My Secreti am 22 in college. I met my bestfriend in college. We are definitely each others bestfriend. I can go on explaining how we became so close but the point is we are. People tease us that we should get married and when they do deep inside I tell myself "I wish". Something happened to me that I can't really explain. I was always attracted to male and female but I never felt the way I am feeling right now. What I am trying to say by attraction, I always admired men and even women but never thought of as sexual partners or anywhere near that. But when it comes to my bestfriend I see future like if we could marry, I would want to spend the rest of my life with her, that's how complicated my situation is.
I don't think I am gay or bisexual but now I may be having second thoughts. I am confused for I am inlove with my bestfriend, I'll call her "X". It is important for me to hide my identity. Everyone knows me as this straight female living a normal life from a good family background etc. To be honest, there are plenty of guys trying to get with me, I have a lot of admirers etc. A lot of my female peers envy that about me, they also envy the way I look, my appearance, my everything, but what they don't know is that I have this deep, dark secret. Behind the beautiful face they see, this physical body they adore, is someone they would never expect me to be. I am afraid if anyone finds out my life will be over.
I am serious when I say I am inlove, I mean nowadays what is love right? but to me, I really believe that what I have for X is not just simple friendly love but it is deeper than that. When I don't talk or see her I miss her all the time, I wonder what she's doing and I go crazy without anyone noticing that ofcourse. I have no one to talk to about this feeling most especially I can't tell X how I feel. I don't keep anything from X but this is one thing and the only thing I keep from her and it is killing me but I am trying to protect myself. I know iit is a little selfish not only to her but mainly for myself because I am hiding all these feelings, but what can I do? I am not ready to risk everything and I do not think I'll ever be ready. I hate that I keep something from her. Recently she can tell that something is bothering me. She confronted me about this, but I cheated my way around to make it seem otherwise. She knows me so well that even if I try to hide my feelings it leaks. But I am sure though that she really has no idea what really is bothering me. But I can never tell her. It would ruin our friendship, it would ruin my friendship with everyone else, it would ruin my family, it would ruin everything.
I love her, I really do and it makes me cry at night especially to think that we can never be. When I found this site, I got a little happy because atleast I can release this burden somewhere. And that's what I'm trying to do right now. But I really love her. Maybe if there ever really is another lifetime. Then maybe we can happen. But for now this is just and will always be a little secret I have.
confusion 26-30, F 13 Responses 3 Feb 12, 2007