I Love Someone I Cannot Have

We were high school sweethearts, and she was the sweetest and kindest girl in the world. I remember the first time I said something funny at school and her eyes sparkled and she had the most beautiful smile and laugh. I was hooked! She made me feel at ease and I could talk to her about anything. She was fun and loved to laugh and made every conversation interesting. Her kisses were intoxicating. We dated but I was a prideful jerk and immature and I took her for granted. We broke up and I had too much pride and was really too much of a coward to apologize. I also really didn't believe she could ever forgive me.
I thought it would be easy to just find another girl like her, but I never did. We married different people - my marriage to a hateful girl ended quickly. She married a guy and supported him through school and they had 2 children. At school reunions, she looked so vibrant and happy and seemed to have the perfect life so I was very happy for her. We lost touch with each other for about 10 years.
I stayed alone, dating from time to time but never finding anyone that I really connected with. I thought about her sometimes, and it always gave me both warm feelings and feelings of regret. Someone asked me if I ever had been in love and I could only think of her. It had been a little over 20 years since we had dated and a friend on Facebook told me he saw her husband on Facebook and that he was re-married. I thought the worst, but had no idea where she was and no one seemed to have any idea how or where to contact her.
A year later my mother passed away. A mutual friend ran into her and mentioned my mother's death and she asked for my email address. I was in a very low point in my life - alone and depressed and just lost my mother, when I got an email from her saying how sorry she was about my mom and to please contact her. I couldn't believe it was her.
I replied and we began emailing each other every 2 or 3 days because she could only use her computer at work. She worked for a company that was a client of the company I worked for, and she lived only 5 minutes away from me - such a small world. Her husband had cheated on her and they divorced and he married the woman he had cheated with. They had joint custody of their children who were now in their early teens. She had been under so much stress from her bad marriage that it had nearly killed her. I was so relieved she was doing better, but she made it sound as if she was so alone.
She then revealed that she had a new boyfriend, and had been dating him for nearly 4 years. I was surprised since she hadn't mentioned him at first, but relived she wasn't alone. We continued talking and the more we talked, the more it seemed like 20 years had never gone by. She was very much the same girl, loving to laugh and every conversation so interesting. She told me where she went to church and invited me to visit, and when I saw her I was amazed - her eyes still sparkled and she still had the most beautiful smile, and the same laugh. She introduced me to her boyfriend. She had already told him that we had dated in school and he seemed uncomfortable talking to me, never giving me eye contact.
She had noticed how easy it was for us to talk and the more we talked the more and more we felt like we connected on so many levels. We remembered so much about each other and knew exactly what the other was thinking all the time. Sometimes we'd flirt a little. She told me if I had only apologized to her the next day years ago, we would have gotten back together. After a few months of talking almost every day, she began confiding in me some things about her boyfriend, and now I was beginning to worry.
She had already been through a horrible marriage, and now she was revealing that this new guy was not very attentive and made her feel very alone. The things she told me made him sound very controlling, manipulative and selfish. I knew she was the type of person who looked for the best in people and would try to overlook the worst, to the point that her own happiness came last. I finally told her what I thought about this guy, and we began to grow closer. After a few more months, we were at the point of talking about her leaving this guy and being together.
Her boyfriend was beginning to say that he felt like he was losing her. The day she was going to end things with him, he took her out to dinner and they had a long talk and she told me she had decided to break up with him and not be with anyone. I backed off and gave her some space, but the boyfriend didn't and I'm sure he was making her feel guilty and manipulating her. A couple months later, they were back together, and the boyfriend was going over the top with all the kindness that he had not been giving her.
She told me he was acting like the man she had always hoped he would be. I didn't like it and told her so, but I told her as long as he was good to her and she was happy, that I would be supportive of it. The next 4 months they seemed to be doing fine, and she and I would talk from time to time. She told me that he still seemed uncomfortable around me, so she had backed off from me for his benefit.
Around Thanksgiving, we began talking more and more. Her boyfriend was doing so much better, and even talking about wanting to get married after 4 years of showing no interest. But after her boyfriend would go home, or she'd leave his home, she would call me, and we would talk for hours. We have told each other how much we love each other, but she is still with this guy and I still don't believe he is all he is portraying himself to be, and that he just saw he was about to lose her. She wants to be fair with him, and give him the benefit of the doubt.
I don't know where this will go from here. I crave her like a drug, and when I'm talking with her I feel more alive than ever. She calls me to tell me every detail of her life and and we laugh together after her boyfriend is not around. I think she knows she doesn't want to be with this guy, but she's still with him.
kel76135 kel76135
Dec 29, 2010