Love Or Lust?Okay, hey, I'm new to all of this.
Last year, I moved back to the country I was born in, and obviously, I changed schools. In my old school, I couldn't speak the language very well and I had very few friends and I suffered from social anxiety because I was constantly paranoid about how everyone in high school was judging me for how I looked, how I spoke... all that ****. So when I changed schools, it was quite a shock. I could communicate with everybody, I could actually socialise and understand wtf was happening around me.
My teachers are nice in this school, a lot of them are ****** up and need some serious anger management, but hey, that's normal.
But this one teacher I have, my Physics teacher, let's call him Mr. L, seemed like the most down-to-earth teacher I've seen in a long time. He's Irish (-which I should point out is an automatic turn-on for me) he's funny, he makes snarky comments and sarcastic jokes, he's obviously really smart, he's kind and understanding, so much so that the kids in my school voted for him to be one of the school therapists. BUT, he's probably in his 40s so he's twice my age. He's married, happily no doubt. He has kids. He keeps the baby-seat on the bicycle he uses to ride to school. Hell, he's not even like really handsome, but for some bloody reason, I've been attracted to him since day one.
It's getting to the point where I'm not sure if I'm in love with him, or just love him, or have an infatuation. I think about him constantly. I've dreamt about him several times.
I went all crazy-stalker-fangirl on him a few months ago. I told my closest friend about my teacher crush. We'd make so many jokes about it and giggle a lot during his class. We turned it into a fandom. We had a blog where we'd post about what he was wearing and what kind of shows he likes, and we'd poke fun at him. We gave him several special code names, so that nobody else in our class could figure out what we were whispering about. But eventually they caught on, and this special secret fandom we had died down. I started to be a bit more open about my crush as pretty much everyone I knew found out about it pretty quickly. I'm not surprised, I was being so obvious. So now I'd still make jokes about him, perverted ones, and my friends find it funny and they think it's all very amusing, but I'm only half-joking.
And I've always had that one teacher who I'd admire greatly and would go to any lengths to impress, and they've all usually been middle-aged guys who weren't particularly good-looking, but they were smart, witty and hard to please. But I never had a teacher crush until now. I never looked at any one of my teachers and lusted over them. With Mr. L, I'd constantly be checking out his butt or his crotch, I'd look away nervously whenever he's caught me looking at him for too long, I'd smirk or laugh whenever he'd demonstrate an experiment by plunging a ball into a water tank and go on about how "the waves are getting stronger and faster", I've made countless jokes about his love life, I dress more girly on the day I have his classes and I wear more rouge, I ask him pretty often on my progress and how I can improve in Physics...
Funnily enough, Physics is the only science lesson I haven't failed so far, and I am **** at science. 90% of the time I don't understand what's in front of me, so I study so much in order to get a good grade. A few months ago, when I was in my crazy-stalker-fangirl phase, I looked him up on the net, and at first, I found nothing. Then by finding out his wife's name, I found a whole lot of information on him. I found a website that rates teachers, and his former students all said how amazing he was and how he had the knack for paying more attention to his brighter students. Since then, I've been stressing out on my grades for Physics.
And don't get me wrong. I've had boyfriends. It's not like this is my sexual awakening or anything. But I've come to the realisation that I have never lusted over guys my age. Sure, I'd crush on them, but I didn't want to sleep with them. I like older guys. And when I first realised this, I went a bit manic. I looked it up online to see if it was a problem. I never thought there was anything wrong with it, but not one of my friends thinks older men are sexier. And I'm not talking about elderly men here, if I showed a friend a picture of Daniel Craig or Robert Downey Jr, they'd go "eeww he's ancient" and these girls are 16 -18. I know I may have daddy issues, though to be honest my father has never abused me in any way or died or abandoned me. We just don't get along.
And so here's my dilemma: even though I'm a lot less obsessed with Mr. L now than I was a few months ago, I still think about him, I still go out of my way to impress him and catch him in the hallway on a daily basis, I still talk about him and I still dream about him. Most of my dreams haven't been pleasant. In my dreams he's usually paying more attention to one of my friends, or he's being a ***** to me. Though last night I had a nice dream about him. We were on some class outing, and he patted my shoulder and touched my waist by accident, not intentionally, he was just trying to get me to explain something to another student. But it gave me butterflies, as if it really happened. Then another dream started, and we were both alone in his classroom. I think he suggested that he'd give me a better grade if I did something for him. And for some reason I was really happy to bend down and well, you can guess the rest.
I woke up this morning and just thought why the hell would I be so willing to do something like that for him? And then it occurred to me that I'd do anything for him, in spite of getting better grades. And I think about how it will be Valentine's Day next week, on the day we have classes with him, and I think about how he might get laid, and instead of being extremely jealous of his wife (which I am anyways, but I'm okay with it) I just get happy thinking about how he might have a really great night. Because I want him to be happy, appreciated and loved. I wish SO badly it could be me making him happy, but I know I can't. It will never happen. There's a part of me that wishes we could be really intimate and have a secret relationship, but then there's the other part of me that doesn't want him to lose his job and wreck his marriage because of some stupid school girl.
I know this is a reeeeeeallyyy long post, but there's so much to tell. The fact is, he has never shown any particular interest in me, which makes sense as I am just another student and he's married and not perverted enough to flirt with girls half his age. He's a rational man. He's nice to me and we share jokes and he encourages me to get really good grades in Physics. He knows I make dirty jokes and he smiles or pretends he doesn't understand them. Overall, he just treats me normally. I'm certain he knows I have a crush on him. Too many people in my grade know, so I bet he's heard something. I bet it sometimes makes him feel uncomfortable, so he keeps his distance. And I hate it. I dread the idea of graduating and leaving this school. Will I forget him? I don't want to leave him. And I don't want to get over him, even if it means I have like zero love life.
Usually I'd be more than happy to talk about this to the school therapist because my closest friend has grown tired of my obsession and she hates him for reasons she can't tell me. Shame he had to be the school therapist. It's not like I can talk about this to him...