I Am Falling For My Friend, But I Got Married Last Year

Over the past few weeks, I have been thinking increasingly about one of my best guy friends.  My realization started with a dream.  In the dream, I was cuddling him.  No sex or even sexual feelings really (in the dream at least), just a lot of affection.  When I woke up I thought a lot about it.  I felt bad for having had the dream, and convinced myself it was just a dream that didn't mean anything.  He came over later that night with several other friends to hang out for the afternoon with my husband and me.  I congratulated myself for not acting weird. 

Since then, I've thought of him some, mainly just realizing that I really care about him.

Then, this past week, I spent a lot of time with him because we were both at a conference.  We talked a lot, got to know each other more.  I thought a lot about my husband and our incompatibilities.  I thought about my friend and how compatible our life trajectories and outlook are.  By the way, nothing happened.  And by the way, my friend has a lt girlfriend.  We talked about my relationship, we talked about his.  Both have some serious issues. 

Anyhow, I know it is seriously wrong, but I think I might be falling in love with him.  I can't really help my feelings.  What I can help is what I do about it, and I'm not sure what the right thing is.  If both my friend and I feel that we could be happy together (and I don't actually know how he feels, but I got some vibes), maybe the right thing is to be together?  We'd only be hurting our partners by staying with them even though we are into someone else.  At the same time, I know how incredibly painful this would be for my husband.  It's complicated.  I don't know right now how much I'm thinking too much about something that could be less than it really is.  I don't know for sure how he feels.  Right now his girlfriend is with him visiting his family.  In a few days she goes back to the other side of the world where she lives most of the year for her work. 



iateabugtoo iateabugtoo
6 Responses Aug 15, 2008

hi,<br />
<br />
I think the last few comments highlight the crux of this dilemma that has evolved out of discontent within the existing relationship and the comfort found in a friendship - neither intentional acts to end a marriage but ones that may combine to. The difference between the two relationships is being described as loving someone, that you have shared the intimacy of marriage with - something that may be lifelong even if the marriage is dissolved , and being 'in love' with someone which is an entirely different position from which to view things and extremely difficult to keep in perspective at the same time.<br />
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I am not sure how you will resolve this situation in a way that feels right and equitable; it is a very real and difficult situation and it sounds like you are approaching it with all the caution and gentle handling it needs in order to resolve it and come through it in such a way that you remain both honest to your heart and aware of the pain any revelations or desire for changes may cause your partner.<br />
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Like I said before - I wish you well. It is not a situation you have deliberately courted - it has arisen because of your sensitivities to a number of things; and we all turn to our close friends in times when we are unsure and unhappy. But you are right in saying the next step is up to you as to how things progress from here and are handled; and that is the active decision you need to make - and only you can know what that should be.

While it is VERY hard sometimes not to factor my friend in when I'm working this out, I'm trying my best not to. I know that the decision needs to be made based on the things wrong with my current relationship with my husband, not my potential relationship with my friend. It is tough. Thanks so much for your support and thoughts.

It might seem like a simple call to anyone who has never been there - you are in a marriage, you made vows for life and these should be honored - but of course emotions and situations and timing all do play a part.<br />
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The fact he is involved with someone also but that you and he share this bond where you can discuss the feelings you have about your current partners and turn to each other for support and advice illustrates your closeness and how much you do trust and value each other - but it does also make any decision to leave a marriage or make any big change rather complicated. Its idealistic and all very well to say don't let the fact of this possible alternative relationship / support from a close friend influence your decision to end your marriage - but if it is this support you require as a catalyst for a change from an already stagnant marriage to your now husband, but a relationship you say you can see enduring as a friendship despite the pain you forsee a break-up would cause him - you need to think long and hard what it is you want in life now and later. We are not here very long in the scheme of things - and only have this one life - so what we do and who we choose to spend it with are extremely important questions that each of us should actively address , so that we do not simply continue in a choice that is not right for us or others simply because of our own inertia where change is concerned.<br />
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Its a tough call to know what to do - and a risk either way - if you take action or sit tight - both are active choices with consequences.<br />
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All I can say is GOOD LUCK & BE HAPPY!

It will be hard, but you should really try not to factor your friend into the equation when thinking about whether to stay in your marriage or not. If you leave it should be because you don't think your marriage can work. You don't want to put the burden of your marriage ending onto your friend.<br />
There is no guarantee that your relationship with your friend would work, no matter how good it seems (of course it may be great, but there are no guarantees). So it would be sad if you ended your marriage for someone else and then that didn't work either.<br />
If you do decide to leave (if it really won't work, maybe better now than in 10 years?) then best of luck to you with your friend! <br />
I also have a friend that I have feelings for, but we have not discussed a possible relationship and I want to keep it that way until I have sorted my marriage. I want to keep my head as clear as possible.<br />
Good luck.

Thanks Danny. I'm not sure yet. My feelings on all of this are developing. I'm sure that I will always love my husband in some way. But the weird feelings over other things are taking a toll. I respect myself, my husband, and my friend enough to say that I will never cheat. I can't do that to any of us.

You just said it. You know what you should do. Stay away from him. When you took those vows they didn't say:until death do us part, or if I like somebody else in a year or two. Did they?