The Words Won't Come Out.

I've known one of my best friends for nearly 10 years. I met him the very first day I was in choir, three days into my freshman year in high school. I still haven't forgotten the first words he ever said to me.

Our personalities clashed a little at first, but eventually we grew to become friends. It was a slow process all the way around. I knew he was special when a classmate said something snide to me that made me cry. My best friend saw this and, unfortunately for the commenter, was holding the guy's $100 sunglasses at the time. Upon seeing me cry, he opened the window of the moving bus we were on and threw the glasses out the window. His slightly-too-innocent "Oops!" melted me.

Thing is, the reason that person had made a snide comment to me was because I was fat. I've always been a heavy girl. I've gotten heavier over the years, as I've been through marriage, had a child, and am now getting a divorce. I got to a point where I didn't take very good care of myself. I'm trying to fix that now, and lose weight.

I think my best friend DOES hold physical attraction as an important thing, and finds a slim body attractive - every girl he's ever dated, while also possessing of brains and a good personality, has had a nice body. I've never had that, and I think that might be why there never seemed to be a chance for us.

I'd do anything if that would change. I've got so much love for him that it's sometimes hard to put it into words. I want him to be happy - that's one of the only things I've ever wanted in life. I've seen him through hard times, I've watched most of his other friends turn their backs on him, I've watched him endure his father's death, I've been there through a lot. When he hurts, I hurt. When he's excited, I'm excited. We've got so much in common and have seen so much of life together that it would feel . . . right. Being with him would make more sense than anything I could dream of.

But I'm scared. He's always taken, and when he wasn't taken, I was. Circumstances were never right. He's in a relationship even as I speak, and while I want so badly to get this out, I couldn't. He's happy. I have no right to barge into that and lay something that complicated at his feet. Besides that, I'm almost sure what the answer would be. While it would take a weight off my shoulders to finally get my feelings into the open, it would also crush me to know there would never be a chance.

I just wish there was some way he could SEE the state of my head and how much I adore him. I wish looks didn't have to matter so much. If all he'd ever wanted was to be loved unconditionally, he'd need look no further than me. I doubt that would be enough, though.
MissIscariot MissIscariot
22-25, F
2 Responses Jun 10, 2007

I t was like reading my story word for word. Same issues, same amount of years, just that he is usually single and I am always single, casue no other guys work for me Sigh,

It sounds like you aren't to happy about how you look either. You said you felt like you weren't taking care of yourself. Spend a little time on you, and wait until you feel confident in yourself and how you look, and then see if anything can happen with your best friend. Then, if it turns out he wants to remain friends, it won't be so crushing because you'll still feel confident you are a catch.