The Girl I Love

Some people believe that you aren’t happy until you find true love. I’d try and disagree, but my heart tells me otherwise. My heart tells me that I need to find someone to love, to cuddle with before I am truly happy. My heart says that I am not happy now, that I am not happy until I can give my heart to another person fully, no denial or jealousy.

I try not to listen to my heart. My head tells me other things. My head says that I should be happy now, I should be happy with what I have, who I am. My head lies to me, to disguise what my heart is saying. My heart feels loneliness like a disease. My heart says that all my friends who surround me are compensation for the missing piece to my puzzle.

My heart tells me that the girl I have a crush on now is the one. I don’t agree from the standpoint of my head. My brain. It tells me that she doesn’t care about me that way, that if I asked this girl out, she would say no. Not because she doesn’t like me, but because she doesn’t need a relationship right now. My head tells me to look in other places, flirt with other girls, hope I can feel this electricity with someone else.

But my heart, my body, they are hyperaware when she is near. My muscles naturally coordinate to match hers, I am always aware when she moves near me, I sense her breathing as if it is my own. Yet, I still think to her I am just background noise, a distraction. To her, I am just another acquaintance among her many friends. My heart flutters whenever she passes.

I cannot ask her out. If she were to say no, if she were to give me a reason to focus on another girl, my heart would break. It would break so fully and completely that the shattered remains of my soul would litter the rest of my life. I try to focus on others, I try to make her see…but how can I, the funny girl-who-is-kind-of-a-friend make her see me only? I give her no reason to love me. Love should be unconditional. If she doesn’t love me, than what am I? I am nothing. I gave myself hope, my heart tells my head to shut up, and I hope. I hope in vain, for she, so gorgeous, so beautiful, with her slight accent and wonderful personality, is to wonderful for me. I just hope that she finds someone who would love her as much as I would. I hope she finds a person out there who makes her heart ache and thud and bounce and live.

I am unworthy of her, I know. I look into the mirror and wonder if she would ever see me as a true love would. I think no. I am unworthy of her, and I know it. My heart is teetering, a crack close to forming. I know it will break. She is may be meant for me, but I am not meant for her.
Swanfirefly Swanfirefly
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 1, 2012

I remember a friend once asking me how I knew so easily who was attracted to who and how much. "People who are in love notice each other" I told her. You can tell he's interested because he's aware of her every movement. He notices when she's cold. His body moves to mirror hers.

I love the reflection of that you give here

I've been where your at right now and i know what you feel it sucks, sometimes i just want to go home and stay in bed for hours in the dark staring at nothing. I have been told that relationships don't make you happy, but only add to the happiness, he told me that i should go find happiness instead of hoping to find it within someone else. I'm not entirely sure what he was implying yet but somehow i know it will help me just not right now.