Hey, I Graduated But You Got Married.

When I first saw him in my sophomore organic chemistry lab, he was substituting for our lab instructor. He was handsome, kind, and liked to make jokes. I noticed that he had no ring on his hand and I started to fantasize. I heard him take a phone call and said "hey babe..." ok, so he probably had a gf, I still might get a chance when I graduate, I thought.

The next semester, I was trying to join someone's research lab and I saw him on campus again. He was supposed to be on sabbatical, but he was doing that in a nearby college so he was around a lot. So I came up to him and asked if i could join his lab. He let me into his lab. At that moment, I felt I was the luckiest person in the world. I also noticed that he got a ring on his right hand...he got married that summer, i assumed. Even though for that entire junior year, I didn't get to see him much, I was very motivated both by learning new stuff in the research project and by the fact that I was working for him. The next year, he naturally became my thesis advisor and he was not on sabbatical anymore. Whenever I see him or go near him, I get nervous and couldn't talk normal or make funny remarks. He was around a lot that year, but unfortunately I don't know why I started to slack on my research project. I didn't spend a lot of time in lab, I was afraid of going in to talk to him about my thesis, i just got nervous around him.

He talked to me about his concerns on my thesis. I remember crying in front of him once, because I was frustrated and disappointed about myself and about the thesis presentation. I felt everything was too late. Why hadn't I worked harder? And I thought with him being around that whole senior yr, I should have lots of motivations to work hard and really do some good research. But instead, I felt like I was avoiding him. Sometime when we were sitting next to each other and he was explaining things to me, our knees unintentionally touched and I felt like I was shocked by electricity. I'd move away my knee very quickly or try to avoid any kind of physical contact because I was afraid I'd show it. I remember once, he was demonstrating something and he lightly patted my knee. I almost melted right there. I also wonder if he would have similar feelings for me, I always wonder if he ever fantasizes about me. But I believe he's a good man, a good husband, and a good father (he's got a baby girl now) so he probably never sees me as a woman.

I just graduated this May. I offered to work in his lab a little more during the summer and I didn't want to earn money even though he said there was enough funding. I felt guilty about me slacking on my senior thesis for that whole yr, I felt lucky that he let me pass my thesis, and mostly, I felt I missed out on the time I could have spent with him: learning from him, looking at him and admiring him. or even impressing him with my research. I did none of those.

Summer is almost over now. I need to move on. I wish i could read his mind, all I want to know is that has he ever felt that way towards me? I dreamt of him last night. I wish I could dream of him more, so that we can do all those things that I'm afraid to do in real life. Maybe i wish there could be one chance with him, one time, just one time...wish you were single, I would have definitely told you about my feelings for you. But you have a lovely wife and a lovely baby girl, she is adorable. Wish you could let me babysit for her, and I promise I wouldn't do anything wrong. I just want to be near you, and be able to see you, and do nothing.

The first few times we met, when I called you professor ***, you asked me to call you by your first time. I never got the nerves to do that. All the guy students do that, but I felt self conscious. It would make me feel too intimate if I called you by your first name, but I have whispered your name a thousand times in my heart. Wish you could understand, that the reason why i've always been calling you professor is not because I want you to feel uncomfortable, I feel uncomfortable calling you professor too. I was just too shy and too much in love with you to call you by your first name.
AlwaysCrushing AlwaysCrushing
1 Response Jul 14, 2012

Wow. Thanks for sharing! That must have taken a lot of courage! :)<br />
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It is great to see someone sharing a realistic story of both their ups and downs and view them in a realistic, retrospective way.<br />
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I know that feeling, but luckily haven't had it with a professor before, although I have had more than my fair share of addictions. ;)