Somewhere I Belong
I want some support with this and don't know where else to turn.
~43 and 19. 24 years. Does it matter? Is age really a number? The one thing I have to admit to myself is that someday, given that gap, he's going to be gone. I feel that 30+ years with someone that you really feel a connection with is so much more important than a relationship without that spark that could last for 50.
I really love him.
We're both adults, so I suppose it's a little different than some of the stories I've read here, but there's still that sense of unfulfilled longing. He's still my teacher and it could get us into a lot of trouble.
I know he really likes me for who I am. Loving me is still in question. There's no apple stuck in my throat. Around my friends I'm a really bubbly energetic person, but around him I feel like I can just relax and be the mellow me that I am when I'm alone. We can be quiet and just looking at the view outside. The sun was filtering through the clouds and I simply said that it looked beautiful. I would have felt stupid saying that to anyone else, but it was completely natural and unembarassing with him.
I walk with him side-by-side, sometimes grazing shoulders, and it doesn't matter. There's have been literal sparks like something out of a movie, and there's always a twinkle in his eyes when he smiles at me. The other day he told me how teaching can be hard for him when his students don't improve. That makes him feel like...well, not a failure, but bad just the same. That's the first time he ever trusted me with how he really feels sometimes. He exhausted look on his face and in his posture, I really wanted to go and hold him. Protect him from anything that could possibly hurt him. He's to special as a person and a teacher to ever have anyone let him down.
We hug often, but I wish we could HOLD each other. Cherish the other's company and never want to let the other go. We sit close and I wish I could just hold his hand and feel its warmth spread all the way to my heart. He's so warm. His heart and spirit are so beautiful.
No one knows how I feel save for one friend, and she's never said anything to make fun. In fact, she thinks that the way I feel is precious and wishes me the best of luck. His parents think I'm a nice young lady from what I can gather. His dad has a knack for causing an embarassing tension between the two of us, even though we aren't technically in a relationship and there's nothing for him to tease us about but it's still funny.
Once when we met at my work, (I have a pretty lenient job so I can talk to people when they come through) he grinned and looked away quickly as I came running up to meet him. He may be close to 25 years my senior, but he's still just a little kid. If I could see his heart it would probably have been fluttering like a tiny bird.
He's really precious to me. My folks would probably say I'm being crazy or that it's just some sort of teenage crush come late.
He leaves town for the summer every year. Last year I could see him off. This year I probably won't be able to, and I'm debating what to do. I'll probably hug him one last time before he leaves. Usually they're pretty brief, but I'm thinking about resisting letting go when he tries to. "I won't see you for a few months. Please, let's just stay like this a little longer." That's what I'd like to say, but I still feel the hesitation of not wanting to lose his him as a fabulous teacher, and a dear friend if he doesn't return my feelings.
They're so strong, but I still feel lost. I feel I've found a place where I belong, but I don't know where I am. He's such a big part of me now. I've had crushes on guys my age, sure, but never have I felt this way about anyone else. Never like I can be completely open about anything except this big gaping problem.
If anyone out there could give me some advice or encouragement, I could really use some right about now.