A Literal Love-hate Relationship

The band director and I have a strange relationship. He hates when I get into relationships and finds every reason to intrude on my personal affairs, such as asking my friends who I liked because it was 'hindering my performance'. He's stubborn, moody, full of himself, has poor self esteem, and can be extremely childish. Plus, he isn't exactly the brightest light bulb of the bunch. I have absolutely no reason to like him, and nor does he have any reason to like me, seeing as I defy him and challenge him to the point of arguing daily. On the surface, it seemed as though we hated each other with an intense passion, and I remind of this constantly by claiming that it must be true that he hates me.
Despite all this, every reason I have to hate him with my entire being is dissolved when I look at him. When our eyes lock, I forget why I'd ever be mad at him. Why though? He's not even my type physically. I can't tell what it is, but I've felt this way for over a year now, this intense urge to just be around him for as long as possible. I'd be devastated if he were to leave some day, just like I'll be in pain on the day of graduation. I even plan on coming back after high school to help with the band, mostly to stay near him. I can't get him out of my head.
The scariest thing is that there's a chance he feels the same way towards me. He hates all my boyfriends, won't let me be friendly with any of the other males of the band, has a jealous streak when I talk about other attractive men near him, and just all around acts like a possessive boyfriend. In speculation, wouldn't that be a good indication that he can't stand having feelings for me that he can't express? Regardless of whether he reciprocates my feelings or not, I'm satisfied with just being near him, even if all he does is **** me off.
wi4mep wi4mep
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 16, 2013

Hey there, so I'm really worried about you. I don't have a problem with you having a crush on your teacher or teacher-student relationships in general, but I do have a problem with how your teacher is behaving. I'm worried this could develop into an emotionally abusive relationship. Here are my reasons:

"He's stubborn, moody, full of himself, has poor self esteem, and can be extremely childish. "
- I know a lot of people can fit under this description, but combined with the rest of your story, this sounds to me like he has some unresolved mental issues. Having poor self-esteem and being full of yourself is a dangerous combination, as it often leads to trying to control others.

Your description of him immediately reminded me of narcissistic personality disorder. I don't know if he actually has that, but I wouldn't be surprised, considering his behavior.

"He hates all my boyfriends, won't let me be friendly with any of the other males of the band, has a jealous streak when I talk about other attractive men near him, and just all around acts like a possessive boyfriend. "
- He's already trying to stop you from talking to your classmates. One of the indicators of an emotionally abusive relationship is when your partner tries to control you and tell you who you can and can't talk to.

Jealousy is a normal response when you like someone, but the way he is acting is not normal. He should not be acting "possessive", especially since you guys are not in a relationship. In a healthy relationship, you should not demonstrate their jealousy by acting possessively or making the other person feel bad. Instead, the jealousy should be discussed in a mature way. If you two did end up getting into a relationship, I fear he will try to isolate you from others by manipulating you emotionally.

There is an implicit power-imbalance to begin with -- he is much older than you, and therefore has more "power". He might actually be attracted to you because he believes he can assert his dominance over you.

Anyway, I just want to make sure you're safe, and that you're not getting into something that could be very hurtful to you. I know it's hard to see the bad in someone you're really attracted to, but could you consider what I've said carefully?