I Can Never Tell Her That I Love HerSince kindergarten, I have always known that I was different from other girls. At school, when my friends would think some guy was cute, I would agree that he was good-looking. But I knew I didn't feel how they felt about him. So whenever this happened, I would carry on the charade that I too thought he was attractive.
For years, I pretended. For years, I played a role. Sometimes, I would forget I was playing a role, and do, say or wear something normal girls would not. And some of my classmates would ask me: "Are you a lesbian?". I would play it off as a joke, but inside I was scared to death that they wouldn't believe my lie. Because people questioned me, I have learned to hide it even better. Now I dress like a fashion model. And I put effort into my hair and make-up. Now no one would suspect that I was a lesbian. "She could never be a lesbian. She dresses so nicely." Sadly, this is because people stereotype lesbians as dressing boyishly, and having short hair cuts. Honestly, sometimes I want to dress like a guy, and sometimes I wish I had a boy cut. Sometimes, I even wish I was a guy. That way, I could love women and not be judged or ostrasized. That way, I would seem normal. At least, the normal that society wants me to be.
But loving girls feels normal and natural to me. What's not natural is feeling like I have to hide a part of my identity from everyone. Hiding a very important part of me. i don't know If i can do it any more.
My situation gets worse because i have fallen in love with my best friend, who is undoubtedly beautiful. She always has guys following her around. To tell the truth, we both do. But I'm not into guys. As much as a try, I cannot be fully attracted to them. Whenever she and I hang out, even when we are with other friends, or guy friends for that matter, I only have have eyes for her. I truly adore her, for her personality and her intelligence.
I have thought about telling her a was a lesbian, but I know that her perception of me would change, probably for the worse. I fear that she would not accept me. If I told her, eventually, she would ask if I ever thought of her in a romantic way. Would I lie to her again, as I have lied to everyone about my sexuality? Would I confess that I loved her? Should I just be content with our current friendship? Well, for years, I have been happy with just being best friends with her. But it's getting increasingly difficult for me to hold back my feelings. My feelings for her are intensifying and my situation gets worse, because she says she's in love with this boy (let's call him Ryan) from school. She thinks Ryan is "sooooo cute", and that she is lucky he's even interested in her. And she does not hesitate to tell me, her best friend, every exact detail about how she feels about him. She even called me last night, crying over him. She was not crying because she was sad. She was crying tears of joy. "I don't think I've ever cried from happiness!" she told me..... This broke my heart. First of all, I have never EVER seen her cry. She used to claim that she could not produce tears. Now she's crying? tears of joy?
I know I should be happy for her. And I'm really trying to feel happy for her, believe me, I'm trying. But I just can't. All I feel is sadness. A deep depression because I'm not the one making her that happy. I regret having these feelings, but I can't control them. I can only suppress them. And that is what I will do. For the rest of my life I will suppress each and every "abnormal" feeling. I will suppress them because, otherwise who would I tell? I can't tell anyone I know for fear of losing the people I love the most. And I definitely can't lose my best friend.