It's Complicated... Really Complicated.

This is a long story, so I will try to keep it to a minimum. OK... here goes...

I am in love with someone I cannot be with and with a man I cannot love...

The man I love and I go way back. We dated for a while when we were in junior high. Around 13 years ago. I really liked him a lot but our relationship was sorta long distance because he lived on the other side of town and seeing as we were kids we didn’t have the freedom to see each other as we wished. So we wrote back and forth, lots of sweet things... Then he just disappeared. Well I moved on and it wasn’t long before I met the man I eventually married and had kids with. I always made it a point to try and get in contact with people from my past. I want to know that the people who are important to me are still OK. Well my marriage was doomed before it started; I won’t go into details about all that. That is for another forum =P  I found the man I love on MySpace during my normal search for different people from my past and discovered that after he disappeared he fell in love with the woman that HE married and had children with. It was incredible how similar our lives had been. We both married Hispanic people who were abusive in many ways, we both eventually joined the military, we both had one girl and one boy and our sons even have the same name! Well we didn’t talk a whole lot after I found him again. And I never actually considered him as ever being a real part of my life again. About a year later I left my husband and the man I loved stepped right up and was there to support me and help me get through what was one of the hardest times in my life. We talked online for months and I discovered how miserable he was in his marriage and that he had been planning to leave her as soon as she got a job and was able to support herself a little bit. He started to make hints that he wanted to be with me and that he thought that we were meant to be. I resisted for a while. And he told me he was taking military leave soon and that he was going to come back to his hometown to see me instead of spending it with his family. I eventually fell head over heels for him and our plans went from; maybe we will hang out when he comes down, to he can sleep on my couch while he is down, to we are going to get a motel for a couple of days and bask in our love for one another.
Well, he came down and it was absolutely wonderful. There were a few things that bothered me though, a few things he said and did that made me know that he was scared and was not sure he was doing the right thing. Then the day came for him to leave and I was a tearful wreck and he told me that when he got back to his base he was going to send me a promise ring, so that I would have physical proof that he meant what he said. I waited super impatiently for him to get all the way back and be able to talk to me again.
After he got home, things changed. His contact started to get less and then eventually dried up completely. I spent months and months writing emails to him telling him how I felt and how much I loved him. In the little contact that we had before he up and disappeared on me he told me that he didn’t think it was fair for me to be alone for the two years (at least) I would have to wait for him to get out of the military and leave his wife. He encouraged me to look into dating others. I did NOT want to. He continued to insist so finally I did it. I went on a dating site, made a profile and wasted my time answering emails from a bunch of guys who didn’t interest me a bit. All the while my love was refusing to contact me. I ended up talking to the guy I am currently with and after a couple of hesitant meetings we decided to have a relationship.
This is the man I am with but cannot love. I have been with him for 2 years now. We have a lot on common and we have personalities that seriously complement each other. Add that to the fact that he is the only person I have ever met that is more honest than I was and fair and willing to work with me on problems and always concerned about how I feel on a matter. A complete breath of fresh air! I do love him but I am not in love with him... Yeah we have all heard that before... There are a few things tho that are huge problems in our relationship (again a story for another post) that show me that our relationship will eventually fail.  For better than a year of my new relationship I was still completely sprung for the man I love and even broke up with the guy I am with at one point partially because of that. Then one night I got a call from the mans I love's wife. She told me that she knew that we had been together and that she called me to find out the facts because she had caught him cheating on her with a friend of hers. I told her everything that happened and after that call I finally felt that my heart had been freed and that I was finally over this guy.

Guess I was wrong. After more than two years from the last time we were together he wrote me... He had gotten out of the military and moved back to his home town. Which is of course where I live. Of course I tore him a new one! he apologized over and over and told me everything that had happened and told me about the other woman he was with and how he fell for her because he thought he would never see me again and she made him feel important again and then he found out that she was just using him for his body while her husband was deployed. He told me that he realized that I was the only one who never used him for anything and that truly loved him. He hoped that we could start over and I would give him another chance. I resisted again of course. But I did not last long. I confided in him that my current relationship was pretty much doomed and he told me that he was still trying to leave his wife but that it was complicated because she has some mental issues. They have had an open marriage for years but she didn’t want him to see me because we have "history". So he came up with this brilliant plan for us to see each other and it worked! Well once anyways. I am very ashamed to say that I cheated on the man I am with for the man that I love. Though there is no excuse, I hope you can understand my reasons. I love this man and I have honestly never wanted anything like I wanted him. The chemistry was ridiculous and was also out of my realm of experience. I do want to point out that he is not amazing in bed but that I want him like I have never wanted another. To be quite honest sex is better with my boyfriend just more fulfilling on many levels with the man I love.

Anyways. We were writing to each other for a few days afterward and planning another tryst later that week when his communication fell off again. I ripped him yet another new one telling him that he was on thin ice as it is and that he had no room for bullshit. I told him that if I walked away again I would never come back. I gave him a time limit to reply and he made it with time to spare. He said he was sorry that a lot of things were happening and he couldn’t talk because his wife was all over him watching him like a hawk. I said alright and then after four days of nothing, I told him that he was wasting my time. He then replied and said that his wife had found out about everything and that he was really unable to talk right now, but that he would as soon as he could. I know it is total creeper status but I had been watching his and his wife’s Facebook page and what I have seen there backs up what he said.
But here I am again... waiting and wishing and stuck with a man I can’t love and loving a man I can’t be with...

any thoughts? Advice?  I could use some =/
Pickleface69 Pickleface69
6 Responses Jan 22, 2012

How can someone who username is "confusedrelationship" make a blanket judgment like "Affairs are entered into by self-centered cowards......." Nothing in the human condition is that black and white. Not difficult to understand why they're so "confused". It certainly shows how little experience they possess when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Try not to put too much stock in the opinions of people who place judgements on everyone else's actions whilst disregarding their own shortcomings

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but what do you expect from a man who cheats on his wife? If he knows how infatuated you are with him, he'll always come back for sex. I don't care how bad a relationship is, if you cheat and lie then you are a cheater and liar. Plus infidelity is the biggest lie that goes against the wedding vows. Affairs are entered into by self centered cowards because they only care about their own feelings with a total disregard to everyone around them. <br />
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I can understand how difficult it must be to get over a crush and sometimes it may never leave. You may have to live with the fantasy and dreams in order to rebuild your integrity of being with a married man. I'm sure there are a lot of people in similar situations who will blame people who are not cheating as the reason for infidelity but I guess that helps them sleep at night. The only person who can stop an affair are the people having it an they need to make a fundamental choice of self being "am I an honest and trustworthy person or self indulged liar?". Sorry for being harsh but there would be a lot less heart break if we can see it from the other side. Good luck but get out.

I feel your pain..I wish I could offer advice...but I'm in the same boat! I am in love with a married man as well...and I know he loves me! He is in a verbally abusive relationship with his wife..and they are miserable together! They sleep in seperate rooms even. He did leave his family twice to be with me..but the last time he moved out while I was at work! Didnt get to say goodbye or anything! He has cut off all contacts with me becuase he cant be with me (he has 2 boys he had a very very hard time leaving) He has called 2 times since he has been gone saying he misses me and loves me! I'm so heartbroken..he is the only person I want to see and talk to! I miss him so much..and its hard to move on when you know we both love each other and want to be for some reason...we cant!

Please don't pursue this relationship because you only know his side. If you turned away from him at the beginning and he did not have an option maybe he would have focused on his failing marriage where two children are going to be devastated. I feel bad for both of you but worse for his wife and children. If his marriage is that bad, he should get divorced and enter into another relationship after his existing relationship is over. Step back and let it take it's course. If his marriage is done it will end and if he loves you he will come to you then. You will both feel better in the long run and try to build a relationship that didn't begin on deceit. You will be much happier no matter how difficult it is now. Beat of luck to all of you. This is a very sad situation for you and that family.

Also in a similar situation but married with kids. My marriage is good, just no chemistry like I had with the other guy (who has been single for years now). I force myself to limit contact with my love (email only) because I do not want to break up my marriage and hurt my kids.

If your marriage is good then stop tempting yourself. Make your marriage better and be honest with your husband about your feelings. It will devestate him initially but if you explain that you are telling him because you love him and are willing to give up this obsessive crush then I would gamble that your already good marriage will get better. You can turn this into a role play game. Men need to hear what you really want an as hard as it is to hear, if you want another man in the long run you were honest and did the right thing, selflessly like a person of excellent moral fiber. No one can change how they feel we can only change how we act on those feelings. And stop communicating with this other guy in any way. It is extremely disrespectful to your husband and family. Plus do you want to be with a man who is willing to enter into this with a married woman. I know it makes you feel special in a way your husband can't because the playing ground is totally tilted for him. He is the sympathetic ear when times are tough and that should only be the job of your husband. I only wish someone would have said these things to the woman I love. I hope you do what is right for your family and long term happiness because honesty is the best policy.

Thank you for your input, I appreciate your thoughts.
Are you advising that I tell my husband that I have feelings for this other man (for over 20 years now)? What if I told you my husband has known this all along? When we began dating 16 years ago I told him I loved someone else and never really got over him. My now-husband was willing to deal with that. The one I love was and is still unfortunately very unreliable and could not commit (still has not at over 40 years old and several relationships). My decision to stay with my now-husband was one of the head, not of the heart. It continues to be this way. Over 20 years this other man and I have remained in contact as friends and my heart has yearned for him, my feelings have caused my marriage to be put on the rocks more than a few times, but in the end it's always my head talking my heart out of taking action. It requires a lot of energy and causes cycles of heartache. I wish I were able to just cut the line but I'm not there yet, and don't know if I ever will be.

i'm in the same boat. i wish that i could be with my crush but, i'm married with kids. maybe we can console each other. lol.

Thanks for the comment and the hug! ^w^ It helps a little =) I am a little disappointed tho that I have not been getting any comments, so thanks again for taking the time.