We're Not The Friends I'd Like Us To Be

Dear --------,

I remember one semester we had you you told us that a friend had lent you a book that basically suggested that we all make emotional investments in each other and when we feel like we are not making returns on those investments we withdraw our deposits. The reason why I recall this memory so well is because it reminds me of my relationship with you!

I've come to realize and accept that the kind of friendship I would like to have with you is not the same kind you want to have with me.Though I know there are different degrees of friendship and I don't expect us to be best friends I would've liked us to be closer than we are right now. As i told you before I'm not expecting you to call me everyday or email me every week but it would be nice to hear from you more often than I do now. I know you are very busy but friends find time to check on each other and exchange pleasantries. I know, without a doubt, that there are people in your life that you frequently communicate with and it isn't a burden to you. And while I will never attempt to dictate who you should make a priority or not it hurts me to know that I place you at a much higher level of importance in my life than you do me in yours. For me it is instinctual because I admire and adore you very much, But I imagine for you, with regards to me, it would have to be an effort that you don't seem very able to make.

I also feel very intimidated and unsure of what boundaries I have to observe with regards to communicating with you. i got a BlackBerry for CHristmas and was very apprehensive about asking for your pin or giving you mines, I don't think that is a sign of true friendship. Real friends don't have to second guess improving their means of communicating with each other. I felt very sad due to this actuality. I also had you as a What's App contact when I downloaded the app but I refrained from contacting you there. Then about three weeks after you disappeared from the platform and I wondered if you had blocked me or deleted your account when you discovered I was on there. These kinds of insecurities are not healthy for me. I become negatively preoccupied with trying to answer these questions and I become self-loathing, I feel vulnerable, sometimes depressed and even resentful towards you. I keep asking myself if I am not worthy of your time, friendship and I feel like you patronize and deceive when you say we're friends.

Maybe ego is the culprit behind my issues. maybe I need to accept that for once someone who I venerate doesn't totally reciprocate the sentiment.Sometimes I truly ask myself if past admissions and behaviours have informed your current interaction with me. I believe this to be true and that is why I purposely ceased interaction with you for three months last year. Even before then there was a very awkward period between us and it used to hurt me very much that our once very close relationship dwindled to such uncomfortableness. That is why I also continue to keep my distance. I'm sure you know not much has changed with my feelings for you but I also want you to see that I'm trying to be mature about the matter, I'm respecting your personal space and that I just fundementally want to be your friend.

But I realize that whatever is going on with me psychologically, with regards to you, is much bigger than I and that is why I sought counselling. It has helped but I'm still a long way off from being rid of it all. So if it takes me staying away from you and/or dealing with you on a professional basis only, I am willing.

You once told me to do what I must to achieve excellence. I'm determined to do so in every aspect of my life, especially my personal life.Though I love being an academic, being a holistic woman is my main priority. I believe that dealing with my feelings for you and getting rid of it is a huge part of that quest and I plan to take it head on this year. I'm sure you, of all people, will acknowledge and empathize with my efforts.

An Ep User An EP User
Jan 16, 2013