Losing Hope

It's been nearly five years since I fell in love with him now, and I haven't seen him in about a year and a half.  I miss him.  He's such a big part of my life, but I'm just a little blip in his.  It's just...hard.  I very recently discovered that he has a girlfriend...today, actually.  Realistically, I guess I already knew he would have one - it wouldn't make any sense if he didn't.  I always thought I'd be able to deal with it if he did, but it's more upsetting to know for a fact that he does, rather than just assuming he does.  What makes it worse is that she's only three years older than me.  It should be me.  I found her MySpace and they're on a trip together right now.  She just graduated from college.  It makes me frustrated.  It's crazy to think this, but I know how much better we'd be together.  It's not even a question.  I thought...I thought when I saw him again I'd be able to, I don't know, seduce him or something.  I thought something would happen.  Obviously...not.  Not if he's a good boyfriend, anyway.  This is the only place I can express my emotions about all of this, besides in my journal, because none of my friends like hearing about it and of course my parents have no idea.  I need someone to talk to, and this is the best I can get.  I'm going on a trip myself in a couple of days, and I guess it will be good to get away for a little while.  But I know when I get back I'll want to contact him.  Will I be able to act like a normal person around him?  Will I accidentally blurt something out about his girlfriend?  Can I act like it doesn't matter to me?  I need to go on with my life, but all I feel like doing is crawling into bed and staying there for a very long time.

I wrote him a letter, confessing just about everything.  I may or may not send it. 

Update:  I saw him yesterday; we had coffee.  He's as perfect as ever.  My hands were shaking as I got out of my car, but I quickly felt more at ease after my initial nervousness.  I am sure now that no matter what, I need to send the letter.  It may mean that he will never see me the same way again, that he may not want to speak to me, but I have to take the risk.

cityondown78 cityondown78
18-21, F
4 Responses Aug 12, 2009

I was teaching at an all girls school I fell in love with a 15 year old I organised to take her on a holiday ( long story ) it was amazing her parents consented we went to a country mansion nothing happened ( i wanted too ) we had been in love with each other for years when she turned 17 I just picked her up from the boarding school and she has lived with me ever since longest best relationship ever. we have a kid and i am the happiest man alive. I am 20 years older . I love her so much I just wish soem relatives and friends would see it. she has a small frame short petite body and rather large breasts she looks alot younger than she is. people still think I am going out with a teenager. part of the emotional thing is very mature but the fantasy of her is very strong I like the idea of her looking like a teenager. she once came into the bedroom wearing her old school uniform and blew me away and told me how she felt all those years and everything she wanted to do to me. I was tormented for years. so hang in there.

How long has he been with the girlfriend? You say you fell in love with him 5 years ago, which strikes me as a long time to be with someone. He probably met her after he met you.

i really know how you feel and how much you miss him as i feel the same about my teacher only i have been going through this for 13 yrs. i would love to tell him but i dont even know where he is and have not since him since i was 11. the pain is unbearable. i would do anything for him and anything for him to know how i feel about him.

I empathize completly. It is a hurt that aches in the body ,mind and soul. If you do decide to send the letter, know that you are very brave. That is somthing im not sure i could do.