My Story.

Sorry for the pretty lame title. :S

I guess I should introduce myself first. I'm Marissa, I'm 17 years old, I'm a senior, and I have a crush on my history teacher.

I first met him my sophomore year of high school, he was my study hall teacher. When I first met him I couldn't stand him, at all. He was a cocky, self-centered, big-headed jerk! I'm sorry for being so rude but he was. Every girl in the girl had a crush on him and they still do! I was probably the only girl that didn't like him. I couldn't stand people that were full of themselves. It's not like he ever paid any attention to me, I'm the quiet, innocent type, that never gets in trouble. Let's just say my sophomore year sucked!

My junior year wasn't much better. I had him again for study hall, but this time I also had him for history. To be honest, I don't know what happened but I ended up falling for him. At first I started getting those little "signs" you get when you're around your crush. You know, the little heart racing, hands clamming up, breathtaking, signs every time he was around. I kept telling myself, don't fall for him, you're just going to get hurt. Well that's exactly what happened, I ended up falling for him and he ended up getting a girlfriend. There's been way too many experiences that happened between him & I but I'm almost sure you guys wouldn't want to read about them. It'll probably bore you. Aha.

I remember this one time during one of the pep-rally's. I'm in the marching band and it was homecoming. Well at the end of the school day we held this huge pep-rally during fourth block. They asked the marching band to perform so that's what we did. During our performance I glanced at my teacher, we'll just call him, Mr. M, he was staring at me and I quickly glanced away. When I looked back up he was still looking at me. That's when I thought to myself, "What the heck?" Later on I just thought, "Oh maybe he was watching you because you're his student."

Almost every day in his class I would catch him looking at me. When I caught him he would always look away quickly. I remember one day when I looked up at him he was giving me this weird blank expression. I looked away then looked back up a few seconds later to see if he was still looking at me and he was. He was still giving me that weird blank expression. When I looked away that time I saw him out of the corner of my eye lay his head down onto his hands & let out a groan.

This was the moment I found out he was seeing someone. Mr. M was going around passing out papers and some boy in the class said to him, "Hey, I saw you yesterday walking into your house with some girl. Is she your girlfriend?" When asked that I felt my heart drop. I was like, of course. What the crap were you thinking Marissa? He's this really attractive guy, and you're just, well you. Like he would ever feel the same about you. I looked up at him waiting for him to answer and he looked at me. He stared at me for a few good seconds before saying to the boy, "Shh. You need to get started on your work." That night I went home and cried. It hurt so freaking much! A few days after this happened we were having a discussion in his class about something. Well he was trying to put it into something we would understand, he looked over at me & said, "Its like when you and your boyfriend break up. When they find someone new, you're not going to like that person very much. Are you?" He stared right at me and I shook my head. He looked down at his hands, shook his head, & said, "I'll be back in a few minutes." He didn't come back for another 10 minutes. I'm not sure what happened. I just know right after that happened I felt weird, like I didn't feel like myself.

Towards the end of the semester, right before our classes changed we were doing this study review for his class. Mr. M was at his podium right in front of our desks grading papers. I was paired up with this one guy and we were already finished. We started talking about random things. He said to me, "I saw you with your boyfriend today." Right when the word, boyfriend, left his lips Mr. M quickly turned his head and looked at me. I glanced up at him and stared at me. He stared right into my eyes. He gave me this weird expression again. I looked away and said to him that I didn't have a boyfriend. I glanced back up at Mr. M and he gave me this small smile.

That was almost 6 months ago. Now, this one guy likes me a lot and I like him too but I'm just not sure if I want to date him. I told my friends how I felt about Mr. M about a month ago. Well yesterday I was talking to Jordyn about him and she said that she talked with Mr. M's brother and found out Mr. M's single. I'm not sure if it's true or not but to be honest, I don't feel like going down that road again. I'm finally starting to get over him and move on. I just can't take the pain. It killed me when I found out he was seeing this other teacher. I literally broke down. I mean, I didn't harm myself in any way or anything like that.

I'm just not sure what to do. The guy that likes me is so sweet but I'm just scared of falling for someone again. I really hate feeling this way.

I apologize if nothing I wrote made any sense. I am a horrible writer! :(

Thanks for reading.
WhatIKnow WhatIKnow
3 Responses Jul 22, 2011

omg I totally understand u! Nd I no ur scarEd, but u should give this kid a chance

Ohmygod I totally get you, I really do! I'm like in love with my tourism teacher (Ex tourism teacher now, he left the country) I fell so hard for him. At the start of this year, I met him for the first time since he was new to the high school I go too. I thought "Hey he's hot, ohmygod" but didn't really think about it too much. Then mid way through the beginning of the year I started getting feelings for him. I couldn't breathe when he was around me, i couldn't think coherently without going red, I couldn't move at all. It was hard to concentrate on work. I couldn't look him in the eye without wanting to die...oh god it was so intense! <br />
<br />
It wasn't to long after that I started getting 'signals' from him - (Probably my imagination) but I noticed he stopped coming to me and asking if i needed help with work. He went around to every single person in the classroom except for ME! It was so infuriating. He actually skipped going to my desk. I had the gut feeling he knew how I felt about him...I just knew it with everything that I owned. He knew...somehow. In my head I like to think he felt the same, then again he could have just been keeping his distance not wanting to give me any ideas...but seriously. He avoided me at all costs, he used to talk to me then he stopped altogether NO LIES. I sat at the back of the class, and when he walked around the room trying to help others in the corner of my eye I would see him stop and then look at me for a few seconds then he'd walk off. He did this 3times once! As if he was thinking whether or not he should...the only time he'd really talk to me was if i'd missed on work when i was away.<br />
<br />
the sad part is not so long after all of this he resigned. leaving the country back to his homeland...i was so upset when i heard about it. it sounds foolish and irrationally but on his last week at my school i skipped his last 2 days there and got drunk in the girls bathroom to drown out my internal pain of him leaving. i was just hurt. really, really hurt. i drank to the point where i was numb and felt better in a way. i was happy i couldn't feel a thing, i was relieved i found a temporary escape from reality. i drank for two days trying to forget he was going. so many times i wanted to tell him how i felt, i wanted to leave him a note or a song i wrote about him...but i didn't. i was too cowardly too. i felt literally sick after the alcohol really hurt. i feel so stupid damaging my body like that. i'm happy i didn't cause permanant damage. <br />
<br />
you would think i would have learned my lesson. but i haven't. i still love him (i think its love) i think about him every single day, every single breathing moment. its been 2-3 months since he left....and i can't get over him. i still feel as crazy about him as i did when he was here. i wish i could move on but then i cant help thinking there might still be hope somewhere...that maybe he'll come back for me. its crazy. i'm just a naive 17 yr old teenage girl. what do i know about love. right?

what's your name?