3 can keep a secret if 2 are dead.

I went out with Alison yesterday. We met at the bookstore and ordered some coffee. It seems like my dad is catching onto us already because before I left he asked, "What's going on between you and Alison?" I reply: "Absolutely nothing, but oh my God I adore her son."

I left with a huge grin on my face.

"Where are you?"
I texted her, as I arrived at the cafe.
"I'm on my way :)"
I couldn't really understand why I was so nervous to be alone with her, face to face. Maybe that was it--the fact that we were actually alone.

When she arrived, she started venting me about her ex. So of course I sat there and listened, nodding my head and giving her an extra edge of understanding. Finally, she quieted down and shot me a little look.
"Who's your love this week?" She asked, with a twinkle in her eye and a little flirty smile.
I could feel myself turning a bright shade of pink. "I Uh---couldn't possibly tell you that right now." I said, looking down to my feet as my hands nervously tugged at the ends of my shirt.

"But what about you?" I finally managed to ask, returning the gesture.
She smirked a bit and said, "I've got my eye on two people--but they don't seem interested in me."
"Is one of them...Sean?"
"Sean's actually a cutie, so yes."
"I stopped talking to him after the whole ordeal on Thursday."
"Really? He doesn't seem interested in me." She said, quietly.
"I could find out for you.." I said, with a little wink.
"I thought we were keeping secrets..."
"Okay, we're keeping a LOT of secrets. My parents don't even know we're "talking" they think I'm only with you studying french..but don't worry, your "secret" is safe with me, and I'll keep you covered." I said, gently reaching out for her hand and touching her softly.
"Soo you'll ask Sean if he's interested in me?"
As much as it pained me to do so because I feared the end result, I could only smile and nod and let out a small "yes."
"You know, you can always feel free to tell me anything and you know that. But--I have some things that I can't ever tell anyone...I just can't."

I stared at her, confused.

"Do you want to stop by my house before I take you home?" She questioned.
How could I not? "Sure!" I said.
We walked down the street and headed over to her house. She lives in this large, friendly, lively community and I love it. Everything about the area is soo--attractive and the nightlife is amazing.
"We're not heading down this part of the street," she said steering me clear of the road in front of us.
"Why not?"
"There's a lot of drunks and it makes me soo uncomfortable"

We had a moment of silence until I asked--

"Do you think this is awkward? I mean--us, spending time together?"
"No, I don't. I'm actually used to it. Where I work I spend lots of time with guys your age because some of them are lifeguards."

When we got to her house, we sat down at the table and she put a little music on.
"So what's going on in your life?" She asked.
I looked down to my hands as I struggled to process my thoughts.
"Too much."
"Come on, you can tell me."
"Have you ever felt like there was something wrong with you?"
"Yeah...I...still do." She said, slowly. "My ex was really abusive with me and I always wonder if...there's just..."
We met eyes for a minute and I leaned in to reach for her hand.
"There's nothing wrong with you--that jerk has no idea what he's missing. He has no idea what he lost."
"There's nothing wrong with you either--" she began.
"I feel like there is. I've gone through so much, and I'm just..not myself at times."
"I know what you mean," she began. "Sometimes, I get so confused because I think--have I found the right person? Is this really who it is? And if it is the right person--what do I do? What if I move back to New Jersey and I leave the person I love...behind?"

We had a moment. We just looked at each other.

My mom called about a minute later and asked for me to be home.
Alison grabbed her keys and we left.

There was more silence on the way home.

"What's your honest opinion on.....homosexuality?" I asked.
"I have been around a lot of people who go that way but personally, I don't...I don't think it's right. I have nothing against them it's just for me, I don't go that way. I'm a "Christian" and I just see it in the bible as being....wrong. Same with adultery, and lying.."
"Right..." I mumbled. My thoughts screamed at me: PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING lately then!

"Oh you know how teenagers are...we're confused souls."
"That's kind of deep...but I know it's true..."
I decided to change the story a bit and said:
"There's just these girls at my school that come up to me and go like, oh my god you're so cute--let's go out! and it...makes me feel...awkward."

"The thing is though--there's nothing wrong with "checking" another woman out. It happens, often. People just assume that it's wrong and then immediately classify themselves as gay or lesbian. I've "checked" other women out because I mean--you want to know what their wearing, or like the way they do their hair or..." she trailed off.

She made some sense, but not 100%.

The silence crept in on us once again. I sighed, and trailed my fingers across the window out of boredom.

"You're never alone." She said, looking over at me in the pitch black of the night. "If none of this makes sense there's no harm in saying a little prayer or asking for some guidance."

"Well I DO feel alone right now."

"But you're not." she reassured me.

"How is it that -- I told you this last weekend and now you're telling me this now?"

"We're helping each other through this, remember?"

I sighed, and looked down to my feet. Tears threatened to stream down my cheeks. She pulled into the driveway and turned over to look at me. I looked over at her and we met eyes for a moment.
"I'm SO sorry if any of this makes you uncomfortable. I just...need someone to talk to."

"I know that," she said. "And like you said...we're...friends and that's what we do."

I leaned in and gave her a hug. Just then, I got a text. I took my phone out to check the message:

"I know you're still pissed off at me because of what I said about Alison Thursday night. I'm sorry. -Sean"

I sighed and threw my hands up above me. "I give up."
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing..." I said. "I'll...talk to you later. Thanks for everything." I hurriedly got out of the car and into my house.

As she drove away, I called Sean.

"I'm so glad you called!" He began.
"Of course you are."
"I admire the fact that you're so loyal to your ....friend."
"She was your friend too, Sean. Remember what happened on New Years?"
"Yeah Yeah don't remind me."
"How can I not? Look, she means no harm. She appreciates your friendship and you're just turning her away and shutting the door in her face."
"She disrespected me."
"I'm sure she didn't mean to. I can talk to you for---"
"Don't do it. She's a grown woman, she needs to fend for herself and come around. She's got a ****** attitude."
"Okay, I won't. But I'm absolutely heart broken."
"Because two of my best friends won't talk to each other now, and you know the funny thing? She wants to talk to you. She likes you."
"I know that.."
"You knew that?"
"Yeah I know she liked me, I could see it in every little glance."
"Wait...how did you know..like, be specific." (I figured he could give me some hints so I could rule things out.)
"You'd have to see it to know. But in response to this discussion, no, I want nothing to do with her. You & I have a secret and she and I have a secret. Heck, both of us have secrets with you."
"Great, so I'm a box of secrets now."

We hung up and I sat there, thinking. Nothing makes sense.
1. Sean has a crush on me, and yes he admitted it (again) on the phone.
2. I told Alison this about 3 weeks ago, and we swore to each other this wouldn't leave either one of us.
3. Sean "thinks" Alison knows nothing, but she knows...mostly everything. If Sean finds out I told Alison, he'll kill me.
4. Alison doesn't know (yet) that Sean knows she likes him.
5. HOW THE HELL DO I get them to talk again? I can't. I know stuff that they don't want each other knowing!

"3 can keep a secret, if two of them are dead. -Sean" . I stared at the message, awfully perplexed.

I hesitantly called Alison.
"I need help...I talked to Sean." I said.
"Can you text me? I'm driving."
I hung up. "Screw it." I thought. First off, she has no feelings for me so I don't know why I keep trying. Unless...the fact that she has feelings for me is one of her "secrets".

A few minutes later, she texted me.

"I'm home. You better start texting missy :) I don't care if it's too long of a story."
"It's too much I don't know if it's worth explaining anymore."
"Can I please call you?"

At this point, I just wanted to tell her the truth. Everything. I wanted to tell her about what happened with Sean, I wanted to tell her what she wasn't supposed to know AND I wanted to tell her about my feelings.

She never replied. I went upstairs and started bawling my eyes out and the funny thing is, I didn't even know why. I just felt SO alone last night, and I needed her. Right when I promised myself I would walk away from this before it became to late, she called me...

I couldn't.
I had promised myself--nothing would happen between us.
She clearly doesn't have feelings for me and I am confused as **** right now. Maybe this whole "I'm a Christian" thing, is a front. Maybe it's just an act. You know why? Because I'm sure as heck that what happened that night on New Years was Honest to Goodness real.

My parents took my phone away this morning (for other reasons)...so I couldn't get in touch with her.

....Help. I'm confused and very depressed.

Does she like me?  Can you read into what happens and see the obvious? I'm blind as a bat right now, and I understand NOTHING anymore. I feel as though all  my chances are gone and strangely enough, I feel like walking away from our "friendship" or whatever the heck this is.

She might be leaving the school. I'm heartbroken. I'm going to see if I can do everything in power to get her to stay.
The whole reason why she might is because of her disagreement with Sean. It's funny as heck that Sean thinks I know nothing about it but I know more than he thinks.

ALittleSecret ALittleSecret
18-21, F
Jan 21, 2013