I Am In Love With My Teacher
I don't know if you guys remember me. I was around about a year ago, had a huge crush on a music teacher, "Mr D." Well, we've had a new music student teacher (he's like a trainee, basically) and I've gone and gotten feelings for him... Oops.
He started at our school in October, and I wasn't really interested in him at all. I'd been speaking to this other guy online (we'll call him D) for quite a few months and I was basically in love. D was a dickhead really, and I was pretty stupid with what I did with him. I'm 16 (17 in like a week) and D was 27 when we 'met' in June, 28 now. Let's just say, he was very into the sexual side of things. Not to say he didn't have feelings for me - he did, and we're very close, we're still very good friends, and still do sexual stuff sometimes, and I guess on some level, I still love him. He was my first love, and they're always special. (I'm making him seem like a bad person, it's hard to explain, but he's incredibly special to me.)
So, towards the end of October/start of November, my feelings for D started decreasing, because I was feeling used and jealous and stuff. And I started talking to 'Mr S' more. There was a big concert coming up, and I do a lot of musical stuff, so there were lots of rehearsals and the like, which of course, he was always at. Plus, he taught my Music class twice a week, and I was in the music rooms at most lunchtimes doing coursework. So we got to know each other pretty well.
I can't remember any significant events before the day of the concert, but I know we must have ended up pretty close beforehand. (Though saying that, there was a rehearsal the week before where he sat next to me on the bus and talked to me the whole way, and sat next to me at the hall. I found out his first name ('P') and his age (22.) Oh, and he gave me permission to go to the shop to buy lunch, even though really he shouldn't have, haha. And we went on a huuuuge mission to find a fork. And I found him and followed him on Twitter. This is important later.)
The concert was in a town about half an hour away from where I live and go to school, and there were rehearsals there all day, then we had a couple of hours to kill before the actual concert in the evening. As I'm 16, I was allowed to just stay in the town in the break, (whereas the younger students had to go back to school) and I was telling Mr S about having nothing to do. He said "Well, I'm staying there too, because I live an hour away, so if you're lonely, we could have a Costa or something." I thought that'd be nice, and a good way to get to know him, but I ended up making plans to meet a friend who goes to college there and who I hadn't seen in ages.
So the rehearsal was a lot of fun. We were just a part of the massed choir, so we were just sat on the floor by the stage and spent a lot of time messing around. I stole his lanyard and started teasing him a bit. The staff all had free tea and coffee so I said to him "Mr S.... Can you get me coffee pleeeeeeease?" He said he wasn't really allowed to, but he did anyway. And then he got into trouble with Mr B, our "real" music teacher for doing so.
Once the rehearsal was over, I went to meet my friend, and Mr S told me to tweet him when I was finished, and he'd let me know where he was so I could join him so I wasn't wandering around on my own. I ended up only finishing just before I was due back at the concert place anyway, so I tweeted him saying I was heading back, and he said he was just leaving Nandos (where he'd had dinner with his friend who was also in the concert) and would meet me on this bridge. So I met him and his friend, and we went back to the hall together. It was a bit awkward, because they knew each other, and I felt a bit left out, but I coped!
For the rest of the concert, not a lot happened. My only ex-boyfriend (from when I was 14!) was in the cast for the show part, and Mr S and I joked about it the whole time. Like, he was eating an apple and he said "So should I save the core to throw at G?" And so I was complaining about how rubbish my love life is, and he told me not to worry, and that he'd only had one girlfriend, while they were in uni, and it lasted two years and she totally used him. Uniting through crappy past relationships, yay! And I kept stealing his stuff, and told him to poke me if I fell asleep (the show was reeeally boring haha) and we just had a cute time. When it was over, there was a bit of a rush to get out, and he put his hand on the small of my back to guide me to not be crushed (but I ended up smushed against his back anyway, haha!)
And again, I really can't remember much else. I tweeted him a few times, to cheer him up when he wasn't feeling good, and stuff like that, but he never replied, because teachers aren't allowed to have contact with students. But he always sort of acknowledged my messages. Like, on Boxing Day, he was feeling down, and I tweeted "Get drunk and listen to Bach! :D xx" and his next tweet was a link to a Bach organ piece - stuff like that.
When we came back after Christmas, we seemed even closer. I would see him every day Tuesday-Friday (he wasn't in on Mondays) and we'd always have a quick conversation. I was going through a pretty tough time regarding D and just my own self-perception (I have disgustingly low self-esteem.) He always managed to know when I wasn't in a good mood. Even my best friends didn't notice a lot of the time when I was having a bad day, but P (as I started calling him by his first name) always did. Without fail, if I was upset, he'd ask me if I was okay. And normally, if someone asked me that, I'd say "Oh yes, I'm fine! Just tired" etc. But with P... I was always honest. Often the answer was a resounding "No, not at all!" and he'd always be really concerned, and ask why, but I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him that I was just basically really disgusted by myself, in particular the way I look (which always gets me down big-time.)
And we were getting closer still. We've ended up with a lot of in-jokes between us. We've spent a LOT of time together at lunches and after school. By now, I genuinely considered him a good friend. My friend, T, though, thought there was more to it. She became convinced that we liked each other and that he was waiting until he'd stopped teaching at our school to make a move. She'd point out things that I thought were insignificant - how he always laughed at my jokes, touched my arm when he was talking to me, looked at me often. I still thought she was making things up, but the thought was planted in my mind, and I started noticing more little things - he would ask me more questions than the rest of the class, but I'm the top student, so he was probably just stretching me. Or he'd ask me to change the pages of music while he was playing the piano, but that might've been just because he knew I could read music. I was determined not to let myself believe that he had feelings for me, because he's a teacher, and from my last experience with a teacher crush, I know that doesn't happen. And I still was vaguely in love with D, and wasn't ready to move on and like someone else.
At the end of January, the performing arts department were planning a trip to see the Lion King for drama students, but not enough people were able to go, so places were offered to my music class. I jumped at the chance (I'd always wanted to see that show!) and when I told Mr B I wanted to go, P immediately asked if he could go too. This gave me butterflies for some reason, which confused me a bit.
The day of the trip rolled around, and I found myself planning what to wear to look best. I wasn't sure why, but I really wanted to impress P. So I wore a new dress which made me look slim, and did my makeup nicely, and made sure my hair was okay. And the day went amaaaazingly well. I sat with T on the coach, and she made sure P and I kept talking - and we did! Basically all the way to the theatre (an hour away) we had a conversation. And then I sat by T, and we sat behind P, and kept making jokes to him. We joked about all sorts of stuff, like my caffeine addiction and his Pringles addiction hahaha. And the show was fantastic. We left in a good mood, and the journey back was really good as well - we got stuck in traffic so it took us nearly two hours to get back home. T was playing Temple Run on P's phone as he was listening to music, and he gave me the other earphone. So we were leaning really close to each other, over the aisle between the seats, and had another whole-journey conversation, and our knees were touching the whoooooole time. It was really nice.
At one point, I asked him about this ring he wears. He said "Oh, it's nothing that exciting! Got it off my grandparents a couple of years ago. But I can trick the younger students into thinking I'm married." *swaps ring to left hand* "See, sorry Chloe, I'm spoken for!" I was like... "What?" And he said "I'm sorry, see, I'm married." I spent ages wondering why he said 'sorry'...
There really are no huge significant events though. He was offered a job interview in a city a long way away, and I knew I had some feelings for him because a small part of me wanted him to not get it, just so that he'd be closer to me. The day before he was due to go for the interview, he was planning the lesson that he had to demonstrate to the interviewers. He was typing on his laptop, and I was doing coursework on the computer. He sat next to me, even though there were lots of other people in the room (including Mr B.) He was really struggling to think of ideas for his lesson, and typed "I'm screwed..." and turned his screen round to show me (because there was a lesson going on in the room, so we couldn't really talk.) I just smiled sympathetically. I was struggling myself, with my composition, and I kept noticing him looking at me. I whispered "What?" And he just smiled. So then I said "Look, I feel kind of like you have some sort of issue with me, and I don't understand what!" And he sort of laughed and shook his head with a smile on his face (he has an amazing smile) but with a sad look in his eyes. That really confused me. So then I carried on with my work, and he was still struggling. He turned his screen around, and I saw he'd typed "I think everything hates me..." So I took his laptop off him, and deleted what he'd typed, and said "I don't." And he looked me in the eye and gave me a really cute smile.
Another day, I was doing T's coursework with her, and P was in the room. T said something like "Ugh, it was better before I did that key change."
P: "Hindsight is a beautiful thing!"
T: "What?"
P: "I said hindsight is a beautiful thing..."
T: *being her cheeky self* "Ohh, I thought you said 'Chloe is a beautiful thing!'
P: "Hahahaha what!!"
T: "That's what it sounded like!!"
P: "How does 'hindsight' sound anything like 'Chloe'?!"
T: "What, so you don't think Chloe's a beautiful thing?"
P: "What, no, I didn't say that...!"
Me: *sat here awkwardly*
There have been other awkward moments too... Like when the three of us were just talking, and then out of the blue, T says "So is Chloe your best friend?" to P. And another time, she goes "Can we go out some time?" to P, and I burst into hysterics and she said "Oh God, I didn't mean it like that! Going out with you is Chloe's job..." Lots of awkwardness!
So, by this point I was beginning to have feelings for him, and T was convinced he liked me too (though I still wasn't sure - I'm not the girl that guys ever have feelings for!!) It was his last day in our school yesterday. And so I went to find him at lunch and say goodbye. I tried to think of a cute present or something to get him to say goodbye but I couldn't think of anything. I didn't even have the guts to get him a card, in case I said something stupid in it.
I walked into the room, and he was filling in a load of forms. Mr B was there too, so we just had a general conversation about what lessons I'd had that day, etc. P showed me a card a group of Year 8s had made for him which was really cute, and I said "Aw, if I hadn't fallen asleep so early, I'd have done something cute like that too!" He asked what like, and I said "I don't know... Like bought you a lifetime supply of Pringles or something!" And he smiled.
But then Mr B left to do some photocopying and the atmosphere in the room changed slightly. I went to sit next to P to "help with the forms" and I noticed for the first time how nice he smelled and it made me get a bit emotional because I'm not going to see him again until mid-March (he's coming back for our school concert) and after that, I may never see him ever again.
The conversation went a bit like this.
Him: "So, how are you today?"
Me: "Pretty good for once, actually!"
Him: "Aw, that's good! Makes a nice change!"
Me: "Well I don't want you remembering me as the miserable one!"
Him: "Of course I won't! I'll remember you as the one who was nice and always spoke to the younger students and got on with them really well, because that's rare in people your age."
Me: "Aw, thanks!"
*We carry on trying to figure out the forms when he suddenly starts speaking in a low, quiet, almost rough voice"
Him: "I need to say something while I still have the chance. When you... When you tweeted me a while ago... I think it was around Boxing Day... I had a bit of a nosey at your tweets. Wow, you silly, silly girl." *smiling and shaking his head*
Me: *panicking* "Oh God, what did I say?!"
Him: "It was nothing you said to me! Just one of your general tweets. Silly, silly girl."
Me: "What? What was it?"
Him: "It was just very negative. You really shouldn't worry so much about what other people think of you or how they see you. You... You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. I know sometimes you need someone else to tell you that for you to start believing it. But you really need to stop putting yourself down so much."
Me: "Oh... Well... That's incredibly sweet of you to say so."
Him: "And it's good nobody else was around to hear that because I would have been slapped."
Me: "Haha... Well..."
Him: "It's a shame you don't have Music this afternoon. It'd be nice to just relax and talk to you once I've got all my stuff signed off."
And then the bell went. I was totally lost for words. He'd been thinking about that for months, and felt he had to tell me I was a "beautiful, beautiful young lady." I couldn't stop smiling, but I also felt a bit like crying, and I wasn't sure why. I promised him I'd find him at the end of the day to say a proper goodbye, because he had to rush off. So I did, and T came with me (which I wasn't too happy about really - I wanted to talk to him alone!) But T just said goodbye to him and then left, giving me a little nudge and a wink. I walked with P to his car, and then we had the following conversation.
Me: "Okay, well, I don't know what tweets you saw, but I promise you, I'm not always that negative!"
Him: "It was just a generally negative tweet saying you weren't... as I said before. Which you know, you really shouldn't worry about."
Me: "Well really. Thank you."
Him: "Any time! If you ever need to talk, or you need help, with coursework or..."
Me: "Just life?"
Him: "Or just life! You know how to contact me. Probably through DM rather than tweet. I'd follow you, but they'll probably keep an eye on that sort of thing for a while."
Me: "Of course, yeah!"
Him: *getting into that quiet, intense voice again* "And, like I said a couple of weeks ago, it really doesn't have to be the last time we see each other. Obviously there's the concert next week, and we'll have to leave it a while, because of obvious reasons, but after that..."
Me: "That'd be really nice!"
Him: "And I'll try and be in touch... 24th of February, right?" (That's my birthday!)
Me: "Yup! I can't believe you remembered! I can't remember yours... May? June?"
Him: "Oh, mine's too far in the future to matter! I'm a good boy though, you see. I remembered your birthday!"
(By now we were near the front office so the conversation was naturally coming to an end because we had to go different ways.)
Me: "So..."
Him: *sort of bows*
(I thought this was an incredibly cute sign of respect and stuff, and it really touched me.)
Me: *teasing, and genuinely not expecting anything* "Is that the acceptable alternative to a hug between a student and teacher?"
Him: *pauses for a moment, eye contact*
Me: *oh god I've put him on the spot awkwardawkwardawkwa-*
Him: *holds arms out* Come on then.
*We hug for sliiiightly longer than I thought we would*
Me: "It's okay, I don't think anyone saw!"
Him: *smiles* "Bye, Chloe. Keep in touch, yeah?"
Me: "Hey, I'll be seeing you next month!"
Him: "That's true. But still. Speak soon?"
Me: "Sure! Byyeeeee." *walks off trying not to 'squee' out loud*
And I thought that would be it! I went through the rest of the evening feeling close to tears, just overwhelmed with emotion. No guy has ever called me beautiful to my face like that before. And I was just reeeeally going to miss him.
I do a lot of music, and I spent my evening at orchestra, where I actually did burst into tears. I was laughing and then started crying completely out of the blue. I tweeted something like "Spontaneously bursting into tears at orchestra sucks." And then later, I said "Emotions are stupid."
I was in bed, getting ready to go to sleep, and my phone buzzed. I picked it up and saw it was an email. I opened it, not thinking anything of it, but it was from Twitter and said "P has sent you a direct message on Twitter." I was like... whut. Opened the DM and it just said "Hey, hope everything is okay" and included a link to a beautiful piece of choral music. I cried again, it was way too sweet of him. He's not spoken to me on Twitter since the day of the concert when he needed to meet up with me to make sure I was okay! Problem is he still can't follow me, so I couldn't DM him back, but I sent him a normal tweet. But he can't reply to normal tweets because he's not meant to have contact with me. So it sucks a bit. We can't really talk (about a quarter of all my tweets recently are to him, it looks weird enough already!) so it really kind of sucks.
The last thing is he tweeted yesterday "Well that's my time at (school's name) done. Met some amazing people, really sad to leave." And today? He said "I think it's just sunk in that I'm not going back after half term. The feeling of euphoria from having made it this far has just been replaced by a kind of emptiness." Obviously, those aren't specifically about me. But still.
So yeah! I don't even think anyone will have read this far, but if you have... what do you think? Is he just being friendly or...? I mean, he says I'm a "beautiful, beautiful young lady." And he remembered my birthday. And he is kind of flirty. But I'm just not... attractive!! I can't see how he would have feelings for me!
And best of luck to all you guys :) I'll update next time I see him... In March :(
He started at our school in October, and I wasn't really interested in him at all. I'd been speaking to this other guy online (we'll call him D) for quite a few months and I was basically in love. D was a dickhead really, and I was pretty stupid with what I did with him. I'm 16 (17 in like a week) and D was 27 when we 'met' in June, 28 now. Let's just say, he was very into the sexual side of things. Not to say he didn't have feelings for me - he did, and we're very close, we're still very good friends, and still do sexual stuff sometimes, and I guess on some level, I still love him. He was my first love, and they're always special. (I'm making him seem like a bad person, it's hard to explain, but he's incredibly special to me.)
So, towards the end of October/start of November, my feelings for D started decreasing, because I was feeling used and jealous and stuff. And I started talking to 'Mr S' more. There was a big concert coming up, and I do a lot of musical stuff, so there were lots of rehearsals and the like, which of course, he was always at. Plus, he taught my Music class twice a week, and I was in the music rooms at most lunchtimes doing coursework. So we got to know each other pretty well.
I can't remember any significant events before the day of the concert, but I know we must have ended up pretty close beforehand. (Though saying that, there was a rehearsal the week before where he sat next to me on the bus and talked to me the whole way, and sat next to me at the hall. I found out his first name ('P') and his age (22.) Oh, and he gave me permission to go to the shop to buy lunch, even though really he shouldn't have, haha. And we went on a huuuuge mission to find a fork. And I found him and followed him on Twitter. This is important later.)
The concert was in a town about half an hour away from where I live and go to school, and there were rehearsals there all day, then we had a couple of hours to kill before the actual concert in the evening. As I'm 16, I was allowed to just stay in the town in the break, (whereas the younger students had to go back to school) and I was telling Mr S about having nothing to do. He said "Well, I'm staying there too, because I live an hour away, so if you're lonely, we could have a Costa or something." I thought that'd be nice, and a good way to get to know him, but I ended up making plans to meet a friend who goes to college there and who I hadn't seen in ages.
So the rehearsal was a lot of fun. We were just a part of the massed choir, so we were just sat on the floor by the stage and spent a lot of time messing around. I stole his lanyard and started teasing him a bit. The staff all had free tea and coffee so I said to him "Mr S.... Can you get me coffee pleeeeeeease?" He said he wasn't really allowed to, but he did anyway. And then he got into trouble with Mr B, our "real" music teacher for doing so.
Once the rehearsal was over, I went to meet my friend, and Mr S told me to tweet him when I was finished, and he'd let me know where he was so I could join him so I wasn't wandering around on my own. I ended up only finishing just before I was due back at the concert place anyway, so I tweeted him saying I was heading back, and he said he was just leaving Nandos (where he'd had dinner with his friend who was also in the concert) and would meet me on this bridge. So I met him and his friend, and we went back to the hall together. It was a bit awkward, because they knew each other, and I felt a bit left out, but I coped!
For the rest of the concert, not a lot happened. My only ex-boyfriend (from when I was 14!) was in the cast for the show part, and Mr S and I joked about it the whole time. Like, he was eating an apple and he said "So should I save the core to throw at G?" And so I was complaining about how rubbish my love life is, and he told me not to worry, and that he'd only had one girlfriend, while they were in uni, and it lasted two years and she totally used him. Uniting through crappy past relationships, yay! And I kept stealing his stuff, and told him to poke me if I fell asleep (the show was reeeally boring haha) and we just had a cute time. When it was over, there was a bit of a rush to get out, and he put his hand on the small of my back to guide me to not be crushed (but I ended up smushed against his back anyway, haha!)
And again, I really can't remember much else. I tweeted him a few times, to cheer him up when he wasn't feeling good, and stuff like that, but he never replied, because teachers aren't allowed to have contact with students. But he always sort of acknowledged my messages. Like, on Boxing Day, he was feeling down, and I tweeted "Get drunk and listen to Bach! :D xx" and his next tweet was a link to a Bach organ piece - stuff like that.
When we came back after Christmas, we seemed even closer. I would see him every day Tuesday-Friday (he wasn't in on Mondays) and we'd always have a quick conversation. I was going through a pretty tough time regarding D and just my own self-perception (I have disgustingly low self-esteem.) He always managed to know when I wasn't in a good mood. Even my best friends didn't notice a lot of the time when I was having a bad day, but P (as I started calling him by his first name) always did. Without fail, if I was upset, he'd ask me if I was okay. And normally, if someone asked me that, I'd say "Oh yes, I'm fine! Just tired" etc. But with P... I was always honest. Often the answer was a resounding "No, not at all!" and he'd always be really concerned, and ask why, but I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him that I was just basically really disgusted by myself, in particular the way I look (which always gets me down big-time.)
And we were getting closer still. We've ended up with a lot of in-jokes between us. We've spent a LOT of time together at lunches and after school. By now, I genuinely considered him a good friend. My friend, T, though, thought there was more to it. She became convinced that we liked each other and that he was waiting until he'd stopped teaching at our school to make a move. She'd point out things that I thought were insignificant - how he always laughed at my jokes, touched my arm when he was talking to me, looked at me often. I still thought she was making things up, but the thought was planted in my mind, and I started noticing more little things - he would ask me more questions than the rest of the class, but I'm the top student, so he was probably just stretching me. Or he'd ask me to change the pages of music while he was playing the piano, but that might've been just because he knew I could read music. I was determined not to let myself believe that he had feelings for me, because he's a teacher, and from my last experience with a teacher crush, I know that doesn't happen. And I still was vaguely in love with D, and wasn't ready to move on and like someone else.
At the end of January, the performing arts department were planning a trip to see the Lion King for drama students, but not enough people were able to go, so places were offered to my music class. I jumped at the chance (I'd always wanted to see that show!) and when I told Mr B I wanted to go, P immediately asked if he could go too. This gave me butterflies for some reason, which confused me a bit.
The day of the trip rolled around, and I found myself planning what to wear to look best. I wasn't sure why, but I really wanted to impress P. So I wore a new dress which made me look slim, and did my makeup nicely, and made sure my hair was okay. And the day went amaaaazingly well. I sat with T on the coach, and she made sure P and I kept talking - and we did! Basically all the way to the theatre (an hour away) we had a conversation. And then I sat by T, and we sat behind P, and kept making jokes to him. We joked about all sorts of stuff, like my caffeine addiction and his Pringles addiction hahaha. And the show was fantastic. We left in a good mood, and the journey back was really good as well - we got stuck in traffic so it took us nearly two hours to get back home. T was playing Temple Run on P's phone as he was listening to music, and he gave me the other earphone. So we were leaning really close to each other, over the aisle between the seats, and had another whole-journey conversation, and our knees were touching the whoooooole time. It was really nice.
At one point, I asked him about this ring he wears. He said "Oh, it's nothing that exciting! Got it off my grandparents a couple of years ago. But I can trick the younger students into thinking I'm married." *swaps ring to left hand* "See, sorry Chloe, I'm spoken for!" I was like... "What?" And he said "I'm sorry, see, I'm married." I spent ages wondering why he said 'sorry'...
There really are no huge significant events though. He was offered a job interview in a city a long way away, and I knew I had some feelings for him because a small part of me wanted him to not get it, just so that he'd be closer to me. The day before he was due to go for the interview, he was planning the lesson that he had to demonstrate to the interviewers. He was typing on his laptop, and I was doing coursework on the computer. He sat next to me, even though there were lots of other people in the room (including Mr B.) He was really struggling to think of ideas for his lesson, and typed "I'm screwed..." and turned his screen round to show me (because there was a lesson going on in the room, so we couldn't really talk.) I just smiled sympathetically. I was struggling myself, with my composition, and I kept noticing him looking at me. I whispered "What?" And he just smiled. So then I said "Look, I feel kind of like you have some sort of issue with me, and I don't understand what!" And he sort of laughed and shook his head with a smile on his face (he has an amazing smile) but with a sad look in his eyes. That really confused me. So then I carried on with my work, and he was still struggling. He turned his screen around, and I saw he'd typed "I think everything hates me..." So I took his laptop off him, and deleted what he'd typed, and said "I don't." And he looked me in the eye and gave me a really cute smile.
Another day, I was doing T's coursework with her, and P was in the room. T said something like "Ugh, it was better before I did that key change."
P: "Hindsight is a beautiful thing!"
T: "What?"
P: "I said hindsight is a beautiful thing..."
T: *being her cheeky self* "Ohh, I thought you said 'Chloe is a beautiful thing!'
P: "Hahahaha what!!"
T: "That's what it sounded like!!"
P: "How does 'hindsight' sound anything like 'Chloe'?!"
T: "What, so you don't think Chloe's a beautiful thing?"
P: "What, no, I didn't say that...!"
Me: *sat here awkwardly*
There have been other awkward moments too... Like when the three of us were just talking, and then out of the blue, T says "So is Chloe your best friend?" to P. And another time, she goes "Can we go out some time?" to P, and I burst into hysterics and she said "Oh God, I didn't mean it like that! Going out with you is Chloe's job..." Lots of awkwardness!
So, by this point I was beginning to have feelings for him, and T was convinced he liked me too (though I still wasn't sure - I'm not the girl that guys ever have feelings for!!) It was his last day in our school yesterday. And so I went to find him at lunch and say goodbye. I tried to think of a cute present or something to get him to say goodbye but I couldn't think of anything. I didn't even have the guts to get him a card, in case I said something stupid in it.
I walked into the room, and he was filling in a load of forms. Mr B was there too, so we just had a general conversation about what lessons I'd had that day, etc. P showed me a card a group of Year 8s had made for him which was really cute, and I said "Aw, if I hadn't fallen asleep so early, I'd have done something cute like that too!" He asked what like, and I said "I don't know... Like bought you a lifetime supply of Pringles or something!" And he smiled.
But then Mr B left to do some photocopying and the atmosphere in the room changed slightly. I went to sit next to P to "help with the forms" and I noticed for the first time how nice he smelled and it made me get a bit emotional because I'm not going to see him again until mid-March (he's coming back for our school concert) and after that, I may never see him ever again.
The conversation went a bit like this.
Him: "So, how are you today?"
Me: "Pretty good for once, actually!"
Him: "Aw, that's good! Makes a nice change!"
Me: "Well I don't want you remembering me as the miserable one!"
Him: "Of course I won't! I'll remember you as the one who was nice and always spoke to the younger students and got on with them really well, because that's rare in people your age."
Me: "Aw, thanks!"
*We carry on trying to figure out the forms when he suddenly starts speaking in a low, quiet, almost rough voice"
Him: "I need to say something while I still have the chance. When you... When you tweeted me a while ago... I think it was around Boxing Day... I had a bit of a nosey at your tweets. Wow, you silly, silly girl." *smiling and shaking his head*
Me: *panicking* "Oh God, what did I say?!"
Him: "It was nothing you said to me! Just one of your general tweets. Silly, silly girl."
Me: "What? What was it?"
Him: "It was just very negative. You really shouldn't worry so much about what other people think of you or how they see you. You... You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. I know sometimes you need someone else to tell you that for you to start believing it. But you really need to stop putting yourself down so much."
Me: "Oh... Well... That's incredibly sweet of you to say so."
Him: "And it's good nobody else was around to hear that because I would have been slapped."
Me: "Haha... Well..."
Him: "It's a shame you don't have Music this afternoon. It'd be nice to just relax and talk to you once I've got all my stuff signed off."
And then the bell went. I was totally lost for words. He'd been thinking about that for months, and felt he had to tell me I was a "beautiful, beautiful young lady." I couldn't stop smiling, but I also felt a bit like crying, and I wasn't sure why. I promised him I'd find him at the end of the day to say a proper goodbye, because he had to rush off. So I did, and T came with me (which I wasn't too happy about really - I wanted to talk to him alone!) But T just said goodbye to him and then left, giving me a little nudge and a wink. I walked with P to his car, and then we had the following conversation.
Me: "Okay, well, I don't know what tweets you saw, but I promise you, I'm not always that negative!"
Him: "It was just a generally negative tweet saying you weren't... as I said before. Which you know, you really shouldn't worry about."
Me: "Well really. Thank you."
Him: "Any time! If you ever need to talk, or you need help, with coursework or..."
Me: "Just life?"
Him: "Or just life! You know how to contact me. Probably through DM rather than tweet. I'd follow you, but they'll probably keep an eye on that sort of thing for a while."
Me: "Of course, yeah!"
Him: *getting into that quiet, intense voice again* "And, like I said a couple of weeks ago, it really doesn't have to be the last time we see each other. Obviously there's the concert next week, and we'll have to leave it a while, because of obvious reasons, but after that..."
Me: "That'd be really nice!"
Him: "And I'll try and be in touch... 24th of February, right?" (That's my birthday!)
Me: "Yup! I can't believe you remembered! I can't remember yours... May? June?"
Him: "Oh, mine's too far in the future to matter! I'm a good boy though, you see. I remembered your birthday!"
(By now we were near the front office so the conversation was naturally coming to an end because we had to go different ways.)
Me: "So..."
Him: *sort of bows*
(I thought this was an incredibly cute sign of respect and stuff, and it really touched me.)
Me: *teasing, and genuinely not expecting anything* "Is that the acceptable alternative to a hug between a student and teacher?"
Him: *pauses for a moment, eye contact*
Me: *oh god I've put him on the spot awkwardawkwardawkwa-*
Him: *holds arms out* Come on then.
*We hug for sliiiightly longer than I thought we would*
Me: "It's okay, I don't think anyone saw!"
Him: *smiles* "Bye, Chloe. Keep in touch, yeah?"
Me: "Hey, I'll be seeing you next month!"
Him: "That's true. But still. Speak soon?"
Me: "Sure! Byyeeeee." *walks off trying not to 'squee' out loud*
And I thought that would be it! I went through the rest of the evening feeling close to tears, just overwhelmed with emotion. No guy has ever called me beautiful to my face like that before. And I was just reeeeally going to miss him.
I do a lot of music, and I spent my evening at orchestra, where I actually did burst into tears. I was laughing and then started crying completely out of the blue. I tweeted something like "Spontaneously bursting into tears at orchestra sucks." And then later, I said "Emotions are stupid."
I was in bed, getting ready to go to sleep, and my phone buzzed. I picked it up and saw it was an email. I opened it, not thinking anything of it, but it was from Twitter and said "P has sent you a direct message on Twitter." I was like... whut. Opened the DM and it just said "Hey, hope everything is okay" and included a link to a beautiful piece of choral music. I cried again, it was way too sweet of him. He's not spoken to me on Twitter since the day of the concert when he needed to meet up with me to make sure I was okay! Problem is he still can't follow me, so I couldn't DM him back, but I sent him a normal tweet. But he can't reply to normal tweets because he's not meant to have contact with me. So it sucks a bit. We can't really talk (about a quarter of all my tweets recently are to him, it looks weird enough already!) so it really kind of sucks.
The last thing is he tweeted yesterday "Well that's my time at (school's name) done. Met some amazing people, really sad to leave." And today? He said "I think it's just sunk in that I'm not going back after half term. The feeling of euphoria from having made it this far has just been replaced by a kind of emptiness." Obviously, those aren't specifically about me. But still.
So yeah! I don't even think anyone will have read this far, but if you have... what do you think? Is he just being friendly or...? I mean, he says I'm a "beautiful, beautiful young lady." And he remembered my birthday. And he is kind of flirty. But I'm just not... attractive!! I can't see how he would have feelings for me!
And best of luck to all you guys :) I'll update next time I see him... In March :(
By:
blumemusik
Age:
16-17
,
Female
