Losing Hope

It's been nearly five years since I fell in love with him now, and I haven't seen him in about a year and a half.  I miss him.  He's such a big part of my life, but I'm just a little blip in his.  It's just...hard.  I very recently discovered that he has a girlfriend...today, actually.  Realistically, I guess I already knew he would have one - it wouldn't make any sense if he didn't.  I always thought I'd be able to deal with it if he did, but it's more upsetting to know for a fact that he does, rather than just assuming he does.  What makes it worse is that she's only three years older than me.  It should be me.  I found her MySpace and they're on a trip together right now.  She just graduated from college.  It makes me frustrated.  It's crazy to think this, but I know how much better we'd be together.  It's not even a question.  I thought...I thought when I saw him again I'd be able to, I don't know, seduce him or something.  I thought something would happen.  Obviously...not.  Not if he's a good boyfriend, anyway.  This is the only place I can express my emotions about all of this, besides in my journal, because none of my friends like hearing about it and of course my parents have no idea.  I need someone to talk to, and this is the best I can get.  I'm going on a trip myself in a couple of days, and I guess it will be good to get away for a little while.  But I know when I get back I'll want to contact him.  Will I be able to act like a normal person around him?  Will I accidentally blurt something out about his girlfriend?  Can I act like it doesn't matter to me?  I need to go on with my life, but all I feel like doing is crawling into bed and staying there for a very long time.

I wrote him a letter, confessing just about everything.  I may or may not send it. 

Update:  I saw him yesterday; we had coffee.  He's as perfect as ever.  My hands were shaking as I got out of my car, but I quickly felt more at ease after my initial nervousness.  I am sure now that no matter what, I need to send the letter.  It may mean that he will never see me the same way again, that he may not want to speak to me, but I have to take the risk.