Smother

Ah, Mr. Allen. I'll never forget.

Whenever I saw him, my hands got sweaty, and I blushed quite a lot. He was tall. Short, blonde-brown hair, and blue eyes. P.E. teacher, very athletic. Gorgeous. Funny, too. He made the class laugh everyday, and everybody loved him. He treated each student with care, and when I would nearly kill myself running the mile (I have horrible asthma), he would have this worried look on his face. He'd ask if I was okay, and he only asked for what I could do. If I couldn't make it in 9 minutes, it was okay. He once even pat me on the back, and I swear I stopped breathing.

I figured out that he had a wife. It made me sad, but I knew it was to be expected. What would you think would happen? Mr. Allen sweeping you off your feet and running away with you off to some romantic getaway? I knew it was stupid, and childish. Besides.. he didn't feel the same. It was a one way street.

I tried to cease my continuous staring and fantasizing, and for a while it worked. But then one day, he pat me on the back. "How are you feelin', kid? You look sick, or sad even." I started stuttering, and I blushed insanely. My heart was hammering in my chest, and it was hard to breathe. "I'm good. Just tired." I said quickly, horrified to find that my voice was shaky. I laughed nervously. I remember him quirking his left eyebrow, then shrugging. "It is hot today, though." Then his attention was suddenly diverted away from me when a kid called his name. He walked away and I nearly started crying in relief.

You don't know how much I love you, Mr. Allen. You have no clue.

To know he felt nothing back was excruciating. I felt often as if I would die. But it wouldn't matter. He'd never notice. He never noticed me, ever. He shouldn't ever; but I wanted him to.

Then the day came. It was Battle of the Ages day, where P.E. teachers faced off in a game of basketball against the students of the basketball team in the gym. I remember sitting on the bleachers, watching his every move.

He never notices me.

I thought about telling him how I felt before I graduated. I mean, I'll never see him again. All I have to do is just say it, and then leave. Get it off your chest.

He never notices me.

Then I saw him take a break, and lean over to kiss a woman.

His wife.

And then he lifted up a wriggling baby in pink clothes, and kissed her. He then held her in his arms and showed her to his students. They all "Awww'ed" at the baby. HIS baby. His little baby girl.

He never notices me, and he never will.

The pain in my chest was near debilitating. Waves of guilt crashed over me, and I felt like throwing up. Oh God, Tyler, how could you? How could you fall in love with a man who clearly loves his family, and not you? Why would you do that to yourself? To HIM?

I could hardly hear the game in the background. Everything became fuzzy. My pulse pounded in my ears, and I felt nauseated. I stumbled out of the stands, sweating and begged the teacher to let me leave the gym and go to the bathroom. He told him I felt sick. He let me go, and I raced outside. I sat outside of the locker room instead of going to the bathroom. I felt like crying, but I held it in.

I told myself to smother it. Smother all of the feelings and fantasies and the love I had for him. Smother it until it chokes and it dies. So I did. I forced myself to stop it. Stop it, for good.

The next day, I refused to look at him. I slipped once, and felt sick and guilty all over again. I tried harder. I didn't look at him. Whenever he called on me for roll call, I responded flatly. No more conversations.No more laughs together. Nothing. Smother it all.

On the last day of school, I turned in my lock for my locker and walked outside. I saw him. I quickly ducked my head, but it was too late. He saw me. "Hey kid! It was nice knowing you. I know you'll be a great artist someday! Just don't forget me, so I can say 'I encouraged her!'" He laughed.

Forget you? FORGET YOU? Several emotions struck me at once. Anger. 'The hell? I've been trying to forget you ever since that day in the gym, and now here you are, telling me to NOT forget you? Sadness. Of course I'll never forget you Mr. Allen. But one day.. you will forget me. Joy. I promise you I won't ever forget you! And then, one day, I'll find you and...! And... And what, Tyler? What were you going to say?

I thought about it right then. Tell him how you feel. **** this smothering sh**. I opened my mouth, but all that came out was, "I won't forget you, I promise." I sounded like I was going to cry. I stood there a little longer than I should have and we stared at each other. "You okay, Tyler?" He asked.

No, idiot. Of course not.

"Yeah. See you later, Mr. Allen."

"Bye, kid."

And then the greatest thing ever happened. He hugged me.

I felt like dying. I slowly hugged him back, then kind of stumbled backwards, waving back at him, and practically ran off.

I'll never forget that day, or Mr. Allen. Yeah, I've smothered my feelings for him, and now they're a distant ember instead of a roaring flame. But my memory of him is clear as crystal.

I loved you, Mr. Allen. You have no idea, and sadly, you never will.
duClo duClo
18-21, T
1 Response Oct 9, 2012

Someone get me a tissue :'(