I'm Hopelessly in Love With My Biology Teacher

"Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration" ~ unknown 

I have never done this before. Never written fully about my feelings for her. I've thought of doing such a thing, but then never quite got round to it. But I'm getting round to it now. I need to express my feelings for the woman who has had my heart in a fix for the last four or five months. 

I know it doesn't seem like that long, but to me it seems like I've known her a lifetime. In fact I've known her for four years - or at least I've known OF her. Shes a teacher - obviously - so I've seen her around the school. But never before had I had her for a teacher until late spring/early summer of this year: 2012. I'm in year 11 now, but I was in year 10 at the time. Presently, I am a few weeks shy of 16.

We only had her because our regular extra science teacher was off on extended sick leave, for a reason we were never given. Our class had worked our way through two crappy substitutes and our grades were getting increasingly worse. So we were handed over to the illustrious hands of this woman. And when I say illustrious I mean it. She has a phD and did research for 6 years prior to entering teaching. 

So she taught us. Instantly something was strange: everyone I'd ever met in the school had complained about her: "She's boring. She can't teach. She talks too much." and statements alike. I think it was fair to say that I wasn't anticipating great things. To tell the truth, we wanted our original teacher - the fun loving mad chemistry teacher - back. But... I instantly adhered to her teaching style. I found I was learning a lot, taking loads of notes and most importantly, I actually found it interesting. And unlike the rest of my school, I enjoyed it when she talked about past jobs. So with that, I started to look forward to my lessons with her. 

I think it's fair to say, she isn't the kind of teacher who - typically - builds strong student-teacher relationships, and I could tell this from the off. But there was something inside me, though I hadn't identified WHAT at the time, that wanted me to get her attention. 

I don't know at what point I admitted to myself that I had feelings for her. But when I did, I became determined to crack her professional, and unemotional front. And that was the thing: I KNEW it was a front. You know when you just know something? Well I knew. I knew that she only acted like that because she knew what other students said about her behind her back. She's anything but stupid, of course she knows! And so she puts up this front, and it stops her showing her emotions about it. She's so much more than that! There is a whole different person underneath. I knew that. I still do. 

And so, I set out on a quest to get to know her better, and to get her to trust me. I called in the opinions of her former form-class member who happens to be a good friend of mine. I did exactly as he suggested: completed work, concentrated and kept quiet in lessons. I also asked her questions, questions related to the work. I asked her questions about her pHD and her work. She would talk for ages about it. And slowly but surely, she begun to crack. 

I became the only student she would half-smile at in the corridor. Before, she would walk with her head down, and maybe look up at you, but that was as far as it went. You never got acknowledgement. But now she would curl a lip slightly as she passed me. The first time I got a smile from her felt amazing. She also became more relaxed in my lessons, and whenever she said something in a relaxed, off handed, or jokey way - which is abnormal for her - she would look at me straight after, almost like she wanted my approval or to see if I was laughing too. I never failed to do so. And she would talk to me. Not often, and not in great depth, but all the same. Once, she even enquired as to my wellbeing, whereas before she would have passed me by. 

I began to ENJOY having feelings for her. It was painful at times, for I knew I could never tell her, or she would shut herself off again. But so long as I was seeing her, five times a fortnight, it was okay. I was relaxed about it. And I fell, gradually, deeply, in love with everything about her. 

But all good things must come to an end. In June, our original teacher came back. We were signed back over to him, almost immediately. She no longer taught me, but I would see her around quite a lot, and she popped in and out of lessons to help out because, quite frankly, having been AWOL for almost a year, our original teacher didn't have much of a clue. 

I think this was when my feelings for her were strongest. It's true what they say, you never know what you've got until it's gone. I longed to see her - I missed her so much! I would scan the corridors as I walked through the science department, I would jump every time a door went when I was in a science lesson, hoping that it might be her, just so I could look at her. I'd go the long way round to my other classes, so I could pass by her lab door. I'd still ask her things from time to time, talk to her and the like. But I missed her, I missed her so much. 

It's worse now though. We had summer holidays, and that was torture enough. I just wanted to go back and see her. But now.... things have changed. I am timetabled to have her one time a fortnight, for a Biology lesson. First thing, every other Friday. This is great news! It means I'm guaranteed to see her at least once for every two weeks. This, coupled with seeing her around in corridors and seeing her pop into lessons, should both keep the flame alight and satisfy the heat it gives off. Except, it hasn't been like that. She's changed lab, and her new lab is up in a place in the school which I don't visit that often. It's certainly not a room that I can just walk past en route. Plus, she shares it with another teacher, so if I was to go see her there's no guarantee that she would be there. I have been at school for almost two weeks, and I've seen her once. I used to see her several times every day. She doesn't seem to be around in corridors anymore, and she hasn't popped into any lessons. I just haven't seen her. And it's hell. 

I have to see her every day, and I can't. Once a fortnight is not enough when you love someone.

What I haven't mentioned yet is, I'm actually a girl as well. This is fine for me, I'm bi and I've long since accepted this fact. But I haven't told anyone, and so I can't confide in any of my friends about my feelings for her. They would think its weird. They'd also think it weird that I'm 16 and she's 38. She's old enough to be my mother for crying out loud, what could I possibly find attractive about her? 

Truth is I don't know the answer to that one either. I don't know why I love her but I do. I know I do. It shakes my stomach up and makes my heart leap. It sets my blood on fire. I love her for who she is REALLY. But it's not just an emotional thing... I find her physically attractive too. I don't think many people would agree with me on that one, but I don't care. To me she is beautiful. She doesn't look anywhere near 38... 30 maybe, but not nearly-40. She's got a gorgeous face and lovely hair. I desire not only to love her but to make love to her. There is, among my emotions, the perfect balance of lust and love. 

I don't know whats going to happen. I can't tell her, I just can't. I can't tell ANYONE! 

I feel like she's been taken away from me, but there's nothing I can do to spend more time with her. 

It HURTS! Every day at school I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds. I long to see her, just once, every day. I LOVE her! I think about her all the time, in all my lessons and at home. I fantasise about her. But that's as far as it can go, I can't have her. 

I'm transferring to a different school next September, after I finish my GCSEs. There are many reasons for that. But I'm going to miss her when I go... I'm going to die inside... I don't even know how to explain it, I just know that I love her so much. 

I love you ever so much, my illustrious biology teacher. I can't even tell you how much. 

"They say no matter how dark the night is, the sun always rises again... I say, lost love reminds us that no matter how bright the day is, the sun will always set again." ~ unknown 


UPDATE: 05/07/2013

It's painful for me to write this update.

I still love this wonderful woman... but, having spent more time with her, and having realised I will never be able to be with her in that way, I have come to love her more as an aunt or family member. We have developed a good friendship, having spent quite a lot of time together. We chat, we've both shared personal things with eachother, we banter and make eachother laugh, and I broke the touch barrier with a hug, and a gentle touch to the arm. 

Sadly, I've now left the school. I completed my GCSEs and I'm going to a different institution for Post-16 education because my school failed its ofsted inspection. 

I feel... crushed. I truly will miss her, and she's sad I'm leaving too. Though I doubt she feels crushed like me, we HAVE managed to build a beautiful friendship. I'm going to try and keep in touch, as she's said she'll still be there to offer me advice on anything, including A-Level help, and that it's okay for me to email her from time to time. 

But that doesn't stop the sadness... 
DeepInRegret DeepInRegret
18-21, F
Sep 14, 2012