What Can Never Be.

School has never been my 'forte', per say. More of a place that I've been sent each day since august of 2000 to keep me out of trouble and allow me to expand my knowledge of drugs, English literature, and the 'ways of the world', if you will. I was only fourteen when I met him. My English teacher (how cliche). At the time, he was 59. During my first year having him as an instructor, I found him to be condescending and overly sarcastic, which I found to be intolerable. But when I turned sixteen, something in my brain obviously collapsed, because the old, sarcastic man, somehow turned into some sort of sex god, who's intelligence I found wildly attractive. This undoubtedly had something to do with my turning of age, but it's more than that. Teenagers do tend to be overly dramatic about their personal problems, which are usually over emphasized and seemingly never ending... But this isn't a typical crush. This beautiful human being, shaped me into what I am today, this emotionally confused, artistic eighteen year old girl... Who plays classic vinyl in her spare time, paints pictures that could be confused with something of an acid trip, walks the woods in search of nothing but beautiful scenery, and smokes weed like it's 1968. I could never act on my emotions towards him. There is too much to lose, including his dignity and the respect of his peers... His wife and grandchildren would probably not take well to the idea either, I'm assuming. I find myself wishing that our paths had crossed when he was still young and that sort of thing was acceptable, but unfortunately we have impeccably bad timing. I can tell he isn't happy with what he has settled for, and that's understandable(his wife has held him back from doing the most harmless things that he enjoys). But of course I keep my opinions on those matters to myself. I know he cares for me, by the way he hugs me and massages my shoulders when I grade his essays. Though I've never gotten past him kissing me on the forehead and making remarks about how pretty I look, i feel a deep emotional attachment. I feel like this is becoming a substantial factor in my inability to have feelings for guys my age. I'm guessing this is a detriment to my mental health, but I'm willing to risk that, just to keep him for one more semester... The rest of my senior year. That looks insane in print, and I'm sure others think so too, but I'm sure I don't mind. I'm running blindly into something that Could potential harm me mentally and I'm fully aware of the consequences. The question I'm asking is why? Why do these things happen? Fate is cruel.
HeartAsunder HeartAsunder
18-21, F
Nov 29, 2012