Whenever I mention you now, I call you either an old best friend or, to a friend, a very deep former crush. I know that if I said I was in love with you, I'd get eye rolls--not by my two high school friends (one just had a baby and the other understands completely) but from my multiple adult friends. My "uncle" would ask me to describe how I feel towards you and then probably dismiss it. I've never been one to believe love in high school was real, no matter how many chick flicks I read, so you can imagine I was not thrilled when I realized it was just that.

It's a powerful and scary feeling when you care about a person that much. It scared the **** out of me. I'm very protective of those I love--you have no idea how many people I wanted to punch in the face for you, everyone from one of your exgirlfriends to your dad who puts too much pressure on you. I was a wreck when someone hurt you, both literally and figuratively. It caused a havoc on my heart and I've been known to be a nervous wreck at times.

The wanting you to be happy no matter what part came a little bit after those other powerful feelings did. Of course, it started with you just smiling at me that started it all and the little things added up until those scary feelings came and then I realized I was in over my head.

I look at you and sometimes I still get that paing of longing because I miss you--the one who stood up for me, the you who encouraged me, the one who demanded I tell you who I like so you could tell me if they were like you or not (a manwhore or not a manwhore). I don't miss the wall that was built up and caused you to be uncaring. Most of all, I just miss being around you. There were times when you didn't deserve me and vice versa. I'm sure your best friend just makes jokes about me when he sees me and I just stare over at you. In a lot of ways, I still crave your approval, but I've changed so much since we last spoke in August. I always knew you'd never feel the same way about me so I don't regret the fact that I fell so hard because it was worth it.

I just hope I can feel how I felt about you with someone else--someone who will feel the same way and who deserves me.
Lilliesforme Lilliesforme
18-21, F
May 13, 2012