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My Secret

i am 22 in college. I met my bestfriend in college. We are definitely each others bestfriend. I can go on explaining how we became so close but the point is we are. People tease us that we should get married and when they do deep inside I tell myself "I wish". Something happened to me that I can't really explain. I was always attracted to male and female but I never felt the way I am feeling right now. What I am trying to say by attraction, I always admired men and even women but never thought of as sexual partners or anywhere near that. But when it comes to my bestfriend I see future like if we could marry, I would want to spend the rest of my life with her, that's how complicated my situation is.

 I don't think I am gay or bisexual but now I may be having second thoughts. I am confused for I am inlove with my bestfriend, I'll call her "X". It is important for me to hide my identity. Everyone knows me as this straight female living a normal life from a good family background etc. To be honest, there are plenty of guys trying to get with me, I have a lot of admirers etc. A lot of my female peers envy that about me, they also envy the way I look, my appearance, my everything, but what they don't know is that I have this deep, dark secret. Behind the beautiful face they see, this physical body they adore, is someone they would never expect me to be. I am afraid if anyone finds out my life will be over.

I am serious when I say I am inlove, I mean nowadays what is love right? but to me, I really believe that what I have for X is not just simple friendly love but it is deeper than that. When I don't talk or see her I miss her all the time, I wonder what she's doing and I go crazy without anyone noticing that ofcourse. I have no one to talk to about this feeling most especially I can't tell X how I feel. I don't keep anything from X but this is one thing and the only thing I keep from her and it is killing me but I am trying to protect myself. I know iit is a little selfish not only to her but mainly for myself because I am hiding all these feelings, but what can I do? I am not ready to risk everything and I do not think I'll ever be ready. I hate that I keep something from her. Recently she can tell that something is bothering me. She confronted me about this, but I cheated my way around to make it seem otherwise. She knows me so well that even if I try to hide my feelings it leaks. But I am sure though that she really has no idea what really is bothering me. But I can never tell her. It would ruin our friendship, it would ruin my friendship with everyone else, it would ruin my family, it would ruin everything.

I love her, I really do and it makes me cry at night especially to think that we can never be. When I found this site, I got a little happy because atleast I can release this burden somewhere. And that's what I'm trying to do right now. But I really love her. Maybe if there ever really is another lifetime. Then maybe we can happen. But for now this is just and will always be a little secret I have.
confusion confusion 26-30, F 13 Responses Feb 12, 2007

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I totally get how you feel......I am also in love with my best friend....my story is different in that she does know and she feels the same......however, we are both married......<br />
same idea with friends and family though.......no one would ever expect that I am in love with her.....it is so hard to push through each day knowing that I am so in love with her but I cant be with her

hello adnama36,<br />
<br />
you see you should not let the situation make worse of you two. in my case, yes it was hard in the beginning especially because at the same time i told her about my feelings, she was already dating the same boyfriend she's with now. i'm still inlove with X even though when i told her about my confusion i told her i was already over her. she told me she doesn't feel the same way. it was my defense mechanism to say i've moved on. it's simply called love. and i love her so i'm setting her free and her happiness is with her boyfriend. we're still each others' bestfriend even though it felt like we were in a way drifting apart, that's because i had to share her with her boyfriend which gave us less time for each other. i was also trying to be distant so that i can really move on.<br />
<br />
in your case, it seems like there's a chance between you two, if her reason not to be with you is fear of losing you then why are you guys having such a hard time keeping a strong bond together? i suggest you have a talk. a serious talk about you two. this is something you two can easily resolve. start of by stating how you really feel, like you feel that you two are drifting apart, and ask that you want to savage your friendship. anything that is real talk is better than you wondering what has become of you two =) don't be shy with your bestfriend, she is your bestfriend for a reason =) and if i were you two, i say you should go for it. i mean just go with the flow and see from there, worse case the relationship won't work but if you're truly each others' bestfriend, if it doesn't work out i am certain you'd still be there for each other.

Hi confusion! I am in essentially the same position you are/were. I recently told my friend how I feel, and while she admitted to having feelings for me, she didn't want to pursue a relationship with me for fear of losing our friendship. Unfortunatley, we are now having trouble being "normal" with each other, and I feel like we are drifting apart. Did you and X go through a tough time in your friendship after you told her? Are you still friends? How did you make it work?

thanks cal77 =) wow i haven't been on this thing for quite sometime..i'm so jetlagged i just got back from an 8-month super vacation in the philippines =) <br />
<br />
"I can’t believe we can feel such intense feelings for someone that becomes so close to you, and they don’t feel any of the same electricity that has been electrocuting you for most of the course of your relationship." <br />
- i know right =) but apparently to some, sexuality isn't fluid and we just have to accept and respect that just like i believe sexuality is fluid and so on and so forth yet many still don't believe so, i guess it's the whole agree to disagree kinda thing =)<br />
<br />
what's your story?

Confusion – I can relate to your story. I can’t believe we can feel such intense feelings for someone that becomes so close to you, and they don’t feel any of the same electricity that has been electrocuting you for most of the course of your relationship. My heart goes out to you, and I wish and hope there is comfort in the near future for you.

Hi! You may find this interesting.<br />
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Please pass this on... it can be helpful to someone <br />
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Figuring IT Out by NSB - A lesbian's Coming Out Story. <br />
<br />
This books has been rated with 4.6 out of 5 in Amazon. <br />
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This book will help your friends know that they are not alone; that they are not different; that what they are feeling is normal... <br />
<br />
From the author herself: <br />
"I started this project to share my experience with the hope that it will make others feel less alone and more understood, and to inspire empathy in those who have not had the experience themselves." -- NSB

i told X. as expected though i was a little hopeful that she'd reciprocate but she doesn't feel the same way =(<br />
but good thing is, she accepts me and we're still each others' bestfriend. i still get jealous especially being around her and her boyfriend but i know where to place myself. i know i love her and that is why i want the best for her even if the "best" for her would never be me.<br />
<br />
bad thing i'm still confused and she's the only one that knows and a gay friend of mine, just two people. <br />
<br />
but i can honestly tell myself, i was once truly and madly inlove. that i really experienced how to love. love truly is unconditional. love is even if from a distance, you can still feel it. love is even if you'll never have the person you continue to wish the person's happiness always. love is bittersweet.

confusion...wow. i totally understand where you're coming from. truth be told, i got goosebumps when I read your story. That's exactly my problem too, I have no one to talk to (especially my best friend) because I have to protect everyone. How have u been coping with it? Have you gotten any advice? Because I'm so lost too. I really need help with my own "little secret". <br />
Thank u so much for the story.

confusion...wow. i totally understand where you're coming from. truth be told, i got goosebumps when I read your story. That's exactly my problem too, I have no one to talk to (especially my best friend) because I have to protect everyone. How have u been coping with it? Have you gotten any advice? Because I'm so lost too. I really need help with my own "little secret". <br />
Thank u so much for the story.

powerful story. sad, yet hopeful somehow. your love sounds real, and that is always a beautiful thing. i hope you find your way.<br />
<br />
i don't have any good advice for you. one thing i would say, is maybe try breaking one big secret at a time. really, you have two secrets. one is that you may be bi or gay. the other is that you are in love with her. maybe you could tell her first about what you have been figuring out about your sexuality? you may learn a lot about her from that conversation.

I think you should just slowly drop hints of your feelings...try to be slightly more physical to see if she responds in a positive way. Back massage, little kisses on the cheek and neck etc. Harmless but very good for sending signals and then withdrawing if the response is not good.

oh my gosh...this is the saddest story I've ever heard. There should be a book or something written about it. I have no advice. I wouldn't be you for all the money in the world. I hope everything works out for you. I really do. Love not returned is the worst feeling in the world. So I hope she shares your feelings. I would love to know how this ends up. Please keep in touch. And take care...

Everybody has their secrets and getting things out is a great way for self healing. This might be the biggest obstacle in your life that you will have to overcome. Also try and stay away from drinking too much so you don't say something you regret. I am always here to listen if you want to get all your troubles regarding the situation off your chest. Take care!!!