Taken Too Far..

It all started with a dream. A dream of being noticed, a dream of being appreciated, a dream of being loved. I was 12 years old when this all happened. The night of the 18th October 2007 I dreamt that my teacher randomly started kissing me, it was odd as I had never really thought about him in that way before and the next morning, Friday 19th October 2007, before he took my lesson first thing, I stood outside the classroom alone and waited. The moment that changed my life forever was when he started to walk up the stairs and his reflection off a glass frame caught my eye and I just fell in love like that. A lot of people don't believe someone so young could fall as hard or as fast as I did but it was real, and it was happening to me. I was so young and no naive. At first it was harmless, I just used to chat to him after lessons about the subject he teached as it was already my favourite before I had loved him. Until one thing lead to another and I put a song I wrote into a Christmas card and gave it to him. The song, as you may have guessed was about him, and it explained how hard it was to live a life of being held back by age and marriage. At the time I didn't think it as a big deal but I now know it was the biggest mistake of my life.

As the months turned into years my feelings for him got stronger and my desire grew. The year after it all started I got depressed as I hardly saw him throughout it, I almost thought I had finally moved on though in the second year of being in love with him I started to be more involved with him in school due to my interests and we again crossed paths. This time the love was back and was stronger than ever. I used to go home and curl up into a ball and cry for hours on end because I loved him so much, yet I knew I could never be with him. He was a bit of a flirt, however I was a minority that considered him a heart throb because of his age. He is a lot older than me and that's what is probably so wrong about it but then again you can't help who you fall in love with. So this time round, about 2 years and a month of loving him I did something even more extreme than before. We had an event at school which lasted all weekend meaning we were there on Saturday and Sunday with most of the staff at home. I ended up sneaking into his office and just sitting in there, breathing in the scent of him which filled the room despite his absence. I ended up lying across his chairs and falling asleep as I had dreamed of doing for the past 2 years. I had to do it, and i did. I never got caught, and I know if I had I would have really been viewed as crazy. Maybe I did go crazy, but I was in love, I couldn't help it.

Over the Christmas of 2009, my 'obsession' with him went from bad to worse. A few days before Christmas I had discovered his daughter's facebook page and in a moment of impulse I added her. She accepted and we got talking, she knew from the start I was a student of her father's but she didn't suspect anything suspicious about me. She was just 7 months older than me and later on building a closer friendship we both realised we were very similar in character, and which was the biggest delight to me is that we looked very simular. When he found out about this friendship however, he immediately told her to cut contact with me and wouldn't tell her why. Because we had gotten pretty close already, we continued contact in secret. I later found out he was so determined that we weren't friends because of the song I sent him in the christmas card all those years ago. After becoming close to her, I then realised it wasn't who she was connected with that made me love her as a friend, it was who she was, however he never realised that, he thought it was to get to him.

So here I am, 7 months later me and his daughter are now closer than ever, we're best friends. I guess I got lucky as we are so alike. He still doesn't know we are friends, he thinks that she obeyed his order. I guess since becoming friends with his daughter I don't see him as such a desirable person anymore, now that he is put as an everyday human being which isn't so unreachable after all. He has a wife, a family, a job, and I now am not so intensely in love with him. When he talks to me or when our paths cross I still get the butterflies but they are more controlled and I try my best not to show it. I guess I took everything too far.. I don't think many people would be as persistent as I was, all I wanted was life long contact with him and I guess now I have it due to the connections with his daughter. If I didn't send that song in the christmas card I could be openly friends with her but nothing is perfect.

The 3 year mark is drawing near and I don't think I will ever get completely over him. Time will heal any wound though and I suppose I won't feel like this forever, I will one day find someone who loves me back and I won't have to go looking for connections as to do so. The only good thing that has come out of this is that I have made an amazing best friend. I want people to learn from my story, no matter how bleak something may seem, never give up on being happy. Something good will always come your way so never give up on believing.
No23 No23
1 Response Jul 22, 2010

Interesting. You were 12 in 2007. How are things going on now?

Wow, I had no idea that I wrote this and I'm quite embarrassed that I did. I'm 19 now, studying a degree in Psychology, I've been in a happy relationship for 2.5 years with a guy I met at Download Festival (although he is 6.5 years older than me and training to be a teacher...I think I have some sort of embedded issue) but other than that my life is pretty normal and happy. Thanks for asking though.

Glad to know that. I normally hear about young girls in love with their teachers. Sometimes the teachers take advantage of that. Some others, they don't know how to feel. And a few just ignore it. Anyhow, your case is quite common, is just a crush, but at the time looks like if the entire world is against you. I hope your experience helps other kids who have a crush on their teachers.