. I do not deny my part. Anything physical was impossible as we live across the country from one another, but, this is still a betrayal for his wife. So here I am now…I have been shut out completely. Blocked from his phone, his FB everything…I cannot say I do not understand this. That would make me an idiot. I will say that this makes me feel like the last 20 years have been all for nothing. I feel like no matter how many times he told me that our friendship meant the world to him, it was nothing in the end. Although I know why I need to be tossed aside at this point, I am so hurt. I miss my friend. A piece of me is gone. There is nothing I can do about it except move on again and hope that eventually I will hear from him again.
By:
LelainaTroy
Age:
31-35
,
Female
