It's been nearly five years since I fell in love with him now, and I haven't seen him in about a year and a half. I miss him. He's such a big part of my life, but I'm just a little blip in his. It's just...hard. I very recently discovered that he has a girlfriend...today, actually. Realistically, I guess I already knew he would have one - it wouldn't make any sense if he didn't. I always thought I'd be able to deal with it if he did, but it's more upsetting to know for a fact that he does, rather than just assuming he does. What makes it worse is that she's only three years older than me. It should be me. I found her MySpace and they're on a trip together right now. She just graduated from college. It makes me frustrated. It's crazy to think this, but I know how much better we'd be together. It's not even a question. I thought...I thought when I saw him again I'd be able to, I don't know, seduce him or something. I thought something would happen. Obviously...not. Not if he's a good boyfriend, anyway. This is the only place I can express my emotions about all of this, besides in my journal, because none of my friends like hearing about it and of course my parents have no idea. I need someone to talk to, and this is the best I can get. I'm going on a trip myself in a couple of days, and I guess it will be good to get away for a little while. But I know when I get back I'll want to contact him. Will I be able to act like a normal person around him? Will I accidentally blurt something out about his girlfriend? Can I act like it doesn't matter to me? I need to go on with my life, but all I feel like doing is crawling into bed and staying there for a very long time.
I wrote him a letter, confessing just about everything. I may or may not send it.
Update: I saw him yesterday; we had coffee. He's as perfect as ever. My hands were shaking as I got out of my car, but I quickly felt more at ease after my initial nervousness. I am sure now that no matter what, I need to send the letter. It may mean that he will never see me the same way again, that he may not want to speak to me, but I have to take the risk.