It Wasn't My Intention

to fall in love with her, but i did. looking back, maybe i did do it on purpose. i saw her four days a week in classes, and had thought about her, wondered about her, but i hadn't understood why she caught my attention. so, one day, i asked her to lunch with a simple: "we should get to know each other!" she agreed, and we ate. she told me she was taken, by someone who looked like me, too! i was blase about it. at that time, there had been nothing. then, over the next few weeks, she told me all about herself, about how she hadn't been in a relationship at all; just said so out of habit. the breakup had occurred one week before we'd gotten lunch. we chatted, texted daily, smiled at each other, stared into each others' eyes. she was so sad; she needed a friend. i would be that friend.

except, things became strange. all of our text messages became coded. i asked her, "what do you want to be doing now?" she replies, "not what you're thinking." of course, i think about all the things i could be thinking. always, our texts were like this. "i want to go out tonight," she says, "what should i wear? tell me, i just don't know. are you going out? maybe i shouldn't." she meets me at the party, doesn't speak to me, then sends me a message: "i'm so antisocial." i was being tortured! she left the party then texts me that she was upset. i asked her why, and after interrogating, she asks: "do you really want to know?" i say yes. she says: "i just really wanted to be with you tonight. tell me a place, any place, and i'll meet you there."

i was trapped. i was falling for her.

eventually i told her and she said to me: "i'm not ready for a relationship. i don't like you yet." Her repsonse drove me crazy. She started texting more often, hugging me (something she never would do), staring at me in the eyes, saying she was immature for the way she responded to me when i told her i liked her. she bought me presents, took me out to coffee.

she flirted with me. hit my shoulder after i hit hers. giggled with me. she started dressing up. i was losing it.

and finally, after a night spent at the beach with her and another friend, she said to me, coded so that our friend wouldn't know what she was saying, "i always break girls' hearts. i guess we all want what we can't have."

that night, i cried. i broke down. i told her that we could not longer be friends. and now...

i just miss her.

i cry everyday.

i texted her today saying: "i miss your friendship," but only because she told someone else she was going through a rough time because a good friend said she couldn't be friends with her anymore (aka me). i can't hurt her. i love her. i texted her and she hasn't responded.

i am in love with my friend.

and i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

ellaemma ellaemma
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 11, 2010

and she just played with you.... it is not nice to play with someone's feelings ! i so hope for you to find another worthy love.... Hug