I Can See The Pain In Your Eyes.This past weekend, I had a bitter argument with my mom and family Friday night. It was so bad I ended up having a breakdown which prompted her to take away my laptop and phone. Luckily, I still had my tablet and managed to text Alison off an app in desperation:
Help me. I have no phone and no computer. Just this tablet. I need you. I had a bad breakdown tonight and I just can't take this right now. I really miss you."
I ended up crying myself to sleep as occasional dark thoughts slipped into my head. They whispered temptingly, inviting me to the other side where everything *May have* been better. I refused and promised myself I would make it through the night. When I awoke, I got a reply from Alison. My tablet rang furiously. I mumbled in my sleep, half wasted in my own despair and sadness.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you last night. I've been so busy lately. Are you OK? Things aren't good for me either. Thomas [her son] is giving me a really hard time...I can't deal with him right now."
I begged and begged my mom to give me my phone back so I could call Alison later. Thomas and I were texting all day to the point where he started flirting with me.
"I need to talk to your mom" I said.
"Well, you'll have to go through me first ;) "
Now don't get me wrong he is really cute and I happen to have a minute crush on him.
Me: Hello, what's up?
Thomas: Ummm, nothing. How are you?
Me: Could be better...can I--
Thomas: "Yes, here she is." He said, finishing the sentence.
Me: Are you...okay?
Alison: No I'm not okay.
Me: What's wrong?
Alison: I can't talk about it now, but let's just say I'm so sick of doing things for people and not being appreciated.
Me: I'm sorry..is there anything I can do?
Alison: No sweetie, it's okay.
Me: So um...
Me: What are you doing this weekend?
Alison: Don't know yet. I'll see if we can get together.
Alison: Want to talk to Thomas?
Me: Um. Sure...
Me: Hi, um, tell your mom that if she wants to talk to me--that she can call me back. I don't think she wanted to talk to me.
At this point I was so fed up in trying to help her and not being appreciated myself that I promised myself I would get over her. Lo and behold, she calls me. I stared at my phone for as long as she called and let it go straight to voicemail. A minute later, she texted me. "Are you there?" Then she called again.
It must be serious.
I answered this time around.
"Hello?" I said, after a moment of silence.
"Look, I'm going to tell you this now so you're aware. Thomas is not who you think he is. He's mean, a backstabber and he's trying to tear us apart. I don't know what you told him but he claims you told him I was mad at you. He said a bunch of stuff that you said about me and I don't know if it's true but Sarah, I'm telling you--he's got a dark side. I'm going to tell you right now and I swear to you that I would never, ever in a million years EVER do anything to hurt you. If we continue being friends he is going to end up tearing us apart and throw you under the bus with me. He's turning out like his father and I have lost a lot of friends because they simply don't want to deal with his drama anymore. I don't want the next one to be you. You don't know half the **** my own SON has put me through. He doesn't want to help me pay rent, he sits on his *** all day, I love him to death and I would never turn my back on any of my children but Sarah, I can't lose you.
"First off, you're never going to lose me. Secondly, I didn't say a thing about you I swear to you I--"
"It doesn't matter to me. It's okay. I know you didn't say anything about me." she replied, still flustered. "Look, Thomas is right outside my door but I'm going to call you in a little bit."
We hung up and she called again in a few minutes. I'm guessing she didn't know she accidentally dialed my number...
There was silence on the other end of the line until I heard the whole entire argument between them.
"You lied to me about Sarah!" Alison cried.
"Mom, I didn't lie I swear she--"
"Don't you swear anything Thomas! I just got off the phone with her! I would do nothing to hurt that girl and you know it and you took advantage of our friendship to try and tear us apart!"
I started bawling my eyes out on the other side of the phone. Though it was clear they couldn't hear me, I could hear them loud and clear.
"I'm not lying!" Thomas screamed at the top of his lungs
"Don't you yell at me!"
"Well look, I'm doing it again! All you want is money! Well guess what? I'm not giving you squat!"
"Thomas please I just need a little --"
"NO! I already told you!" He screamed. "I'm going to my dads!" The door slammed.
I hung up quickly and effortlessly and she texted me back right that second.
"Thomas is flipping out...going to his dads."
"Are you going to let him? I think it might be a good idea but at the same time...I don't know ...but please, don't think any of this is your fault. You're awesome and doing the best you can and I know he will come around eventually."
"You're too sweet. I hope something happy and great happens for you."
"It already has! A wonderful friend like you! I heard a little bit of that argument ...I don't know if it was intentional that you called or not but...I love you and you're a great friend. You're never going to lose me."
I said it. I said 'I love you.' Oh my god I can't believe it.
I called her about 5 minutes later.
"Hey, feeling any better?" I asked.
"No," she said between sniffles. "He walked out ..."
"I'm soo sorry...I wish I was there with you to help you feel better."
"I'm not okay, Sarah.."
" I know, I know you're not."
"I just feel so out of place. I feel like a forgotten fish in the sea that just doesn't belong anymore."
"Hey, hey...Alison," I whispered. "Don't say that...you're more appreciated than you think."
"I know but it's like I said--it gets soo hard after a while. I'm soo tired of being continuously hurt over and over again."
"I know how you feel..."
"It hurts so much". She mumbled, crying a few more tears.
"Please know that I'm always here for you no matter what. I promise you." I said.
"I know and you know I'm here for you too."
"I love you...a lot." I said.
"Sarah, we'll get through this together...I promise." she said.
ALittleSecret 18-21, F 0 Jan 28, 2013