It's Complicated... Really Complicated.This is a long story, so I will try to keep it to a minimum. OK... here goes...
I am in love with someone I cannot be with and with a man I cannot love...
The man I love and I go way back. We dated for a while when we were in junior high. Around 13 years ago. I really liked him a lot but our relationship was sorta long distance because he lived on the other side of town and seeing as we were kids we didn’t have the freedom to see each other as we wished. So we wrote back and forth, lots of sweet things... Then he just disappeared. Well I moved on and it wasn’t long before I met the man I eventually married and had kids with. I always made it a point to try and get in contact with people from my past. I want to know that the people who are important to me are still OK. Well my marriage was doomed before it started; I won’t go into details about all that. That is for another forum =P I found the man I love on MySpace during my normal search for different people from my past and discovered that after he disappeared he fell in love with the woman that HE married and had children with. It was incredible how similar our lives had been. We both married Hispanic people who were abusive in many ways, we both eventually joined the military, we both had one girl and one boy and our sons even have the same name! Well we didn’t talk a whole lot after I found him again. And I never actually considered him as ever being a real part of my life again. About a year later I left my husband and the man I loved stepped right up and was there to support me and help me get through what was one of the hardest times in my life. We talked online for months and I discovered how miserable he was in his marriage and that he had been planning to leave her as soon as she got a job and was able to support herself a little bit. He started to make hints that he wanted to be with me and that he thought that we were meant to be. I resisted for a while. And he told me he was taking military leave soon and that he was going to come back to his hometown to see me instead of spending it with his family. I eventually fell head over heels for him and our plans went from; maybe we will hang out when he comes down, to he can sleep on my couch while he is down, to we are going to get a motel for a couple of days and bask in our love for one another.
Well, he came down and it was absolutely wonderful. There were a few things that bothered me though, a few things he said and did that made me know that he was scared and was not sure he was doing the right thing. Then the day came for him to leave and I was a tearful wreck and he told me that when he got back to his ba
After he got home, things changed. His contact started to get less and then eventually dried up completely. I spent months and months writing emails to him telling him how I felt and how much I loved him. In the little contact that we had before he up and disappeared on me he told me that he didn’t think it was fair for me to be alone for the two years (at least) I would have to wait for him to get out of the military and leave his wife. He encouraged me to look into dating others. I did NOT want to. He continued to insist so finally I did it. I went on a dating site, made a profile and wasted my time answering emails from a bunch of guys who didn’t interest me a bit. All the while my love was refusing to contact me. I ended up talking to the guy I am currently with and after a couple of hesitant meetings we decided to have a relationship.
This is the man I am with but cannot love. I have been with him for 2 years now. We have a lot on common and we have personalities that seriously complement each other. Add that to the fact that he is the only person I have ever met that is more honest than I was and fair and willing to work with me on problems and always concerned about how I feel on a matter. A complete breath of fresh air! I do love him but I am not in love with him... Yeah we have all heard that before... There are a few things tho that are huge problems in our relationship (again a story for another post) that show me that our relationship will eventually fail. For better than a year of my new relationship I was still completely sprung for the man I love and even broke up with the guy I am with at one point partially because of that. Then one night I got a call from the mans I love's wife. She told me that she knew that we had been together and that she called me to find out the facts because she had caught him cheating on her with a friend of hers. I told her everything that happened and after that call I finally felt that my heart had been freed and that I was finally over this guy.
Guess I was wrong. After more than two years from the last time we were together he wrote me... He had gotten out of the military and moved back to his home town. Which is of course where I live. Of course I tore him a new one! he apologized over and over and told me everything that had happened and told me about the other woman he was with and how he fell for her because he thought he would never see me again and she made him feel important again and then he found out that she was just using him for his body while her husband was deployed. He told me that he realized that I was the only one who never used him for anything and that truly loved him. He hoped that we could start over and I would give him another chance. I resisted again of course. But I did not last long. I confided in him that my current relationship was pretty much doomed and he told me that he was still trying to leave his wife but that it was complicated because she has some mental issues. They have had an open marriage for years but she didn’t want him to see me because we have "history". So he came up with this brilliant plan for us to see each other and it worked! Well once anyways. I am very ashamed to say that I cheated on the man I am with for the man that I love. Though there is no excuse, I hope you can understand my reasons. I love this man and I have honestly never wanted anything like I wanted him. The chemistry was ridiculous and was also out of my realm of experience. I do want to point out that he is not amazing in bed but that I want him like I have never wanted another. To be quite honest sex is better with my boyfriend just more fulfilling on many levels with the man I love.
Anyways. We were writing to each other for a few days afterward and planning another tryst later that week when his communication fell off again. I ripped him yet another new one telling him that he was on thin ice as it is and that he had no room for bullshit. I told him that if I walked away again I would never come back. I gave him a time limit to reply and he made it with time to spare. He said he was sorry that a lot of things were happening and he couldn’t talk because his wife was all over him watching him like a hawk. I said alright and then after four days of nothing, I told him that he was wasting my time. He then replied and said that his wife had found out about everything and that he was really unable to talk right now, but that he would as soon as he could. I know it is total creeper status but I had been watching his and his wife’s Facebook page and what I have seen there backs up what he said.
But here I am again... waiting and wishing and stuck with a man I can’t love and loving a man I can’t be with...
any thoughts? Advice? I could use some =/