Depth Can Only Come With Time

I called her last Friday.
"Hey," I said shyly.
"Hi!" She said back.
"I just called because I...wanted to see how you were doing." I was really just dying to hear her voice.
"Oh, I'm good--how are you?! I'm sorry I couldn't see you today."

So we talked on the phone for a while and I got my wish. (:

On Monday evening, my parents and I got into a HUGE fight. We've been fighting more often now, and I think it's partially because I'm "claiming my independence" since I'm moving out in 4 months and going off to college. Lol. I don't really know what's going on to be honest, but the point is we're arguing so much lately. It got to the point where I just felt so horrible, I needed someone.

When I went upstairs, I called her in tears.
"What's wrong?" She asked me sweetly.
I bawled my eyes out and told her what happened.
"I hate myself.." I told her.
"Please don't say that, because I don't hate you." she replied.

I stayed quiet and so did she.
We talked for a few more minutes and then said goodnight. I texted her one more message it read:
"I'm so sorry for being so negative, I just have so much stuff going on. I don't understand how anyone could like/get along with me...I'm so far from perfect. There's so many things wrong with me."

I fell asleep with that message on my mind. Then I had a dream that answered my message. She had texted back (in the dream): "Don't ever say that, you're beautiful. You're amazing, and though I know you like me I still love you back."

The next morning I awoke and went to school like usual. When I came home, I got a text from her as I was getting in the car to go to Aerobics.
"I'm so sorry I didn't text you back....are you okay though?"

I didn't answer because I figured we would meet in class anyways. When I got to class, she greeted me and we sat down by the wall as we waited for the cardio class to finish.
"So how are you?" she asked.
I looked at her and cracked a small smile. "I'm hanging in there--staying strong."
"You look so stressed...did you have a long day?"
I peered over to the mirror in front of us and noticed my face. Gaunt, with huge dark circles under my eyes--but hey, I still managed to look gorgeous under all that makeup. (Lmao)
"S-Sorta," I said, stuttering as I was growing nervous because she scooted in closer to me. She reached for my hand and touched me gently. "Listen, I...won't be here tonight. I've got to go to work." I looked over at her sadly. She brushed her hand down my arm and gave it a tight squeeze. "I promise I'll be here tomorrow," she smiled.

"Can I ask you a question?" I wondered.
"Sure, go right ahead!"
"Do you think people can have a deep connection even when they first meet? Kind of at first sight?"
She sighed and looked down at her hands. "I do, but at the same time--I think that connection can be comprehensive, on different angles. But I think the depth of a connection with someone can only come with time." She added.


"Will I see you tonight?" I texted her.
"You sure will...but, will I see you? :) "
"Yes, you will!"

When it was time to go to aerobics class I developed a really heavy feeling in my stomach. I started to panic. The last time I was ever physically in class with her during instruction was last summer when we met. I started freaking out and I wanted to run out of the room as soon as I got there and saw her. I stayed strong and waved at her and sat down at the far end of the wall.

During class I avoided looking at her. To be honest with you I was in a sheer depression these past few days and I just didn't want to be around her, but at the same time...I did. I couldn't bring myself to look or talk to her.

She caught my eyes a few times during class, however so I couldn't deny that.

When instruction ended, she took me aside to talk.
"Hey.." she said, wrapping her arm around my shoulder briefly.
"Hi, what's up?"
"Busy as always...You seem so quiet today. Did you have a hard day?"
"...Yep." I said, looking down to my feet.
She placed her arm around my waist and drew me into a hug. "You look sooo sad today! Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine--I promise."
"You sound just like me when I try to deny everything that goes on in my life. You can't fool me."
"I'm okay. What are you doing tomorrow?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Probably nothing. Do you want to go do something? We can go take a walk by the beach or.."
"That sounds lovely!" I replied.
"Are your parents here to pick you up yet?" She asked.
"No, they're running late."
"I can take you home if you want..."
"No, no it's okay don't worry."
"It's not okay..." She said
"Yes it is." I added.

A few minutes later she was getting ready to go after we had talked to a few of our friends in class. I watched her from the distance and she caught on. We locked eyes and she signaled me toward her so I met her half way. "I want to give you a hug," She said. "You look like you need it."
"I do." I said, sadly. I remember I told her in a text, that sometimes all I craved the most was a hug to get me through the day.
She hugged me tightly and I rested my head on her shoulder.
"We'll talk soon." she whispered.
When she was getting ready to leave she stood by the door for a moment and we looked eyes for like, 10 seconds in utter silence. I felt like she could read me and see right through me. It was an insanely haunting moment because she has never, ever done that. She noticed the sadness in my eyes and returned the gesture somewhat. "I'll text you later," she said.

At this point I was so upset I wanted to cry. So I called over a friend and he brought a punching bag and I beat the living **** out of that thing, lol. The thing is, I get so depressed because I know I can't have her. We may be "friends" but honestly, all of this is probably just wishful thinking. She doesn't know how I feel and it kills me.
ALittleSecret ALittleSecret
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 11, 2013

I've never experienced this kind of relationship and I feel torn up and sad inside. I wish I knew the answer to that. I've always been against teacher-student relationships but now I'm seeing another side it. I hope things work out for you.

Oh my God. You relate to me so much that it's crazy.
I swear I know how helpless you might feel knowing she's just a teacher when you love her so much. I get it. My school took my teacher away from me. Seriously sucks :/

teacher relationships can be special, they can lead u in ways that u never thought of,
i had one too, but too shy to post

It's simple tell her. Ask her how she fells about you. Is she your school teacher? If she is tell her after you graduate.