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It Just Happens This Way.

It just seemed to happen.  I don't know the moment I realized that I'm in love with my best friend, but I am.  I wish I wasn't and I wish I could be open to him about it.  But I'm afraid that I'll lose the friendship which will be forever more important than a "relationship".  If I knew for sure we could be in in love and in a relationship and retain our friendship, I would go for it.  I think we can, but who would want to be wrong in this situation.

Here's more about us:
I feel guilty admitting it, but the only reason he ("Anthony") became my best friend a mere year ago was the fact that my old best friend (who is still a friend) started dating someone, and, well, you know the rest.  So, Anthony was a replacement, but he turned into a better friend than the old best friend could possibly be.  Here's our history:
We've known each other since we started kindergarten and have always been friends, but nothing more than hanging out at recess or going to a friend's house.  As time moved on we became closer friends, but nothing too close.  In the summer of our junior year, I started hanging out with his younger brother ("David") and what's more started seeing Anthony more often.  And somehow we became inseparable.  We both love art (he's an artist, I'm a lover of the arts), riding in cars, camping, the night sky, poetry, youtube, jazz and playing music.  He's sensitive, loyal, passionate and frustratingly lovely.  His family loves me.  He has three younger brothers that I have good relationships with.  His parents are always happy to see me.  His mother cried the last time I saw her before I left for college.  Sometimes I think the reason I'm in love with him is his family.  But I love him in a way that is from his family.
I don't know what more to say than I've never felt this way about anyone.  We have this journal that we mail back and forth to each other while we're away at school (he goes to school in Maine and I'm in Washington, DC).  I think I'm going to write everything I feel before we go back to school and give it back to him when I'm safe on a plane.  That way we can work it out long distance.

Update 9.13.07: About a month ago, I told him how I feel.  He feels the same maybe even stronger, but doesn't want to be in a relationship... yet. But he doesn't know when.  What the hell am I supposed to do now?
BadLemon BadLemon 22-25, F Jul 15, 2007

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