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Uncomfortable

So in Chemistry today Mr D was ranting on about how Justin Bieber fans have been self harming to stop him from smoking weed.
He was like "I don't understand why they would do that for a pop star? I dont understand why anyone would do it actually". And normally he looks at me for my opinion and I'll just smile if I agree.
But today when he looked at me I was nearly crying. I know it's not his fault because he doesn't know that I have depression and anxiety and used to self-harm; well I still do sometimes but thats a side of me he will never know or so I thought.
I couldnt look at him at first but when I did he was frowning and then changed the subject.
Then in the lesson he would just randomly ask if I was okay and I just nodded but I think he could see I was nearly crying. I'm ashamed of that side of me so when it sounds like he's disappointed it is even worse.
So i rushed out of the lesson at the end so he couldnt talk to me but I had to hand work in to my Physics teacher.
I went to the Science office but only he was in there :-/ I knocked on the door and when he looked up there was this cute little smile on his face and I was just like "Oh hi sir have you seen Miss C?"
And he said he hadn't so I asked if he could give her my work when she came into the office next so I gave him my work and he started reading it.
He was like "wow now i remember why I hated physics" and I laughed and he did his cute little grin. Then he was like "are you okay? You seemed a bit upset in Chemistry"
I just shrugged and said "I'm fine" and he said "well just let me know if you get upset again, it's horrible seeing you sad"
And then there was his cute smile that brightened up my day! :)
The2ndLaw The2ndLaw 18-21, F 4 Responses Jan 15, 2013

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You shouldnt be ashamed of that side of youself. I know what its like to deal with depression and self-harm and things like that...and its a terible feeling...but it happened. And yuo are getting through it. If you really do love this guy then he will find out eventually, let him be the teacher that you confide in. Tell him the next time he asks if you are okay...no im not. Then maybe your relationship will progress :)

Well he's been there through some bad points in this year and he helped me through them so maybe you're right. I don't confide in him a lot because I don't want to feel like a burden but id he asks then I could tell him, thanks :)

Damn I think I'm in love with your teacher to. lol!

Lol, understandable :p

For me, sometimes, there is nothing I can do about having a really bad feeling for myself except for working through it with a loving professional. Being ashamed of a side of us is normal, but not something we want to stay inside of us. You, just like the rest of us, are a beautiful, valued, important and elegant person. We all need to work through our issues so that we feel better on the inside. Self harming, as you know (or have been told) is really harmful to your feelings and thoughts and future with yourself and the world. Hopefully you have someone who can help you through this stage in life.. Your insides (your mind and your feelings) are the most important part of who you are. If you work with a loving professional (throughout your life) and continue to grow, you will have a wonderful future. You have more availability to be an emotionally and mentally healthy vibrant person, that you know. With a healthy and vibrant mind and feelings (your heart) that are growing more healthy all the time, there is no limit to what you will be able to do in life. Good luck, we support you.

I don't have anyone that I can talk it through with really :-/ I'm good at coping fairly well (although I wouldn't call self harm coping). The people in my life don't have time for my problems so it really doesn't matter, thank for your support though :) your message made me feel better

you can message me anytime. I am a really good mama (not that you would know LOL). I have a 20 year old who made it really well through her teenage years and is now at UCSD doing really well. I will be happy to message with you on EP, it that is something that you feel comfortable with. Hugs :)

"I'm ashamed of that side of me so when it sounds like he's disappointed it is even worse."

Aww, please don't be ashamed. It's typical for people who've never had depression/anxiety to say they don't understand why people self-harm, just like people who've never had an eating disorder often don't understand why someone would starve or binge. His comment was ignorant and a little irresponsible, but I'm sure if he truly understood what goes through a depressed person's mind, he wouldn't have said that. And I don't think he would have made that comment had he known about your past; he probably would have been more compassionate ... he does really seem like he cares for you.

So please don't be ashamed. A lot of people self-harm, a lot of people have depression, and a lot of people have anxiety (I have depression and anxiety!). Depression is actually like the "common cold" of mental disorders. I hope you're getting help!

Well I haven't got help, I've just been coping with all of this for four years which is why I don't really understand why he "cares" about me so much.
I just don't want him to think I'm stupid :-/