Always Been The Case Here.

I used to believe it was something we went through during childhood. When I reached 13, I was in love with the psycho next door who'd been done for aggravated burglary etc. It wasn't not being able to have him that hurt alone, but being called a sl@g by him all the time, especially when I was one of the few not going off at night.

I always say I spent 2 years loving him, the rest of My life hating him for all the verbal and abuse and threats (which stopped when I was over 16 and not vulnerable enough for him to victimise) but that's a whole other story and I'm glad I don't live in Brighton any more.

It became a regular scenario: I longed for someone I couldn't have, and ached inside when I found out how non-existent I was in their world. Although it should be a compliment, when people say "you can have any man you want" it's also very frustrating.
What I think makes My situation worse is the fact My friends and acquaintances have rubbed it in. And YES, that can happen when you tolerate too much for too long!
It's bad enough hearing "everyone hates you" or "they don't want to know you" so at least it warned Me never to trust anyone with who I deeply wanted. ..Even though I did, but to two people who knew how to manipulate enough for you to trust them at first. Back in 03'-04', I met someone I really liked. He wasn't like the others. There was non of this "bad guy" rubbish. I'd been put off that type when I was 15, which at least was good. This MAN was a beautiful soul! But what made it impossible was that others couldn't wait to get there, putting the poison down.
When we first met, there was none of that "let's be crude to show off" business. No. This guy was a man, a gentleman. Yet apart from My Mum, everyone who claimed to be a friend, had to find a problem with him. Of course, I was a different person then. I wasn't strict enough with "friends" such as that male friend who claimed to care about Me yet apart from giving him daggers when he saw him, he rubs it in when... guess what? This guy thought I didn't want him, so he backed off as most of the more shy men do. See everyone wants a 'bad boy' EXCEPT ME! And the arrogant men I knew who were supposedly friends with that guy, couldn't stand the fact I wanted the cute, attractive blonde, rather than the crude, conceited baddie who bragged about having all these women who clearly didn't care how many STD's they could catch. To Me, the bad boy is nothing but damaged goods. A man wh0re. And I hate it when nice guys turn bad, just as you men use loose women, then find a nice one for keeps. Only I don't use these dirty criminal types (not literally. I don't judge people for their past, but it sickens Me when they brag about it.) I wont even touch them.
So I lost out, in spite of certain men saying he used Me, never wanted Me. (And I don't care if a certain someone's reading this because you'll scare of the nice ones with your oppression, but you couldn't get rid of the one who made My life a misery. And it's no use saying you were different back then because you still do it! Only you come across as the downtrodden angel to everyone else!) Am I bitter? Sure!
If I couldn't have had him anyway, fair enough. In fact that would mean I hadn't wasted My one chance of someone special. But how would anyone out there like it if you were pining for someone, then turned to your close friend or ONLY real friend, and said "The thing is, I still care about so-and-so." Then their response as their lips turn into an overly amused grin: "Yeah well he don't seem to care about you, does he!"
And you have to hide your tears when you know they're getting pleasure out of them.

But although this bitterness over never having the one I want, wont ever make Me hurt someone the way I was hurt--not always by the one I wanted, I refuse to put up with what I did before. I didn't settle for second best.. Or third.. I settled for the ones that wanted Me because I thought that was all I could get. Looks have little to do with it--seriously! I see something in guys that many find unattractive because they seem to go with what the crowd wants? I don't know. But I would often try to convince Myself that I wanted the one who wanted Me. Especially when they're friends and relatives were the ones to tell Me how they felt about Me, not caring that I wanted someone else. I never dared tell them who, but they were quick to pipe up about their friend with "Yeah but he wants you! How do you think HE will feel?"
"Well how do you think I feel after losing out so many times, only to find that those that once wanted Me, settled down and were happy in the end anyway?!"
Never again will I put up with that! The next time someone tries that one, tries guilt tripping, I'll march them over to the guy and ask them if they want Me to go out with him out of pity!! You know, no matter how much rejection I've had, even though I wouldn't let on how I felt, I couldn't do what some of those guys have done, If any of those guys I wanted had said yes and I found out it was from them finding out I wanted them, I'd have died of shame!
I don't know if that man was the one for Me, but I wouldn't look him up. I'd want him to be happy, but I wouldn't want to find out from someone, other ex-friends or acquaintances who would tell Me with this smirk that made it look like they were getting so much enjoyment out of it, they were feeling some live movement in their pants!
I don't even have his last name and perhaps for the better. I knew he had got married a year later. A female "friend" told Me, adding "it wont laaaast!" why? Because he really wanted her. Then she went on to brag about sleeping with his brother, then telling him just to hurt him. Well that fact alone made Me glad he was married, even if I missed out, he deserved better than that friend who often boasted about the sort of thing.

I think that before I even think of finding love, which I doubt I will, I need to have true friends around Me who actually consider My feelings. I used to think I couldn't have female friends because unlike them, I don't like gossip and all the pointless stuff, usually involving seeing others hurt. But then I've had male friends who've said they loved Me and were jealous. I don't believe that. If you love someone you cant have, you don't enjoy seeing them hurt the way they did and didn't even try to hide it. You don't post status's about the one you want, you cannot have after swearing you've changed since years ago, but still doing your best to gain sympathy from our mutual friends when you know full well that person is already hurting and doesn't have a friend in the world to trust with it. When you love someone, you love them unconditionally. I don't believe that any of the men who claimed to love Me ever did, except one in June 98'. The rest wanted a trophy and they didn't care how they got it. Many ask why I'm single a lot of the time. Well I don't go for anything serious because I refuse to waste Myself on those that don't deserve Me. The ones that I didn't love, but I still showed them another kind of love that very few women would waste their time doing, only for them to hurt Me emotionally, until I ditched them finally, ignoring their friends. That's why I despise women who cheat and expect others to cover for their affairs when they know they can treat them that way because men seem to like that as much as most women like a bad guy.

Bright side of all this? No one gets to break My heart because I wont care enough any more.
It's not the end of the world. Some cant have children. I'll never find someone who loves Me as much as I want him. But this time I have a new attitude: When a man wants Me and I'm not interested? Welcome to My world!

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2 Responses May 10, 2012

i well understand! I think we have few "pains" in common! I even suffered a worse thing! You know who always backstab me an rub it in in front of others even strangers? He is my father! Enjoys telling others about my freaks and silly mistakes i've done in my childhood, in a try to justify his meanness and sabotage of my life and the whole family by gambling! Its a couple of weeks only when he spilled the beans to my best friends, who came to spend in my house a couple of days! Just silly things that are really meaningless childhood mistakes that almost every kid goes through! He always exaggarates and pleasurely regurgitates it in front of others! OMG how much i resent and desdain him!!<br /><br />
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Wish you come over it all to get a better life and meet the one who really understands and deserves you!!

you wont believe how much i "peacefully" tried to have him quit in void! I am sure he never cares even if half of us died! A stone like heart! Once my mother needed a surgery, all he was thinking about is to bring the bills papers to beg the charity communities for a financial! We didnt give him the papers! Oooh let me forget this phase! He is really nasty and mean! And that s true, he tries to play the role of the victim father whose kids are ungrateful to him! Plays the sick and makes of his chronic diseases a reason tat we shouldnt drag out his anger! You know! I summed it all up to one thing! I dont speak to him even a "hi", treat him like not there, and never sit in a place involving him! Never respond to his silly sayings when he speaks like a dumb fool! That makes him half a crazy! Yet what makes him really crazy is that i "dont give him even a pennie" he cant declare it! But it clearly shows in his ugly face! Btw, i guess i didnt see him or talked to him more than few hours as a total for the whole of my life! When i was a kid i was absorbed into my little world of booklets and few hand crafts i used to do and love! When grown older, i always declined his way od treating my mom, so run away to my world too! Couldnt look him in the face while verbally abusing my mother!
In mature years, when i started to work, he wanted my money, so i stopped this manipulation from the first year, so i turned his forever enemy! Fool!
I hope i didnt burden you, but its just to know that there are dads "cooler" than urs and i know this "so what?" tone! Nearly hear it every night my mother fights with him for a new loss! Oh i guess thses dads shouldnt even marry to bring kids!

i lately discovered something! And it is really tough to say yet relieving eventually! The whole pain story concerning our fathers comes from considering them "supposed to be a model fathers" and since they are bad now, they werent better in our childhood, so we are born with the misery, yet dont recognise it till lator! Absolutely they abused us while kids, making us more needy for support and protection, while actually protection from their abuse, yet the common father-figure told us that he is the one who will do it! So we grew with that crave feeling of finding them there for us! It wouldnt happen, yet keep in our hearts as a deprivation of compassion! The painful part is within us actually! We suggest or demand and seek something from them that will never actually be real! So, to be fine, we better cut back our expectations from them! That is harsh coz they are our only father thing in all, once we missed it in them, we'll miss it forever! This is what actually goes deep in our unconscioussness, making of us as big kids seeking their father-being's support! Like if we insist to grab it from them as a right! I modified his picture in my perception to be as: since he is not acting like a real father, and since he didnt impart me with the support and love i was willing about and craved almost most of my life till lately, nd since he never cared how much pains he caused to us, then,...
First i dont look at him as a father! Just an ordinary human even a stranger!
Second of coarse i nomore demand any good thing from him! Demanding his goodness means you still believe it there in him! And that is entirely a fake honor that he doesnt deserve!
Third, since he never cared to the impact of his actions on the whole family, i no more care about him how he feels, upset, depressed, tired, what he tells others, how he behaves with people! All is "not of my business" haha -his word- from a totally strange person!
Concerning society and people, everyone knows him easilly describes him as "nuts"! Nobody counts on what he says since his actions speak louder! It is known to everybody how he destroyed our lives! So, nobody respects him or even care to what he says! After this new considerations, i am much better now! Know how to totally ignore him, he is only there in flesh, yet nothing of meaning! Just another number member living in the house who i am totally indifferent to whatever he considers me! Really and deeply i dont care even does nomore affect me how he views me! My real father died long ago on the moment i recognised the reality of his unnecessary presence! Remember, no expectations, no frustrations!

I am sorry you have had to endure this. I know the pain is deep although you try not to show that side of it.